The Cost of Freedom
by shakes003
Summary: The third and final instalment following "Is Your Love Strong Enough" and "All Roads Lead to Home". Darry and Ponyboy have to navigate life together while separated from Soda. It's never easy, but nothing for these boys ever has been.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

_Soda,_

_I miss you. I know I'm not supposed to say that but I do. I'm sorry. I'm trying to do what you said but it hurts still sometimes. I miss Steve too, but don't tell him. He'd probably just tease me. I hope you're both okay._

_Is it okay if I ask you stuff? I guess if you don't answer that means no, so I'll just go ahead anyways. It's hard to imagine what it's like for you over there for real. I can read books or watch movies about war and glory, but now that it's what you're living I somehow feel like everything I know isn't the truth. Is it scary? Are you scared? I think I would be so I'm glad that Steve is there with you and you're not by yourself. Do people get hurt a lot? What's it like? Are you like Greg now? Greg always seems to know what to do, kind of like Darry. I hope I get to be that way one day but I probably won't since my head doesn't work anymore. Greg called it something but I don't remember._

_It's okay if you tell me about what it's like over there. I see lots of stuff on the news before Darry makes me turn the channel. I think he's trying to protect me but sometimes it's scarier when I don't know what's happening. Kind of like when Greg comes over when I have a bad day or night and worry Darry. Greg always goes slow and tells me what he's gonna do before he does it. I still don't like being looked at and touched but it's not as scary when I know what will happen before it does. So you can tell me if you want to._

_My birthday was okay, but it's not the same with you gone. Don't tell Darry. I don't want to hurt his feelings. He tries real hard and sometimes I still feel like I let him down. Sometimes I feel like all I do is make him sad. He cries a lot and he never did before, not even when mom and dad died. I don't want to make him cry Soda._

_I really like the leaf you sent. It's so big and I don't know what to do with it. Darry thinks I should put it in a scrapbook or maybe make a picture frame for it but I don't know yet. Makes me think about how far away you are - in a different world even, although it really is the same one. It's so strange. Hurts my head to think about it too long. I look at the stars lots, just like you said to do, and sometimes it feels better, but sometimes it just makes me wish you were here even more._

_I don't know what to talk about. I thought this would be easier, but I guess it isn't. I'm trying Soda. I really am it's just hard. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad._

_I miss you, Soda. I'm sorry._

_Love Ponyboy_

* * *

After all was said and done, I was lucky to have a job to go back to. Mr. Garver wasn't happy; I knew I'd pushed my luck with him one too many times. I didn't want to make a big production of it all; I just wanted to have a small sense of normal while everything else raged out of my control. So I kept my mouth shut, my nose to the ground, and worked through my anger and frustration with life; taking it out on the rooftops of Tulsa.

It was the last day of July, and I was on my way home after the job site got shut down earlier than expected. The rain and wind picked up; throwing around everything we were trying to nail down. I stayed behind to tarp down areas that were vulnerable to the elements, and felt a strange sense of understanding. I felt exactly like the wind blasting against my face; roaring its unease with life.

I had the truck pulled into the driveway by two-thirty, and was thankful for the early day. Ponyboy was back to fending for himself while the rest of us enjoyed the day to day trials of earning a living.

He was curled up on the couch with his stuffed horse tucked under his neck as a pillow of sorts. It was the same horse I'd bought him while he was in the hospital; the same horse Soda would name MickeyMouse. There was a paperback on the coffee table with a slip of paper tucked out between the pages. I tugged at it without thinking, and unfolded the page. I rubbed at my face wearily as I read.

…"_I'm just going to miss you guys. I've been thinking about it, and that poem, that guy that wrote it, he meant you're gold when you're a kid, like green. When you're a kid everything's new, dawn. It's just when you get used to everything that it's day. Like the way you dig sunsets, Pony. That's gold. Keep it that way, it's a good way to be."…_

I tucked the letter back into the book, and put it back on the coffee table guiltily; the words private and not meant for me. I looked over at my brother who was asleep on the couch, and eased down to sit next to him while I reached out to touch the back of my hand against his face. His eyes opened a bit, before he startled awake.

"Shit!" He scrambled to sit up on the couch, and I couldn't even scold him for the swear.

"Hey, take it easy kiddo. I didn't mean to scare ya. Was just sayin' hi is all."

Pony relaxed a little before looking around the living room like he was trying to figure out where he was.

"I fell asleep. 'M sorry, Darry. I was gonna start supper for you and…"

… "Shhhh…take it easy, Pony. It was an early day; looks like you've been sleepin' through all the wind n' rain. Besides, I don't expect you to be cookin' my meals for me. It ain't your job. I'm s'poseta be takin' care of you, not the other way around."

"But I promised Soda I would. We gotta take care of each other so he won't worry about us while he's gone. He won't be safe if he's worryin' about us all the time." I could see his anxiety rise as he spoke about our brother and the war he was fighting.

"Heyyy…easy now, Pony. You n' I are doin' just that, aren't we? We take good care of each other, don'tcha think?" I grinned to try and lighten his mood, but he shrugged uncertain.

"Me and Soda don't want you to drink no more. Soda's gone for real now…I…I just want you to be okay. I don't want you to disappear."

The thought of my younger brothers worrying about me left me feeling ashamed about how I'd lost control and lost sight of who I was, but it was an eye opener. I knew I needed to pull my head out of my ass and get my shit together for all of our sakes. Pony's earnest confession was more than enough motivation. And he was spot on about his brother. Soda would have enough on his mind while he was over in Vietnam. He didn't need worrying about me drinking on top of things.

"I don't want you worryin' about me, but I'll tell ya what. If I feel like I'm havin' a tough time of things, I'll let you know, and maybe you can help me through it, okay?"

Pony's face relaxed, and lit up like I'd told him it was Christmas. "Okay!"

My smile felt just as ridiculous when it showed up out of my control. "Okay, little brother! How 'bout right now you help me figure out what to make for supper tonight?"

I tugged gently on Pony's arm before helping him off the couch, and I walked him into the kitchen; my hands squeezing his shoulders as I followed behind.

"Whadaya feel like?" Pony shrugged as he looked up at me standing behind him.

"Not sure, kiddo." I shrugged. "If I make some soup, will you help me eat it?"

"I didn't think I was supposed to."

"It's okay, kiddo. We just don't want you eating too much too soon." My hand moved to his head to pet his hair.

"But if I'm s'poseta gain weight, shouldn't I eat more?"

Ponyboy looked puzzled, and honestly I didn't understand the mechanics of it all, but Greg was incredibly insistent on the fact that if Pony over did it with food, it could land him in a world of trouble.

"I know, Pony." I shrugged. "It don't make sense to me either, but Greg meant business. But…" I sighed and gave my brother a playful wink. "…if you're feeling up to it, would ya like me to make some soup?"

Pony frowned as his eyes shifted, making a production of the fact that he was thinking.

"Mushroom?" He looked at me hopeful.

"You got it, little buddy."

* * *

_Hey Soda,_

_Thank you for the help, but it wasn't necessary. I had things covered even with the work I've missed, besides that, ol' Two-Bit went a bit crazy. He bought balloons and the whole works. You'd think Pony was turning 7! I don't really know how Pony took it all. He was pretty quiet, like usual. Things are good with us, but I'm not you. He doesn't talk to me the same; maybe some parts of him are still afraid of me after everything._

_The world you live in sounds pretty terrifying right now. It's on the news constantly, and I have to grow eyes in the back of my head to make sure Pony doesn't get too riled up. He's always got the tv on and the news is never good. I kind of think he expects to see you and that's why he's glued to it – you know how he is. I still wish it was me there instead of you, Pepsi or that I was there to fight side by side with you, but I know I have to let that go. I know one of us had to stay behind._

_I'm glad to hear that Steve is managing. Say hey to him for me would you? It's been quiet around here since he left. It's weird because I always thought Two-Bit was the motormouth. I guess not, haha._

_I let Greg have the location for where to write you. I hope you don't mind. I know you don't have a lot of time on your hands to be writing everyone in the city of Tulsa, but he's been worried and blaming himself I think. I don't know why. There's been too much of people blaming themselves for things they have no control over. We've all been guilty of it._

_I imagine "Herman" is gone now and you're the one your platoon is depending on. Greg believes in you, Pepsi. I believe in you. I'm proud that you're over there making it better and keeping those boys alive. You amaze me. I want you to know that. Write soon._

_Darry_

_P.S. What nickname did you get stuck with anyways? _


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

_Soda,_

_You said to write you whenever I wanted, so I hope this is okay. I asked Darry if he minded about the cost of mailing you lots. I think I hurt his feelings. I didn't mean to, I just thought about what you said and worried maybe writing lots would put him out. It's confusing sometimes. I remember being little and you and Darry minding me and letting me tag around when you played, but then I remember when Darry always seemed to be mad at me and I could never figure out why. Now it's like I can do anything and never make him mad—like everything you used to tell me suddenly is true. I don't know what happened, but I like Darry a lot better now. Please don't tell him though. I don't want to hurt his feelings._

_You haven't written back yet, so I don't really know what it's like over there for you and Steve. I mean arrangements where you sleep and all that. I'm just wondering because I drew a picture and didn't know if you had a place to hang it. Maybe you don't want to? I guess thats okay too. It's real hard to draw Darry since he's always too busy to sit still for more than a few seconds, but I managed while he was in the chair reading the paper. I want you to have it so it's like Darry's there with you, and watching over you._

_I miss you. I wish I could write you a letter and not have to say that, but I miss you. I talk to you all the time, but you're not here. Maybe you can hear me somehow even though you're far away. Maybe that's why I pretend like you're not gone sometimes. I miss you. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad._

_Love Ponyboy _

* * *

_Pony,_

_Well hell, kiddo! I just got your letter. The mail service in this place is slower than molasses. But don't pay no mind Pony. You keep on writing me and if it takes a while to hear back, I don't want you to worry okay? I'm alright, it's just takes a long time to get anything. It ain't my fault. I'm in the ass end of nowhere. It took me no time at all to read your letter. Just wanted you to know._

_How are you doing? And don't lie to me because you know I'll just find out the truth from Darry. You gain much weight yet? Can you eat real food? Or are you still chugging that shit Greg brought? I swore—don't tell Darry! Haha!_

_I'll tell you a little about what it's like over here, but we should get something out of the way first. I miss the shit out of you, Pony. You don't ever got to apologize. I would never be mad at you just because you tell me that you miss me. Heck I'd be worried if you didn't. I'd think I went and did something wrong. It's okay to miss me. I know how bad it feels because I feel it too. This is hard for all of us. I just don't want it to get you down. I just want you to try and not think about it too much because I'm still here for you Pony, I'm just further away is all. Geography—you're good at that. That's all it is. Stupid geography. It ain't as convenient as being in the same house and under the same roof, and things will be a lot slower with this back and forth with mail that takes forever to get where it's going, but I'm still here for you Ponyboy. I always will be no matter what._

_It's hard work over here. Way harder than working at the DX although that's come in handy a couple of times over here. I'm not even close to being as great as Greg, but the guys seem to trust me well enough and that's the first step. Most times I feel stupid like I don't know what I'm doing. The first three weeks I was partnered with a guy we called Herman and it felt like everything was being thrown at me all at once. I ain't hurt any of the boys yet but I don't know, Ponyboy. Maybe they shoulda just shoved a gun in my hands instead of this medical bag? Steve says I'm being hard on myself. I don't know. I have big shoes to fill._

_Remember when you were around 12 and that big tornado touched down just a half mile out by our place? You and me were home with mom while dad and Darry were stuck at work. You were looking up tornado in the dictionary while the three of us were underneath the kitchen table. I think mom wanted to strangle us both for goofing off when it sounded like an airplane was landing on the roof. We were scared, but it sorta didn't feel real at the same time. I guess that's how it is here in some ways. There's shit blowing up and guns firing, and I know it's happening, but part of me shuts off and it's like it ain't real. So yeah I get scared but I can shut it off. Nothing will scare me more than when Mr. Campbell broke in the house. I know you hate talking about it, but that was the most scared I've been in my life. That felt way worse than it does here. I don't think anything else could be worse than that night._

_Is Shepard still hanging around? Do you think Darry still needs him babysitting him? You'll tell me if Darry gets in trouble right? I know I ain't there but I can still get after him. You gotta know that you don't make him sad and you've never let him down. You mean everything to him Ponyboy. We came so close to losing you for good and sometimes it hits him is all but it ain't because you make him sad. He was grumpy after mom and dad died because he just had a lot to deal with and you know him. He's gotta be strong and he never asks for help because he's stubborn and a stick in the mud but he loves you so much so quit your worrying. You can tell Darry anything same as me._

_Well honey, I could keep writing but I wouldn't stop and you'd never hear from me for not finishing. There's some things I have to do around camp and some guys that need my help (foot rot and one guy has the trots real bad—oh boy!). I love you kiddo. Miss you every day._

_Sodapop Curtis _


	3. Chapter 3

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

_Soda,_

_I hope that this package finds you well. I hope that you'll forgive me; I pressed your big brother into giving me the location of where I can reach you. I know that you're still struggling with your new role and responsibilities, and that it makes you somewhat uncomfortable still, but I want you to know that I fully believe in you, Soda. That's the reason I spoke up on your behalf to get you into Fort Sam. You've been an asset at the hospital, and are missed dearly by everyone. You're meant for more than you think is possible. We all believe in you—Darry and Ponyboy included I'm certain._

_I found my text book regarding trauma. I know it most likely doesn't cover everything you see, but take a gander. There's some great resources there. If you need anything from me, please don't hesitate to ask. Please take care of yourself. We'll talk soon._

_Greg_

* * *

_Darry,_

_I'm hoping to hear from you soon, but I know you've got a lot on your plate right now with work and taking care of Ponyboy by your lonesome. I just wanna know that you're okay. You know that I worry about you and I know that you've got everyone else's best interests placed before your own, but you need to take care of yourself to be any good to anyone else. Try not to shut Pony out. He's really great at listening if you're having a bad day and just need to talk without someone trying to jump in and fix everything._

_I know you feel like you don't share the same connection with him that I do, but you gotta let him in first! I know for a fact that he's super aware of your feelings and afraid of hurting them, and not afraid of you in the least so stop hiding from him! He's your brother!_

_His right temple. Mom had this trick and I picked up on it by accident. Remember when dad scrounged up that old bike and fixed it up real nice for Pony? Man, he was so little, but I think he had it a day before trekking off and riding it after they spread fresh tar on the streets. I ain't seen dad that mad hardly ever. He had a shit and made him stand out in his underwear while he scrubbed him down with turpentine? Ponyboy was red from dad cleaning him up, and Pony was worked up and bawling from getting dad so mad at him, even dad couldn't settle him down when he finally wasn't mad. Right temple. Rub his right temple. I watched mom do it. She talked him down and rubbed his right temple. It works and he don't even know what you're trying to do. I used to do it when you guys used to fight all the time. Works great after he has a seizure too. Right temple. Don't tell him or it'll probably stop working._

_Things have been pretty easy the last little while. We're not seeing too much action. Got orders to hold back while two other company's have gone out. I feel like the other shoe's gonna drop eventually and we'll be up to our necks in shit soon enough. Right now I'm dealing with a lot of dysentery and blisters from the guys. I feel like a nag. Nagging about wearing dry socks, nagging about keeping their feet dry, nagging about keeping their peckers covered when they're on pass and head to the city to look for company. I'm reminding myself of you. Thanks for that, big brother._

_I miss Sandy and Jack. She sent a picture, and I can't believe how big he is! She says he's crawling all over the place and is trying to pull himself up on the furniture. I don't reckon it'll be long before he's walking. Can't believe I signed up for this bullshit instead of watching my son grow. Can't believe how fucking stupid I am sometimes. I told her she could call you if she or Jack needed anything. She's still nervous with everything that happened and all. I told her you and Pony would do anything for her and the baby, so if she reaches out take care of her for me, okay?_

_Would you let me know how Pony's doing? I've asked him a hundred times and a hundred different ways, but he ain't been the most open with me. I kinda get the feeling like he's holding back. I know part of him is still mad at me for leaving, I just keep hoping he'll forgive me in time._

_I miss you Darry. Write soon!_

_Love Sodapop_

_P.S. I just got a letter from Ponyboy. Did you see his drawing? Darry what are we doing? He should really go to art school or college or something don't you think? It's crazy._

_P.S.S. Sunshine. The guys here all call me sunshine. Shut the fuck up!_


	4. Chapter 4

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

Let me just take a moment to thank those of you that continue to read, follow, and review. And a shout out to my "guest" followers that leave comments anonymously. Ya know, if you sign in, I'll actually send you a message back so…think about it ;) Because if you're kind enough to take the time to leave feedback, I want to be kind enough to reply.

I know that this story is a little non-traditional with the bulk of it so far being told through letters, so thanks to those that decided to stick with it. Some updates will be short, some long. Hopefully none of them will suck :P

Cheers!

* * *

Sunshine. That was exactly what was missing from our lives the day that Soda headed across the world to fight in a war that was supposedly to protect our freedom. With every passing day, and every passing story in the paper and on the television news about boys coming home to their family's in caskets wrapped up in the American flag, I felt my patriotism dwindle. There wasn't one ounce of me that supported the war in Vietnam; a seemingly rare opinion that surrounded me, and I kept that secret to myself. I did, however, support my brother and all the other boys that found themselves across the pond fighting because they had no where else to go. The military knew that and played upon it; promising them a future when that future wasn't theirs to give. Sunshine. Soda had taken it with him when he left, and the storms rolled in when they found out, and all that was left in Tulsa Oklahoma that August was wind, hail, and rain.

The phone call came when we were shutting down the site. Mr. Garver just nodded at me and waved me off when I mouthed the words "I'm so sorry"; taking the receiver from him after I'd been called to the trailer because of a phone call. I'd been trying my damndest to make it up to him for all the chances he'd given me, and for the fuck ups I'd made while still managing to keep my job.

"Pony, that you? You okay, little buddy?"

I knew it would be him. He was the only one I let call me when I was away at work, because when all was said and done, despite how thankful I was for the job that I was allowed to keep, he was still the most important thing in my life; one of the two things left that kept me hanging on, and if he wanted to call me at work then he could damned well call me at work.

"More died, Darry!"

Pony was distraught; his voice raspy and his breaths hard and wheezing due to the labor of them. I didn't ask him to elaborate. He was always glued to the television, trying to follow the progress of the war; desperate to keep some connection to Sodapop, who was out there in the middle of it all, carrying a gun with hands covered in the blood of American soldiers.

"Pony…what'd I tell you?" I pressed but tried not to sound too hard. Ponyboy was doing the best that he could.

"I can't help it! What if they get him, Darry? What if he don't make it home?" And he started to cry.

"Ponyboy Michael Curtis, I want you to turn that goddamned tv off now, do you hear me?" My voice a little louder and firmer, needing to break through his muddled despair.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, please don't be mad at me!" He cried harder, and I couldn't help but get caught up in it; letting him coil himself around my fingers.

"Shhhh…it's okay, little buddy, I ain't mad atcha. But I want you to turn the tv off, okay? Sit that ass of yours down at the table and write Soda a letter instead of watching that shit. That's what he said to do, remember? You tell him what you're feeling, okay? When you're scared you talk to him, and you talk to me. I'm gonna be a little while cleaning things up. There's a storm on the way. I should be home in a couple of hours, okay?"

It was the plan Soda had come up with himself. He knew how fragile our brother was. He knew that Pony couldn't think things through with the same logic and thought process. He was a child again; born of Martin Campbell's violence and depravity. He'd never grow up to be a normal adult. He'd always be afraid. Soda made it better. He was the soft place Ponyboy could always fall against, but Soda was gone now; his gentle ray of light shining back at Pony only as fast as the postal service could ship a letter.

"I don't feel good, Darry." Pony choked, and I rolled my eyes in frustration.

"Pony, is Two-Bit there?"

"He's workin', Darry."

I sighed. "Baby, I want you to turn the tv off right now. Can you do that for me? Right now."

"Okay," Pony breathed, and I could hear him moving on the other line. I heard the click as he turned off the television.

"Now, I want you to lay down, okay? You can crawl in my bed or curl yourself up on the couch."

"You said to write Soda." Pony cried.

"You can do that later—we both can. I need you to settle before you hurt yourself. I want you to lay down, okay? I'm gonna be home as soon as I can. You hang tight for me, alright?"

"Okay, Darry." Pony hiccupped and hung up the phone.

I knew he wasn't alone as soon as I had the door opened. I could hear the laundry going and there was a familiar sweetness when I took a deep breath through my nose, and I felt my heart jump. It was the smell of honey and cloves, and something else I could never put a name to, but always put butterflies in my stomach and made my pulse race a little quicker.

"Shhhh…"

Beth rounded the corner, signalling me to be quiet as her head nudged back towards the living room. I nodded slowly, wondering why she was standing in my house with her arms full of washing, when I found Pony passed out in his underwear on the couch.

"He called me for help. I hope you don't mind. I was going to let myself out after." Beth was whispering. "I found him in the bathroom. It was a bad seizure, Darry but I don't think he hurt anything. I threw his clothes in the laundry; they were soiled but he wouldn't let me touch him to wash him, I'm sorry."

I nodded but couldn't speak as I looked down at Pony. I wanted to break into little tiny pieces, but I couldn't; my brother needed me to be strong for him. The tears stung as they fell despite how I felt about them, as I eased down to my knees at the side of the couch. I let my fingers rest in his hair as my thumb reached out and found itself stroking his right temple gently.

His eyes looked heavy as they slowly opened, and I noticed the thin ring of greenish-grey as he looked at me. His eyebrows shot up slowly; his eyes shutting again as he took in a deep breath and let all the tension from him ebb into nothing.

"Son of a bitch," I grinned wholeheartedly as I watched my brother slip into something like a trance as my thumb continued to stroke and rub his right temple.

"What's wrong?" Beth's voice was gentle as she kneeled beside me.

I shook my head, smiling as I thought about my brother. "Half a world away, and he's still takin' care of us."

I felt Beth's hand as it rested on my shoulder, and something within me broke. "Fuck, I miss him! I miss him so goddamned much, Beth! If something happens to him…I don't think…I don't…"

I couldn't finish. Because the truth of the matter was, that it wasn't just Sodapop and Ponyboy that couldn't live without each other. The truth was that _I_ couldn't live in a world without _them, _and the more bullshit life threw at us, the more I was becoming aware of that fact. It was one thing right after the other, and I was left feeling desperate and helpless.

"You can't think that way, Darry. After everything you boys have been through, don't you think God will cut you a break this time?"

I didn't answer, because I wasn't sure that I still believed in God. I stopped believing in Him when I found my mangled brother covered in sex and excrement, on the floor of some debauched house that nearly ended his life. No, I wasn't sure there was a God, or a Jesus, and even if there were, I wasn't naïve enough to think that life was fair, and we wouldn't be tested again.

I continued stroking Pony's head, just like Sodapop said to, and thought about how proud of himself he'd be if he could see us now. Before a year ago, Pony would barely sit in the same room as me without arguing or pulling away. Now I was the one left to hold him and comfort him from everything that he was afraid of.

"Darry?"

"Yeah, kiddo?"

"I made a mess, I'm sorry."

"Shhhh…don't worry about that. We're gonna have a bath, then I want you to go back to sleep, okay?" I tried to keep my voice gentle as I continued to soothe my brother.

"Okay," he whispered.

"Beth's still here. We'll figure out what to have for supper while you have a nap." I leaned in and kissed my brother where my thumb had been stroking him.

Pony nodded sleepily, and although I wanted to scoop him up from the couch and get him clean and dressed, I didn't have the heart to move him just then. So, I was quiet as I continued my petting of him, and a thought that wasn't exactly foreign to me floated up to the surface again.

"You realize that this is going to be our life together?" I looked over at Beth; my heart skipping as she looked on at my baby brother with a serene look on her face.

"I know." She smiled at Ponyboy before looking at me. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

My breath was shaky as I tried to focus on my thumb as it continued to drag across Pony's temple, but my concentration wouldn't last. I felt Beth's arm as it wrapped around my left, and she let her beautiful head rest against my shoulder as she watched on at my ministrations.

"I love you."

It wasn't planned, never mind very romantic. They were the three words I'd been wanting to say but could never find the right time, and here they were; spilling out of my mouth like water through the dam. But I didn't care. I didn't care, because right then she was beautiful and perfect, and everything that I'd wanted, and she deserved to know how much she meant to me.

"I know," her reply was soft, and her breath tickled my neck as she spoke; her lips pressing against my shoulder before she decided to speak again.

"I love you too, Darrel. I love you too."

I unravelled my left arm from hers and used it to pull her closer to me; leaning over so that I could kiss her the way she deserved. When our mouths parted, I grinned and gave her a wink.

"Darry." I corrected. She just rolled her eyes and laughed; an inside joke between us now solidified.

* * *

_Soda,_

_I'm sorry for not writing sooner. Things are a little tense at work and I'm trying my best to keep a low profile with Mr. Garver since he decided to keep me on. He's done a lot for me. Needless to say, I still have a job and don't feel tempted to press my luck any further. So yes, it's been busy. It's a lot on my plate, but we'll work through it._

_Please let Sandy know she's welcome here whenever she wants. It would be great to spend more time with Jack. You know Ponyboy would be tickled pink. If I can help her out in any way I can, I will. Would you pass on the message for me? There are no hard feelings. The past has passed, so to speak, and I don't want that to get in the way of being a family. I have an idea on how much you love her, Soda and I just want you to be happy. Whatever it takes, little buddy. I will always stand behind you 100%. I hope that you know that._

_Pony is doing the best he can, which is to say that some days are good, and some days…I hate leaving him alone. The war is on constantly, and he won't stop watching. It isn't good for him, Soda. He's been working himself up sick. He's worried you aren't coming home to us. The death toll over there adds up and up, and I get scared too. I don't mean to be laying all of this on you, little buddy. I guess I'm just worried about you. I guess that I just miss you. I know you're doing what you need to be doing right now, and I'm so proud of you, Sodapop. But I think of you with your new "brothers", and I'm jealous. They took all the "Sunshine", and all I can do is pray that it comes back where it belongs. I love you, Soda. Maybe I don't say it enough and I should. I love you, little brother._

_I'm sorry for that. You know that we'll be okay, it just gets hard for us like I know it does for you. Tim's moved out for the most part. He still likes to show up unannounced—usually for brunch on Sundays, but he's back on his own turf with his own family. I owe him a lot, Soda. I know he made you uncomfortable. He's rough around the edges, even more so than Dally, but he wasn't born that way, kiddo. Life hasn't been kind to the Shepard's either._

_I needed to ask you something. I wanted you to take mom's ring and give it to Sandy, but you never did. I still think that you should, Soda but if you were planning on something different, I wanted to ask if you were okay with me giving it to Beth? I don't think we're ready for marriage just yet, but I know that I'm not going to find another gal like her, and I should at least make an honest woman out of her since we've already…never mind. Do you think that Pony will mind? I think that he likes her—he called her yesterday when I was stuck at work and he was sick. That's good, right? Anyways, I'll only take the ring if you're not giving it to Sandy. I still think you should._

_Be careful, Soda. Be safe._

_Darry_


	5. Chapter 5

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

_Hey assholes,_

_Kidding. Sort of. I'm bored as hell, and down on my luck so I ain't bothering with poker til next pay__ comes.__ I thought I'd send you a letter since I'm sure my old man don't give a hang whether he hears from me or not. Sodapop suggested it of course. He's busy with his nose __stuck __in a bunch of books that doctor friend sent him. __I feel like I'm here with Ponyboy. __I guess this is really happening. Soda fuckin Curtis the medicine man. Jesus Christ! What's next? Ponyboy gets married and has a handful of kids?__ It's like the body snatchers. Soda's busy studying and Ponyboy is a dropout. No offence kid, I'm just tryin to wrap my head around it._

_He's good Darry. He's really good. The guys liked him right off the bat which pisses me off because that happens wherever we fucking go __since the beginning of fucking time __and it don't look like it's gonna change anytime soon. Seen him pull shrapnel out of a guy's leg with his fingers and he didn't bat an eyelash. __He's a hell of a shot too but that probably doesn't surprise you since your pop useta take y'all out huntin. __Looks like our Sodapop's all grown up. Can't believe it's the same kid that pumped gas at the DX and almost had a Ford come down on top of him cuz he wasn't paying attention.__ Or the same kid that got his ass busted doing cartwheels down the sidewalk, disturbing the peace with Two-Bit. It's amazing what a year or two can do._

_Darry or Two-Bit, I was wondering if you could look in on my pop for me. I did try reachin out but like I said, I don't think he wants to hear from me. Just let me know if he's breathin and that's good enough. Thanks I appreciate it. _

_So Pony you little punk, I heard you been missin me? I figured you would you little brat. I always thought it was Soda you were taggin behind. Now I figure it was me you were following. __I'm pullin your leg kid. I know how much Soda means to you and if it were up to me he wouldn't be here Pony. He don't belong here but he is and I know how lucky we all are for it. __Don't worry kid. Ain't nothin gonna hurt Soda here. We're all lookin out for him and each other so just relax and quit freakin out. We'll get him back home as soon as we can._

_I'm still bored so I'm gonna go bug Soda__ even though he told me to fuck off and quit buggin him while he's studyin.__ Miss you guys. __Even you Ponyboy you little punk! __Say hi to Tim._

_Steve_

* * *

My nose was buried in thick and silky locks of copper as I came down from my high. I could feel my arms shaking as I held my weight up and off of her; not wanting to squash Beth, who was laying beneath me. Her thighs were still cradling my hips as I lay between them, and I felt her hands tug the hair at the back of my head. I took another deep breath and smiled lazily as the smell of her shampoo hit my senses, before lifting my head to look down at her.

"You okay?" I asked breathlessly as I tried to get my bearings.

She nodded with a smile, her face seeming to glow as she ran her hands through my hair. I let my head tilt downwards so I could bury my face in her neck. My mouth pressed against the sensitive skin there, and I grinned as I let my teeth gently tug where I had just been kissing.

"Darry!" Beth squirmed as she shouted a laugh, and I couldn't help but laugh with her.

"Shhhh…" I teased, winking at her. "They'll hear."

"You're a jerk! I swear if you gave me a hickey…" She admonished, but I could tell that she wasn't all that annoyed with me.

"After what we just did, you're worried about a little hickey?" I huffed out a laugh at her before attacking her neck again.

Beth just laughed while she shoved me over onto my side and off her. She was grinning when she looked over at me, but then shook her head.

"They're gross!"

"Gross?" My eyebrows shot up, but I couldn't help the teasing smile as I shuffled closer to her to announce my threat. Challenge accepted.

"Darry, I swear to God…" Beth's arm shot out as a warning, and I couldn't help but snicker at the look of mock authority on her face. It was only serving to egg me on.

"You scared of a little mark? Huh?" I tried to bat my eyelashes innocently at her, but judging from her reaction, I just looked ridiculous. Her face was red as she covered her mouth with her hand, laughing at me.

"Boys are all gross." Beth announced through giggles, but she let me pull her closer into me, so I figured I was maybe safe from her rule.

"You don't say?" I teased as I let a finger trace the delicate skin on her collar bone, before dipping my head down to kiss on that same spot.

"Mmhmm. The lot of yas." Beth said teasingly and my head shot up. She winked at me and I winked back.

"Well, on behalf of all boys, we're sorry."

"No, you're not!"

"You're right. We're not." I shrugged and smiled as Beth broke out into another fit of laughter.

It was hard to keep the smile from my face whenever Beth laughed. It wasn't delicate or soft like the silky pale skin that smoothly covered her curves. It was real, unmasked and full-on genuine. Her whole body laughed, not just her voice, and I could only watch her with what I figured was a love-sick puppy look on my face. Beth sobered when she noticed me staring.

"What?" Beth looked almost alarmed.

I just shook my head, my smile pulling up on my mouth harder. "Nothin'. You're just beautiful, is all. I'm glad you're here."

Beth smiled, but looked away shyly before covering her face with a hand. My own hand shot up, and gently pulled it away before I leaned in and softly kissed her. I felt her breath hitch against my lips as my arms wrapped around her tighter and pulled her closer. My eyes opened when I sensed movement from within the house, and I slowly pulled away with a sigh.

"What's the matter?" Beth whispered against my cheek.

"He's up." I grunted as I pushed the covers from the bed off me and got out of bed to search for clothes.

"Pony?" Beth sat upright, grabbing for my T-shirt as I gently tossed it towards her.

"We may have company," I shrugged apologetically as I hurriedly pulled my sweatpants up my legs. "He has a hard time sleeping on a good night, never mind since Soda was deployed."

"Do you want me to go?" She asked as she pulled my T-shirt over her head; dishevelling the hair I was crazy about.

"No!" It came out louder than I meant it to. I edged my way back to the bed and back to Beth. "No, don't go…unless you want to but…"

We both looked at the door when we heard the gentle knocking. I looked back at Beth; a gentle smile covering her lips.

"Darry?" Pony's voice was soft as he tapped on my bedroom door again.

I looked back at Beth and sighed. "This will be our life. Run while you still can."

Beth just shook her head at me as she got up on her knees to stretch over and kiss my cheek. "Where's your bedding? I'll change the sheets. Go make sure he's okay and we'll figure it out from there."

"Darry?" Pony called again.

"Last chance." I grinned at Beth.

"If you don't go and check on him I will! Go on now! Git!" Beth laughed as she shoved my shoulder, and I fell a little more in love with her.

I was still smiling when I opened the door to my bedroom slowly, but the smile faded when I saw the look on Pony's face. He was a sweaty mess; no doubt a nightmare he'd suffered through on his own while I'd snuck Beth off greedily to spend some alone time together. Reality always had a firm way of slapping me across the face however, as I stood there taking Ponyboy in.

"I'm sorry," Pony whispered, his eyes shifted uncomfortably while he chewed on the nail of his right thumb.

"Pony," was all I could manage while I tugged on the front of his T-shirt to bring him into me.

He trembled slightly while I held him close, resting my chin on the top of his head. Beth slipped out of the room behind me, and looked at me expectantly before reaching out to ruffle her fingers through Pony's hair. Pony spooked and pulled back from me an inch before realizing he was safe.

"Hi, Beth," he choked before tightening his hold around me again.

"Hi, honey." Beth smiled sadly while she continued playing with his hair. She looked up at me. "Sheets are…?"

I pointed a finger to the closet nestled between the spare, and Pony and Soda's bedroom. Beth nodded in acknowledgment, but didn't move away right off the bat. She looked worriedly on at my brother, and shot me a look.

"You okay, pumpkin?"

"I'm okay," Pony mumbled into my chest.

"C'mon, little buddy." I moved to lead Ponyboy towards the living room, but his sharp intake of air startled me.

"Tell me what's wrong, kiddo."

"Leg," Pony grunted.

"Alright, I'm gonna lift you up real slow and get you on the couch so I can take a look."

Pony just nodded, but gasped when I lifted him; my arm beneath his knees. I could see right away the problem was definitely his leg. What normally was crooked and awkward, was now full-blown bent unnaturally and rigid. It looked painful, and judging from Pony's reaction to having it moved quickly, I could tell that it was.

"How could you even walk on this?" I tried to settle him onto the couch as gently as I could before plopping down beside him, and slowly placed his legs over my lap.

Pony just shrugged but jumped when I started to massage his leg carefully.

"This okay?" I stopped rubbing, but didn't take my hands away. It took a moment before Pony nodded.

I continued to rub Pony's leg, knowing it helped a little although my hands were meant more for manual labor than working out cricks and cramps. Soda's hands were meant for soothing and healing as I knew first hand from my own aches and pains he managed to make disappear.

"I'm not as good at this as your brother." I commented apologetically when I noticed Pony's leg was still postured abnormally.

"He hasn't written. It's been weeks." I could barely hear Pony, but his face said more than words ever could.

"Pony, he's got his hands full, little buddy. You read Steve's letter with me."

"I know," Pony snapped. I gave him a stern look and he frowned.

"You ever gonna forgive him?" I resumed working on Pony's leg with inept hands while I waited for him to respond.

"I'm not mad at him. I just…want him here."

"You need to talk to him, baby. _Really _talk to him. Not about the weather, or what we had for supper."

"I tried. All I ever get out is that I miss him."

"Why don't you start by telling him the truth? You're mad at him, and that's okay, Pony. It's okay to be mad at him for leaving, but it's not okay to make him pay for it. He needs to know how you feel."

"But it ain't fair if I do that!" Pony cried, and I just reached over to brush a tear away while giving him a sad grin.

"It wasn't fair when he left." I shrugged. "Ponyboy, I'm gonna tell you somethin' you're not gonna like. Soda ain't perfect. He's human like you and me and makes just as many mistakes. But he did what he thought was right at the time and he hurt you. It's okay to tell him that. Talk to him. _Talk_ to him."

"I don't wanna hurt his feelings!" Pony blurted, and I smiled knowingly.

"But you are hurting him if you're not honest. He knows, baby. He already knows and it's killin' him. He needs you to forgive him, but you can't give him that unless you're honest with him. You owe each other that."

He didn't speak, but he nodded and I knew that I'd reached him. When I noticed Pony's eyes look heavy, I eased my way out from underneath his legs and helped him stretch out on the sofa, pulling mom's ugly blanket down from the back of the sofa to tuck him in.


	6. Chapter 6

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters from the book are used with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

_Sodapop,_

_I know it takes a long time to get stuff, but it feels like it's been forever since you wrote last. I try not to think about it too much but it's hard and I get scared that you're hurt or something. Can you write? Please? I know you're busy, but just 'hi' or anything. Unless you don't want to write?_

_Darry says I'm not allowed to watch the tv anymore unless he's home with me and he gets to pick the channel. I guess I still have a big imagination even though I'm dumb now, and I get too worked up when the news is on. Maybe that's why he always tells me to write you. When anything happens, he says I should write and tell you, but I haven't because I don't know how to be. I'm trying to be okay for you and Darry, but I feel like it's all pretend and my head hurts._

_When I was watching tv the news just talked about all the soldiers getting hurt and killed and I couldn't help thinking it could be you. Why did you have to go? Darry said you're just trying to do what you think is the right thing to do, but you promised not to leave. You said you'd never leave Soda and you did so you lied, and I don't know why. Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong? You said it wasn't my fault, but is it because of what I did that night? Is it because you think I'm sick now? Am I sick? I only let him touch me because I thought he was going after you and I didn't want him to hurt you like he hurt me. I'm sorry. You said it didn't change how you felt, but you lied before so maybe you lied about that? Is it why you left? I don't understand._

_I'm sorry for being mean because I don't want to be but maybe Darry is right and it's not fair to pretend anymore. It's okay to tell the truth to me. I'm dumb and slow but I'm not a baby and you don't have to protect me anymore because you can't do it from there anyway. You should have stayed Soda. You should have stayed. _

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I let you down. I still love you and I still miss you. I guess I'm just mad at you a little. Or I'm mad at you a lot, but I still love you I just want you here and I know I'm not supposed to say that but it's the truth and I don't want to lie. It makes my head hurt. _

_I hope you're okay. I hope you write back._

_Love Ponyboy_

* * *

I drove home from work in a daze with nothing on my mind but Soda. The last word we got was from Steve at the middle of summer. It'd been weeks now and nothing, and I was feeling like a hypocrite; telling Ponyboy that our brother was fine when I had no trust in my own words. Then the inevitable thoughts would take over—how the fuck would we go on if Sodapop didn't come home?

The sound of the engine's horn broke me out of my thoughts, and I shoved my right foot almost through the floor of the truck's cab when I hit the brakes. My heart felt like it was in my throat, and my stomach was clenched in a sickening knot as the ground trembled while the train passed along. It was then that I noticed the guard rail missing, and I thanked whatever powers existed for letting me stop in time. The train rolled by in a blur, blind to the fact that it almost killed me; my life literally passing by along with the box cars.

My body was vibrating, and I was high strung and on a short line as I found my way home on auto pilot. I could hear quiet voices from the living room, but I ignored them as I dropped my tool belt and lunchbox unceremoniously onto the floor and felt the wall dragging against my fingertips as my shaking legs took me to the bathroom to compose myself. After ten minutes of dry heaving over the bowl of the toilet, I brushed my teeth and splashed cool water over my face. When I looked down, I noticed my boots were still on.

My heart was still throbbing in my ears when I returned to the front door and slowly untied my boots. I was still in a daze. I was no stranger to death, in fact death seemed to plague every corner of my life starting with the accident that took my parents from me. Since that night, it seemed like a ritual; something almost expected out of life, but never had I come so close to death claiming me. I wanted a drink so bad, my body ached for it. It was something I could focus on besides the uncontrollable flutter of my heart and my limbs.

I rushed into the living room, making my way for the kitchen even though I knew there was no alcohol in the house. It was out of habit and desperation; a need to numb everything inside me again even though I hadn't touched a drop in months. I turned on my heel to make my way for the truck so I could go buy a bottle when the quiet voices broke through my own ordeal. My blurred vision cleared and it was like I was being dropped back into my life from a bad dream.

"How do you count cows?"

"Uhhnno."

"With a cowculator. What did the duck say when buyin' groceries?"

"Huh."

"Put it on my bill. Why did the fish blush?"

"Why?"

"'Cause he saw the ocean's bottom. Why did the leopard lose at hide-and-seek?"

"Uh uh."

"He was spotted."

Two-Bit had his arm around Ponyboy, the two of them sitting on the couch. My brother looked a mess like he had been every day the past few weeks; his eyes red and swollen and his hair and skin damp. Two-Bit's shoulder was Pony's pillow while every lame joke he could recite or make up on the spot helped to settle my little brother.

"What do you call a duck that gets all A's?"

"Ung."

"A wise quacker. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?"

"Mmmm."

"He felt crummy."

Two-Bit shot me a grin and motioned for me to sit on the other side of my brother. I felt a little odd stumbling in on the two of them, but the feeling quickly wore off when I realized how easy Two-Bit was with Pony; how he managed to keep him calm until I was home to take over. It almost reminded me of Soda.

"What happened?" I spoke softly as I eased down onto the couch on the other side of my brother, and wrapped an arm around him while Two-Bit moved his away.

"Was noddin' off here on the couch then woke up screamin' bloody murder. He thought I was that pervert at first. Thought I was after him. He's okay now though, ain'tcha Pony?"

"Ung," Ponyboy groaned as both Two-Bit and me adjusted him so that he was using my shoulder for his pillow instead.

"Yeah, you're good kid. My turn cookin' tonight. You want pizza or pizza?" Two-Bit grinned at me and the last thing I cared about on earth right then was food.

"The second choice sounded alright." I shrugged as I pulled Pony closer into me. "Thanks for this."

"S'what family does," Two-Bit shrugged back at me before standing up from the couch to go use the phone. He pulled it into the kitchen, tripping on the excess cord on the way.

"Wha's wrong?" Pony suddenly mumbled into my shoulder. I looked down at him and reached over to fuss with his hair.

"Who, me? Nothin', why?" I winced. Pony's eyes opened slowly.

"You don't look good. You're pale."

I was about to brush it off like I normally would've, and maybe I should have. But I couldn't help but think of the last I'd heard from Sodapop, and the support he'd left me with.

"I want a drink. Maybe I shouldn't say anything to you, but you asked me to, so…"

"How come?" Pony's head eased up from my shoulder, and his eyes were soft but still demanding.

"Just a bad day, I guess. I won't drink, don't worry. Just sit back again, I got ya." I pulled Pony into me, his head laying back down on my shoulder.

"I had a bad day too." Pony choked as he hugged my arm tight while he adjusted his head.

"I know, little buddy. We're gonna be okay, Ponyboy."

We sat in silence together, staring at the blank television set that only ever delivered the sad reality of war. He didn't ask me to turn it on and I was thankful although I knew it didn't matter. We were both losing hope of ever seeing Sodapop again. The depression was like a heavy blanket that was suffocating the both of us.

"Darry?" Pony mumbled.

"Yeah, babe?"

"What do you call cheese that isn't yours?"

"Dunno. Tell me."

"Nacho cheese."

I kissed the top of his head and grinned in spite of myself when Two-Bit broke out into laughter from the opening to the kitchen. I still wanted that drink.


	7. Chapter 7

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton. Thank you to all of those that have left comments and feedback! Makes me feel great to know something I've created has touched people in some way.

* * *

_Darry,_

_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry it's taken so long to write. It's taken longer than I meant it to and I'm so fucking sorry to do that. I'm just so fucking tired Darry. I'm just so tired. Everything is starting to blur and I feel like I can barely put one foot in front of the other. I have no energy to write. _

_I guess the other shoe dropped like I told you it would. There's been a lot of movement near the Cambodian border with regiments of NVA moving across. There's been no rest here. A lot of firefights and ambushes. We drop a lot of bombs, and then we're walking through the jungle in a fog. Lost two of our guys to gunfire. I thought I had em but by the time I got to them there wasn't anything I could do Darry. I'm studying hard. I've been reading everything that Greg sends me, but I'm not enough. It wasn't enough and I can't stop thinking about it. I couldn't save them._

_I feel like I don't know anything. I don't know what's right and what's wrong. I feel like I'm killing more souls than I've been saving and I'm supposed to feel good about it because they're not us. Better them than me right? I don't wanna think that way. Dad didn't want us to be that way but I feel it slip away sometimes. Dad's slipping away from me Darry and it's scaring me. I don't wanna kill anymore._

_The morale of the whole platoon is low. I'm counting down the days and the six inches in front of my face. I want out of here so bad and I feel so goddamned guilty. These guys need me and all I can focus on is when I get to go home and leave them, and at the same time I don't wanna leave them because I gotta look out for them. What happens if I'm not around and something goes wrong? I don't know if I could take that. I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know what the right thing is anymore Darry._

_I'm so tired. I gotta write Ponyboy and I don't know what the fuck to say to him. He thinks I left to get away from him. He's been thinking about that maniac and everything he told him and now he's believing all of that shit and I'm stuck the fuck over here! What am I gonna do? How do I cut through the lies and the shit he was fed? Ain't he said nothin' to you? I know I hurt him when I decided to sign up for this, but I made a mistake and I told him that's what it was. I don't know what to do. I'm worried sick but there ain't nothin' I can do from here and I don't know if he believes in me anymore anyways. It's like the longer I'm away the more I'm losing him. I'm losing everything. You gotta straighten him out for me. Please. He's gotta know that he's everything and even though I couldn't do right by him, he's still everything. I only hope he feels the same way about me when he finds out about the things I've done over here._

_I gotta write him but I don't know what to say. I wish you were here. Not for the war but I wish you were here. You always know what to do Darry I just wish I would've listened to you more. Fuck I miss you!_

_I need time to think. I'm sorry Darry. Sorry this took too damn long. I'm sorry I signed up for this hell, and I'm sorry for the hell I'm putting you through. Write when you can._

_Love Soda_

* * *

I sat out on the porch and read my brother's desperate words and felt my eyes burn and my throat swell. I hadn't let Pony know about the lone letter that was addressed only to me in the familiar chicken scratch that was Sodapop's printing. I sat alone re-reading his words and felt full of worry and guilt. Soda lost two of his brothers over in Vietnam and lost hope and faith in himself. All I could think about was how badly I wanted to be next to him; to be able to talk to him and throw an arm around him and give him some sort of support and comfort that would lighten the load. I wanted him to feel what I knew in my heart; he was more than enough, and he always had been.

The door opened, breaking into my thoughts as I sat there bartering within my head and heart to the powers that be, to keep both of my brothers safe. I folded up the letter from one brother, while more guilt washed over me about the other. Pony had lost hope of Sodapop ever coming home, and tonight's seizure was testimony of what I'd always known; Pony wouldn't survive without Soda, and I was pretty sure I was about to get caught in the crossfire.

"He okay?" I choked unexpectedly; not realizing I was as distraught as I was.

"Darry,"

I looked at Greg as he sat down next to me and I shook my head wordlessly. My hands trembled violently as a lasting reminder of how badly I wanted to just take another drink and numb myself from everything. My life was becoming too much; spinning out of my hands and out of control, and I felt like the wall was in sight and very soon I'd be colliding with it.

"You're shaking," Greg looked on at me worried while I stared at my hands and the envelope in them.

"'S nothin'. Ignore it." I croaked while I folded the envelope in half and tucked it into the back pocket of my jeans where I could retrieve it later and read it again.

"I can't, Darry. I've tried to ignore it but I'm so worried about you." I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"Me? C'mon, doc bullets bounce offa me." I tried to joke, but when I looked at Greg with half a grin, his eyes just looked pained.

I was going to apologize or say anything to erase the solemn look from his face, but his expression then changed into one I couldn't quite place. I'd never noticed him look at me like that before. It wasn't until his hands grabbed to hold my face that I realized what was happening, and my breath hitched in the back of my throat with shock when Greg pressed his lips against mine. My eyebrows shot up and I lifted a hand to push him away, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. My hand stayed suspended and I watched as he suddenly tore away from me, horrified.

"Oh my God, Darry! Oh my God, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!"

I watched him curiously, still unable to do much more than breathe. So much about the good doctor now made sense to me, and Tim Shepard's past jibing made me want to cringe. This man wasn't some fairy or pervert I was supposed to be wary of. Greg was my friend. He was a hero that'd saved my youngest brother's life on more than one occasion, and was most likely going to be the reason Soda made it out of Vietnam.

"Why?" Was all I could manage to get out.

"Why?" Greg repeated and I nodded at him dumbly. "I…it was a mistake. Please…I'm sorry."

And he exploded into tears, and although I couldn't be who or what he wanted me to be, I realized stubbornly that I didn't care what Shepard and other people thought; I still wanted Greg to be my friend. My arm slid around his shoulders, and he clung to me while he sobbed and part of me ached for him; this kind and good young man who kept himself locked away from everyone. And now I understood why. He was terrified and had too much to lose. He couldn't afford to let anyone in.

"I'm sorry," he repeated, almost like he was begging.

"It's okay, Greg. It's gonna be okay." I kept my arm around him until he was able to compose himself.

"I think I'm in love with you." Greg's blatant confession made my eyebrows shoot up, and again Tim Shepard's past snide remarks ran through my mind so loudly I shook my head with it.

Tim had obviously seen something I was either blind to, or I didn't want to see. I looked at Greg who was as vulnerable as a person could possibly be, and I couldn't hurt him. I wanted to protect him. He was like a brother.

"Wow." I said, admiring the courage I knew it took for Greg to be so open with me. "I gotta tell ya, doc. If that did it for me, I'd be the luckiest guy in Oklahoma." I grinned, still in a bit of shock.

Greg choked out a laugh, although my words weren't what he was hoping for. He nodded silently as we continued to sit side-by-side on the porch, and I noticed the tears and it broke me a little. I looked out into the night listening to the frogs and the crickets while ignoring the sound of my inner demons. Greg leaned his head on my shoulder as I kept an arm around him, and my eyes drifted upwards towards the stars, wondering what Sodapop would say about all of this; if he knew what Greg had been hiding.

"You don't hate me?"

The question was as innocent coming from his mouth as it was when Ponyboy would ask the same thing. He seemed so small to me right then it felt comfortable to swing into big brother mode, even though I was much younger.

"Nah," I shrugged nonchalantly. "I could never hate you. 'Sides, it ain't your fault you got good taste."

Greg laughed again, a little more loudly, and wiped his hands over his face. "I should get going."

I let my arm fall as he stood up from the step, and I followed suit, rubbing my palms awkwardly on the legs of my jeans for lack of knowing what else to do. I watched as Greg turned back into the house, and he came out a minute later with his gear. He looked at me uncomfortably.

"I don't want this to wreck anything with us." Greg looked at me carefully.

"It won't…not on my part. I'm here for you; the door's always open. I'll always be your friend, Greg…if you want that. I just…I'm not…y'know? I'm not…"

"Gay," Greg finished for me, and I nodded thankfully. "I know. I'm so sorry, Darry. I hope you can forgive me." Greg was still so upset with himself.

"Already done. Don't beat yourself up, it wasn't _that_ bad." My words spilled out of my mouth before I could explain them.

Greg looked at me surprised.

"I mean, for once I wasn't wallowing in my own bullshit. Instead of aggravating my ulcer worrying about my brothers, I was wondering why some guy had his mouth on mine when I didn't even need CPR."

Greg's boisterous laugh came as a relief to me, because I really didn't want to lose his friendship regardless of the help he offered my brothers. He was genuinely a wonderful human, and I didn't know a whole lot of those in my life. I wasn't about to let go of that.

"I gave Ponyboy a sedative. He'll be knocked out for some time. Watch him close tomorrow, he'll be groggy. Could be a fall risk."

"I have the day off. I'll keep a close eye on him." I confirmed as I slowly walked Greg to his car.

"Thank you, Darry. For being so gracious about this. I figure most guys would've beaten me to within an inch of my life for…"

"Greg," I interrupted. "It's okay. Don't you dare disappear." And to let him know I meant it, I reached out and gave him a hug before he quietly got into his car and drove away.

I wasn't sure why, but I was laughing by the time I was inside the house and shutting the door. Maybe it was shock, or maybe my ego got the better of me and I felt it was amusing to catch the eye of someone like Greg. Maybe it was because I really hadn't thought of anything else but my own family drama for the past few years, and his kiss certainly cured that.

I was still smirking as I headed for my bedroom. The bedside table lamp was on, and my brother was curled up in the middle of my bed with the covers pulled up and over his small body. I slowly got out of my clothes and slid in next to him. Tomorrow would be another day.


	8. Chapter 8

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

"Pony?" I gently ran my fingers through his hair. "C'mon, little buddy. It's time to get up."

Ponyboy barely acknowledged me. He hadn't been able to get out of bed the day previous; not even to pee. I was warned by Greg that he'd be groggy from the sedative he gave him, but there was more to it. Pony was shutting down and I knew I was the one that would have to pull him up.

"Pony, wake up, okay? Look, it's okay to feel the way you're feeling, but you can't just stop. You gotta keep on keepin' on, kiddo." I tried to coin a phrase dad used to say all of the time to see if it would have any effect, but Pony just hunkered down even deeper into Sodapop's old pillow.

"You know what? You're getting up." I said firmly, feeling my patience slip. "And you're gonna eat, and you're gonna have a shower, and you're gonna sit that pale ass of yours down outside and help me do some work around here."

Pony whined when I tore the covers off him, and grabbed his good arm to hoist him up, but the indignation didn't last, and my brother soon had his arms and legs wrapped around me; glued to me like barnacle to a shell. I felt my heart tug with the neediness of him.

"C'mon, little brother," I spoke low, feeling my resolve slip as I held him beneath his bum while he wrapped himself tighter around me and cried.

My first priority was to get some food into him, so I headed to the kitchen garnering an amused look from Two-Bit as we passed him coming out of the bathroom.

"Boy howdy! You get yourself a pet monkey on Christmas and not tell anybody, Darry?" Two-Bit chuckled while he reached out and ruffled the hair on Pony's head.

"Don't get me started." I rolled my eyes. "I ain't packin' you around all day, Ponyboy. You're not a baby."

"Yes I am." Pony mumbled into my neck and I almost lost it when I saw Two-Bit choke back a laugh.

"Pony, you are not. And contrary to how small you are, you're too big to be carried."

"You always call me baby." Pony sniffed as he tightened his limbs around me.

I rolled my eyes again and shot Two-Bit a look to let him know Ponyboy wasn't going to be finished anytime soon. The days Pony seemed to regress always lasted the longest. Two-Bit knew the drill and just pulled my chair out for me at the table and then started getting things ready for breakfast.

"It ain't because you are one, besides, I call you a lot of things. So does your brother." I huffed as I dropped down to my chair with Pony straddling me—clinging like a small child.

"I don't wanna wake up anymore." Pony mumbled and I felt my heart stop.

"Hey," I spoke with alarm while I tugged on his hair to pull him back enough so he could look at me. "Don't…don't be talkin' like that. Pony, why would you even say something like that to me?"

"I dunno," he shrugged in confusion. "I dunno! I'm sorry!" Pony looked at me afraid before he started to cry again. I pulled him back into me.

"Don't talk like that, baby. Please. I can't lose you again. I can't go through that again...I just…I can't." I took a shuddering breath.

Pony pulled back again. "See?"

"See what?" I sniffed while my stomach started to relax.

"You called me baby."

"Sorry, Pony. Sometimes it just comes out. Does it bother you? I can reel it in if it…"

"It don't bother me when you do it. Just when other people do."

"Who else calls you that, Pony?" I looked at him strangely and he just shrugged.

"He called me it all the time…when he wanted to…" Pony stopped abruptly; his face reddening. He quickly shoved it in my neck.

"Sodapop?" I asked, figuring my brother's strange behaviour was due in part because of Sodapop being gone.

"No. _Him._" Pony's whisper stopped me in my tracks. "He called me that when he…did stuff to me."

"I won't call you that anymore, kiddo." I promised quickly as I looked up at Two-Bit who's face looked as sober as I'm sure mine was.

It was the first time Ponyboy had spoken openly on his own about Campbell and things that had happened.

"It's okay if you and Soda do. Just no one else, okay?"

"Whatever you want, Pony." I agreed, anguished that a simple endearment was turned into something so vile.

"Maybe Beth too." Pony broke into my thoughts, effectively distracting me from wanting to murder Campbell all over again.

"Does she like me, Darry?"

"Who, Beth?"

I felt him nod against my neck.

"She adores you, Ponyboy. Honestly, I think she's with me just so she can come visit _you_." I grinned when Two-Bit chuckled at the stove.

"She is not." Pony whined at my teasing, and my arms wrapped around him tightly while I rested my forehead against his shoulder.

"She loves you, Ponyboy." I repeated. "What do you think about her? Do you like her?"

Pony pulled back and looked at me seriously while nodding. "You're gonna marry her, aren't you?"

"If she'll have me. It's a bit soon to be plannin' weddings though, kiddo, so do me a favour and keep mum about it, yeah?"

"She'll say yes." Pony spoke confidently, and I huffed out a laugh at how certain he was. "I won't say nothin'."

"Me either, Superman." Two-Bit smirked while the bacon started spitting in the fry pan.

"Can I still live with you though?"

"Pony, I told you. Your place is with me as long as you want it."

Ponyboy nodded while he seemed to zone out. I watched as his face went utterly blank; his eyes closing slowly as his head fell forward.

"Hey, Pony?" I shook him gently, and his eyes fluttered before slowly opening.

"Darry?" His voice rattled.

"Yeah, kiddo. You okay? Hey, look at me."

I wasn't sure what my brother was doing, but it left me unnerved. My hands held his face while I looked into his eyes. He seemed to know I was there even though it was clear that his eyes weren't focused on anything.

"Ponyboy?" I jostled him slightly, and his eyes came into focus.

"My leg hurts like this." He grimaced and dropped his arms from around me.

"Quit climbing me like a tree then." I frowned while I shuffled us from the chair, and helped him sit down in his own. "You alright, Ponyboy?"

He nodded. "Hungry," he mumbled.

"Better be. I went a little crazy." Two-Bit shot out, and it made Pony smile.

My stomach started to roll unsteadily.

* * *

He was staring blankly at the television when I'd finished the last of the dishes and was drying my hands on a towel. It was _The Honeymooners_, his and Sodapop's favourite show, but there wasn't the usual giggling or joking threats of "to the moon" that usually went on before the two of them would start wrestling on the floor. My brothers were both falling apart; one shell-shocked in the middle of a jungle while trying to mend and save lives while also taking them, and the other trying to learn how to live again after being brutalized and nearly dying.

"Whatcha thinkin' about, kiddo?" I startled Ponyboy as I slumped down onto the couch next to him.

"I think he's gone, Darry. He ain't wrote for too long. I told him I was mad at him and that's the last thing I said."

"He needed to hear it from you, Pony. You two need to stop dodging this. It's okay to be honest with each other—you have to be to get through this." My arm instinctively wrapped around his shoulders.

"Except that's the last thing I said."

"It ain't the last, Ponyboy. Soda ain't gone, but he's goin' through things you and I can't understand right now. You said your piece, now it's time to have his back and support him."

"He's dead. I know it, Darry. I don't feel him anymore."

I swallowed hard while I rubbed his shoulder, contemplating whether or not I was about to make the right decision. I sighed heavily as I got up from the couch; my brother looking on at me confused as I made my way to the dresser in my bedroom to fetch the letters that Soda had written me, including the last one he'd sent with all of its uncertainty and desperation.

Pony looked on at me unsure as I sat back down next to him. I handed him the letters, in order, and sat quietly while he drank in every word. I watched on intently as his mouth started moving, and grimaced when his fingers started rubbing his right temple; Soda's remedy revealed. I smiled when Pony smiled as he whispered 'Sunshine', and I braced myself when he broke down along with Soda's last letter to me.

"I'm so sorry," I knew he wasn't talking to me. His words were for his brother, who was sinking as deeply as Pony was from across the globe.

"It's okay, Ponyboy."

"It isn't okay! I shouldn'ta said what I said, but I didn't know! I didn't think about him at all, I was just mad he left. Why didn't he tell me to shut up?" Pony cried, and I huffed out a laugh while I pulled him up against me.

"Because he loves you and was trying to protect you. He didn't want you to be scared, Pony."

"I am anyway!" Pony threw his hand up resignedly before resting his head against my shoulder.

"I know, I know, kiddo. Your older brothers fucked that one up. I'm sorry."

"He's scared." Pony whispered, leaving me in awe about how well he knew his brother.

"How do we make it better?"

"I dunno. I can stop being an asshole, I guess." Pony shrugged, and as much as I wanted to scold him for the swear, I only cracked up laughing.

"Pony," I smiled. "You weren't an asshole. You two needed to get that out, so forget about that now and start over."

"I don't know what to say to him." Pony shrugged.

"Maybe you don't need to say anything. He went crazy over the drawing you sent him. Why don't you send him another one?" I nudged Pony, and after a second he nodded.

* * *

_Steve,_

_Asshole, yourself. Quit looking in the mirror when you write I never know who you're talking to. How are you doing, Steve? It was good to hear from you. It's been so quiet with you not around. I hope you're hanging in there. Soda says you've got the whole soldier shtick down pat, I didn't think you had it in you. God knows you never listened to a word I've ever said, but you'll listen to somebody if they're holding a side arm. I'll remember that for when you come home._

_Two-Bit checked in on your dad. He wasn't happy to see him. Basically threw him off the doorstep, so nothing has changed. He's breathing—that's what you wanted to know. He's still a dick._

_Soda sounded off last letter, Steve. I know a lot of shit is going down over there. He told me you lost a couple of guys, and I can't imagine what that feels like for you all. I'm worried about him, Steve. You and I both know he's not built for this sort of thing, and I don't want it to eat him. I want him to keep being Sunshine. I know you're watching out for him, but do it for me too okay? Let me know what's going on with him and if he ain't right. Thanks Steve._

_Drop us a line anytime. You know we all miss your stupid face. Be careful and take care of yourself and Sodapop._

_Darry_


	9. Chapter 9

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

_Soda,_

_Buddy, you're breaking my heart. I don't know what's going on with you, I don't know everything you're forced to see and do, but you need to know I'm behind you every step of the way. It doesn't matter to me what you're made to do over there. I get worried when I don't hear anything, but I know that you'll write when you can. If it ain't there, then I know it ain't there, kiddo. Just tell us you're alive and we'll hang tight for you when you're ready to talk and let us into your world. We ain't going anywhere Soda, and all these roads lead to home, little buddy. When you're ready, we're all here. We're always here._

_Your loyalty hasn't changed, and don't let it. But don't you dare feel guilty about wanting to come home. You ask any of those guys, Soda. They'd say the same thing—they'd want to go home too. War is goddamn hell, and it doesn't begin or end with you. It'll keep raging whether you're there or not. It's out of your hands and that's okay, Soda. It's okay to want to be home. We're counting the days as I'm sure Sandy and Jack are too. You've got a lot to live for. Hold onto that. Don't feel guilty for it. All of you boys belong home._

_It scares me; what you're going through. I'm so sorry, Soda. I'm sorry you lost your brothers over there, but I know you. I know you did everything you could, and sometimes it just isn't enough. I know it doesn't bring you any comfort, but I still believe in you. Don't lose faith in yourself. You can't, Soda, but if you're having a hard time with it, Pony and I will do it for you. We'll never stop believing in you. _

_I spend my time wishing that it were me there instead of you. I know…you and I have talked about this until we were both blue in the face. It is what it is. Some weird cosmic force has changed the tides for us, little brother, and you're where you're supposed to be as am I. In all honesty, I think you're doing more than I ever could've. I know you, Soda. I know the light you bring even to the darkest of hours and I know in my gut those boys need you more than they'd need a stick-in-the-mud like me. I'd be just one more know-it-all telling them what to do. No, brother. They need you, and I hope they know how very lucky they are to have you watching over them; healing them so they can make it back home to their own families._

_I know you want to know how Pony's doing—I know you're worried. I'll never lie to Ponyboy about you, Soda, and I will never lie to you about him. The nightmares have been bad lately and he's struggling. The seizures are coming in clusters, a lot of staring episodes and a lot of medication that doesn't do much but cause more staring episodes. It's tough trying to find that balance of looking after him while still letting him do his own thing, although it seems like he doesn't want to anymore. I don't know if this is old hat for you, but he's talking more about what happened to him those months he was taken away. Who am I kidding? I'm sure he's talked a lot about everything with you, but he's never been that open with me in the past so I feel like it's a bit of progress. I know it's probably just because you're not here, but I'll take it over silence any day._

_I let him read the letters you sent me. It was time. Maybe we've been so busy trying to protect him, that all we've done is hurt him. I take full blame for that. We knew this was going to be the worst on him, didn't we? I guess there was no good way to go about it. We're all hurting without each other, but it's only because we're lucky. We have this…thing, whatever it is. Bond. Connection. We have each other. I'm learning more and more with every day that passes that it's not ordinary. I hold it close. I always will._

_I love you. I miss you. I'm so proud of you. I will __always__ be there for you._

_Darry_

* * *

"What is that?

"Italian spice."

"Are you Italian?"

"Gosh no, pumpkin! It's just something I use for flavour. Why, do I look Italian?"

"No you look like me; you're too pale. What are you then? Where ya from?"

"My parents are Scottish and Irish. I'm from Canada."

"No way? You mean you ain't even American? Why are you here? Why Tulsa?"

"How's your leg, pumpkin? I can push a chair over, do you need to sit down?"

"Nah, I'm okay. Does this look okay?"

"Perfect! Put them in the frying pan when you're done. I'll get the sauce going. You think your brother will be hungry?"

"Darry's always hungry—eats like a horse. So, you're like from another country even! I never met anyone from a different country, what's it like?"

I opened my eyes and stared at the upholstery pilling from the cushions of the couch, eavesdropping on my brother and the love of my life. I rolled over onto my back and grinned, deciding to let them spend some time alone together. From the sounds of things, they were in the kitchen working together to get supper ready.

"Not that different. Colder."

"Is there lots of snow? Do you live in igloos?"

I stifled a laugh at the same time Beth let out one of her own. I shook my head, rubbing my eyes and was unable to curb the smile from my face.

"Snow, yes. Igloos?"

"Yeah, I think I saw it on TV once…"

"Way up north, sweetie. Canada is a big country."

"Why'd you leave? Where's your family?"

"Gone."

Beth's voice took on a sad tone, and I found myself slowly sitting upright, as though it could help me hear better.

"Gone? Where'd they go?"

"I had a brother around your age. He got real sick, honey."

"Like I did?"

"Not really, pumpkin. Nobody hurt him or _made _him sick. He got cancer and he fought for a long time."

"He died, didn't he?"

"Yeah, pumpkin. He died."

"What was his name?"

"Nathaniel."

"Do you miss him?"

"Every day, sweetie."

"Is that why you help people? You helped me! You were really nice. I mean, you _are _really nice!"

"Yeah, I suppose that's why. Thank you."

"Where's your mom and dad? Wow! Look at this one!"

Pony and Beth started giggling. I couldn't see what about.

"Good job! You know, you're pretty damned good with only one hand! My parents never got over losing my brother. They sort of gave up on life. Gave up on everything."

"I'm really sorry."

"Thank you, sweetie. It's okay now. It took awhile, but it's okay. How about you? You know, your brother never told me what happened to your mom and dad."

"Auto wreck. Car got stuck on the train tracks...then..."

I winced with the memory and the blunt, emotionless description Pony gave.

"Oh my God! Oh, Pony! That's…oh, honey!"

I slowly got up from the couch, making my way to the opening of the kitchen. They were standing side-by-side by the stove making meatballs and spaghetti sauce.

"That must've been so hard for all of you? I'm so sorry!" Beth hugged my brother from the side.

"I don't remember a lot anymore, like before they took me away and I ended up in the hospital." Pony shrugged. "I remember pieces, but not much. When I try to think about my mom and dad, I can only picture Darry and Sodapop. Do you think maybe I forgot 'em?"

"No, Pony, you didn't forget them. I think it's just because Darry and Soda take such good care of you. I can see how much your brothers mean to you."

"I'd die for them."

The statement was as bold and solid as concrete, as was the intent in which the words fell off my brother's tongue. There was no thought and no hesitation. It was just matter-of-fact. It was how the three of us had always felt about each other; differences aside.

"I wish Darry didn't have to take care of me—like before. Then he could go on to college and not hafta be worried about everything all the time."

Beth turned her head to look at my brother and caught me standing there. She gave a sad smile, but then grinned as I held my finger up to my lips in a signal for her to keep quiet.

"He loves you so much, Ponyboy. He's always going to worry about you. I don't think it matters where he is, or what he's doing."

Pony shrugged stubbornly, and I rolled my eyes as I edged my way closer to him. He was stirring the meatballs in the pan, making sure they were browning evenly. My hand reached out slowly, creeping closer above my brother's right shoulder before I quickly flicked his ear.

Beth laughed while Pony jumped; spinning around to pout at me while holding his ear. I grinned down at him, pulling him in by the shoulder so that I could wrap my arms around him. I took a deep breath, the smell of our shampoo hitting my senses before I kissed his hair.

"We were gonna surprise you with supper!" Pony whined with his face pressed into my shoulder.

"I _am_ surprised, little buddy. Smells great you guys!" I winked at Beth and leaned over to kiss her.

Pony squeezed my waist and snickered while Beth and I kissed. I looked down at him and winked while my hands moved to pet his hair, letting him know everything she said was true.

"How long were you listening?" Pony's face turned scarlet.

"Long enough, Pony. Long enough."

I spoke lowly while I pushed his hair back; my fingers tracing those forever reminders of what could've happened—how close I came to losing my brother. He covered my hand with his as I traced my fingers along the scars on his head. Beth watched on wordlessly.

"Time for a haircut, kiddo." I teased as I finally let my brother go with a ruffle of his hair.

"You're one to talk," Pony scoffed at me. "Hillbilly hippie."

I laughed along with both Ponyboy and Beth as I wrangled my brother into a headlock; blowing an obnoxious raspberry onto his cheek. These remnants of my brother pre Martin Campbell were rare, but when they peeked through ever so often, I wanted to bathe in it. I wanted to forget what was taken.

"Why don't you two hillbillies wash up and set the table? I'll get the spaghetti ready."

Pony and I smirked at each other while heading for the sink to wash our hands. Once the table was set, I shot a confused look at Pony as he sat down in Soda's chair.

"I want Beth to have my seat." Pony shrugged meekly.

I reached over and let my hand rest on the top of his head before leaning down to press my forehead to his.

"You're somethin' else, you know that?" I whispered, so as not to embarrass him.

"I love you, Darry." Pony's face turned pink.

"Back atcha, kiddo."


	10. Chapter 10

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

_Ponyboy,_

_Hey kiddo. I guess this is way past due huh? Fuck I'm so goddamned sorry. I wish I knew what to say to you. Everything is just so messed up right now—for all of us I guess. I owe you an explanation for a lot of things. Things I never told you and kept from you, and things I promised I'd never do to you. Like leave. I promised that I would never leave you and I did. _

_You're right to be mad at me for that. I'm mad at myself Pony and maybe one day I can forget what I did, like I know you probably already have. I know you've forgiven me whether I deserve it or not, cuz that's your way. You always forgive me. You're stubborn, but you've never been mean. Your heart's too big for that. Always has been._

_I did leave because of that night Ponyboy, but not because of the reasons you think. I never not think about that night and what he did to you, and there isn't a second that goes by that I don't hate myself for not doing more. I shoulda fought harder. If I was stronger or a smarter person like Darry I coulda fought or figured a way to get you out of there. I don't hate you or think what happened was your fault. It was mine. _

_I'm not mad at you Pony—I could never be mad at you. I'm mad at me. I'm sitting here in the middle of a war, and every second that goes by I know I'll never be as brave as you. I'll never be as strong. I shoulda done what you did, and let him come for me instead, but I didn't. You're a hero Ponyboy. I need you to know that. You're __my__ hero. It's why I left, honey. I'm just trying to do the right thing for once. I was just trying to do what you and what Darry always do and in the end who knows? Maybe there's a future waiting for me like Greg says._

_It woulda been Darry, Ponyboy. There are other stupid things I had in my head when I signed up to come here, but the main one was that they woulda drafted Darry. With me gone it means he can stay. With you. He's given up too much for us, Pony. He'd leave us making one more sacrifice cuz that's what he always does. I couldn't let him go. It's my turn to look after us, and I can't protect you the way that Darry can. I know you don't think I know what I'm saying, but that night I couldn't save you and it haunts me. You need to be with Darry where it's safe. You saved me that night Ponyboy. Now I'm saving you the only way I know how. I hope you can understand._

_Darry told me you've read the letters I wrote him. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet, but maybe you're right. Keeping you in the dark wasn't the best way to handle things. I didn't mean to keep things from you, but so much has happened to you. I just didn't want to add on to it. I know you're not a baby and I shouldn't treat you like one so I'm gonna try real hard okay? It won't be easy cuz you're my baby brother. Try to be patient with me._

_I'm gonna go now kiddo. It's chow time and even though I'm sick of the rations and food that comes out of a can, I get hungry and have to eat what's given to me. I'd kill for a chocolate cake right about now or baked chicken with blue mashed potatoes. I could use your wild imagination and pretend. Maybe that's what I'll do._

_I miss you Ponyboy. Write me back. Please._

_Love Sodapop_

* * *

_Soda,_

_I ain't mad. I guess I was but when Darry let me read your letters I just felt stupid. I guess selfish is a good word. I been thinking about myself and not about what you or Darry were going through. Or even Steve I guess. I just freaked out and thought about nothing but myself. I feel like I should be asking you for your forgiveness, not the other way around. So be a pal and please forgive me because I'm real sorry that I did that to you._

_I dream about him a lot. I hope the dreams go away. He meant to kill you Soda and I thought he did. I don't think I'd do anything different except maybe keep the door locked. I'd do it again for you Soda. I don't know if that's what being brave means. I just didn't want him to hurt you. You shouldn't feel bad. It was my choice, like it was your choice to go to Vietnam for Darry._

_I don't know what to say about the other guys you're with that died. I feel sad because you're sad, but happy because it wasn't you, and that makes me feel like a jerk sort of. You call me and Darry the strong ones but I don't think either of us could do what you're doing. You're everything Soda. I hope you do get to be a doctor if you wanna be one. You always help people, plus you could be my doctor and then I wouldn't have to strip in front of creepy Dr. Pedersen. Greg is okay but I'd feel better if it were you. Don't tell Greg. I don't want to hurt his feelings._

_I wish I could send you a cake. You and Steve could share it but I guess it would be gross by the time it got to you. I drew another picture instead which won't fill your stomach unless you eat it, but maybe you won't be so sad. I'm gonna ask Darry though. Maybe we can mail cookies or something._

_I miss you Soda. I really miss you. I hope that you're okay and Steve too. Be safe. I love you._

_Ponyboy_

_Hey can you write back and tell me why everybody calls you sunshine?_


	11. Chapter 11

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton. **Warning: This chapter contains explicit tooth rotting instances of brotherly fluff. Proceed at your own risk ;P**

* * *

It was a hot day for autumn as I tried to busy myself on a Saturday by cleaning up and doing other yard work before the weather decided to inevitably change for the colder. The back of my hand ran across my forehead as I wiped the literal sweat from my brow, and twisted around halfway to catch a glimpse of my brother while he struggled to deposit the piles of leaves into the garden bags I'd snagged from the lumber yard after my last shift. With his left leg as uncooperative as his left arm, he dropped to his ass and tried to shovel the way piles of dead leaves while the bag was pinched in between the contracted finger and thumb of his left hand. I watched on in admiration and a bit of pity at the sight of him; working so hard against his body, but not uttering one word of complaint.

"Hey, Pony. You alright there, kiddo?" I asked automatically, my overprotective instincts kicking in full-drive at the slightest indication of my youngest brother struggling.

Pony nodded with a frustrated frown. "I dunno if I'm much help, or if I'm just makin' more a mess."

"You're good, little buddy. Just do what you're doin' and when I get the front finished we can bag 'em together."

"Can't we just burn 'em?" Pony pouted and I barked out a laugh.

"You gonna pay the fine when the fire department shows up to put out the flames, little man? Where we gonna live when the house burns down?"

Pony winced as he considered my question, like he was trying to wrangle up a plan in his head on how his idea could work without getting us into trouble. I smiled as I looked on at him; he reminded me so much of Sodapop right then—the expression on his face right down to the small cleft of his chin that he had his finger shoved in. I wondered if he was thinking about Soda too, and how the two of them would've had leaves from one end of the yard to the next after tossing each other into the neat piles I'd manage to rake up in spite of them.

"We can live with Beth. Might be worth it, y'know." Pony muttered before fighting with the leaves again.

I grinned at him before turning back to the rake, tackling the dead foliage as best I could so that I could start helping my brother. It was a good day.

* * *

_Darry,_

_It's just like you to know every rotten thing I tell myself every rotten time I look in the mirror. And it's just like you to bring me back every single time; making me believe in things I probably shouldn't. It's just like you to believe in me when I don't even believe in myself, and it hurts that much more that you're on the other side of this planet. I'm surrounded by brothers from all walks of life, although most are just poor white (and black) trash like us. I've killed for them and they've killed for me Darry, and I've stitched them up and put them back together. They got nothing on you Darry. I've been tryin to keep my sanity and my strength over here, and the guys are great—they are, but they ain't my big brother. Your last letter was like the glue I needed to stick me back together. You'll never know Darry. Or maybe you do because of this thing…bond…connection. I fucked up Darry, but you're always behind me and I'll love you forever for that. Thank you Darry._

_I'm glad that Pony's opening up more but I know it's hard to listen to those things. I talked to Greg a lot about it and he said it was important to let Pony talk about stuff, in his time and in his way. I think a lot about him and his nightmares and how messed up he was with them after mom and dad died and he couldn't even remember any of them. It's so much worse now. I know you're right there by his side Darry. I'm so proud of you for being there for him. For finally opening up and letting him in. I always knew you were a soft teddy bear under all that bullshit bravado. And whatever you said to him, thank you for that too. His last letter to me helped. I think we're good now, but I'll have a lot of making up to do to a lot of people when I finally get home. I don't know what I did to deserve you guys, but I'm thankful._

_Have you given any more thought to art school for him? I think we oughta look into it. He sent me another drawing Darry. It's almost scary—like looking at a photograph of him and me except it's in pencil. It made me bawl. I slipped a drawing of my own in here. Whadaya think? Give it to him for me would ya? I'm working on a letter for him, but we're moving out tomorrow inside Cambodia to meet up with two other companies. I get moved to an evac once this mission is done. It's a good thing but I don't wanna leave Steve. I don't wanna leave any of them but I'm tired of killing. I don't wanna do it anymore._

_Marry Beth, Darry would ya? If there's one thing I've seen over here, it's that death is the thing that gives our lives meaning. When you know your days are numbered and that your time is short—marry her. Talk to Pony and make sure he's okay with you giving her mom's ring. It's why I didn't give it to Sandy. I never got the chance to ask him, but it's okay. It worked out the way it's supposed to. You deserve to be happy. I want that more than anything for you Darry. Hell, I might even be there to be your best man. I hope so._

_I love you, and I love you too Pony if you're reading this, and I have a hunch you are. I'm counting the days until I'm finished my time over here and I can come home. Miss you guys so much. Say hi to Two-Bit. Better yet tell him to get off his lazy ass and write us. Steve says hi._

_Love Sodapop_

* * *

The drawing was of the three of us; labelled appropriately since Soda's masterpiece consisted of three stick figures. At least he got the height differences correct. I laughed. Pony teared up, but smiled when I pulled him close to me while we sat on the couch together reading Soda's letter.

"Sorry," he choked as he brushed his tears away impatiently.

"You don't have to apologize, Ponyboy. I know how much you love him. It's okay." I squeezed him tighter to me, and we sat quietly.

"Darry?" Pony's raspy voice broke through the silence.

"Mhmmm?" I mumbled while folding up Soda's letter and placing it back into its envelope.

"Does Beth call you names?"

"Does she wha?" I looked at Pony like he was off his rocker.

"Does she call you names? She always calls me _pumpkin_ and yesterday when she helped me make Soda's birthday present, she called me _lamb__chop_."

"Lambchop?" I snorted, teasing my brother with a playful poke to his ribs. He squirmed underneath my arm.

"It's weird!"

"Does it bother you? Tell her to stop."

"It ain't that. I just…do you think she misses her family?"

"She misses them a lot, Pone." I replied sadly when I thought about how alone Beth had been until she became apart of our lives.

"I wonder if she called her brother lambchop?" Pony grinned.

"Dunno, kiddo. Maybe it's just you." I grinned back. "She loves you, Pony."

"Why?" Pony looked so confused and it could've broke my heart.

"I don't know," I shrugged and gave him a wink. "You taste good smothered in mint jelly?"

"Gross! You're a weirdo!"

"You taste like pumpkin pie?"

I teased him into a fit of giggles; threatening to lick him to see what he tasted like when we found ourselves rolling off the couch and wrestling on the floor. When he couldn't catch his breath is when I let up on him, but I was content; almost happy we had this moment.

"How we doin', lambchop?" I snickered into Pony's neck while laying half on top of him.

"Shut up, pumpkin!" Pony laughed as he shoved at my shoulder; feigning an attempt to push me off of him. I tucked my face deeper into his neck, breathing in the scent of him.

"Darry?"

"Mhmmm?" I mumbled into him.

"You ain't gonna fall asleep on me, are ya?"

"Maybe," I shrugged; settling half my weight on him while I wrapped an arm around his waist and used him as a pillow like he did me most nights.

"You ain't tired, are ya? We gotta make your lunch still."

"S'ok. I can do it in the mornin'. You're comfy." I teased.

"You're weird!" Pony laughed, but then nudged his head against mine.

I pulled my face from his neck to look at him, and smiled when I found him smiling at me.

"I like you weird." He whispered.

I brought my hand up to mess his hair before I untangled myself from him. I moved up and then hauled him beneath his armpits to sit him back on the couch with me. It was quiet for a few solid moments, and then:

"It's okay, Darry." Pony rasped.

"What's okay?" I looked at him curiously while I threw an arm around his shoulders.

"Mom woulda loved Beth. She woulda taken her in like she did Dally and Johnny, only more cuz you love her."

"What are you saying, kiddo?"

"She's really pretty, and she's really nice. She's never mad at me or mean when I mess things up or can't do things."

"Of course not, Pony. She'd never do that to you." I squeezed him a little.

"Are you sure I'm not in the way?"

I looked at Pony to brush him off, until I realized that had been his worry all along.

"You've never been in the way, Ponyboy. Not before or after mom and dad died, not before they took you away, and not now. Not ever. You're my brother. You're mine. Nothing's gonna change that. I've got you until the end of the line, and you got me."

"Give her mom's ring."

"You sure?"

Pony nodded. "If I had to pick a sister, it would be her."


	12. Chapter 12

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

"Howdy!"

Two-Bit yelled into the phone so obnoxiously that I felt my eyes roll to the back of my head. I looked on expectantly, waiting for him to make eye contact—the usual signal letting me know the phone was for me, but it didn't come. Instead, his hand came up; a thumb and index finger pinching the bridge of his nose while his face lit up, with tears spilling over.

"Well, y'all know I ain't no good at long-distance flings. Cathy dumped my ass when she moved, and that was just across the street. How the hell's the jungle, Sodapop?"

My heart caught in my throat and I grabbed onto Pony's hand as we all but stumbled from the couch to make it over to Two-Bit, who was standing in the entryway to the kitchen talking to our brother.

"I hear ya, buddy. You know how proud we all are of ya, right? Well, we are, pal. How's ol' Stevie holding up? They kick him out yet?"

Pony's clammy hand clutched itself to mine as we stood together waiting for Two-Bit to relinquish the current lifeline we had to our brother. I felt a little guilty; the two of us standing there in silent demand for Two-Bit to end his own past-due conversation with his dear friend. But my guilt ended when I felt Pony start to tremble next to me, his breath catching in desperation to hear his brother's voice.

Two-Bit noticed Pony and nodded, and I didn't know if it was for my benefit, Pony's, or Soda who wouldn't be aware of it anyways. His smile looked slightly pained as he continued to nod, then let out his signature laugh before reaching out to rest his hand on top of Ponyboy's head.

"I hear ya, buddy. You tell him I said 'hey', and tell him to get his ass home, alright? That goes for you too, Soda."

A moment felt like a lifetime while Two-Bit listened carefully to the voice on the other end of the line.

"We'll talk about that when you get back home, buddy. But they're right here and I know they're goin' crazy waitin' for me to hand the phone over, so you take care of yourself, ya hear? Alright, Soda."

Two-Bit looked at me as he held the receiver out to me. I nodded and grabbed a hold of it but stopped when I heard Pony take in a shaky breath and I knew I had to wait my turn. I let go of Pony's hand and passed him the phone. He looked up at me as if to make sure I was serious, and I gave him a nod.

"Soda?"

Pony's voice cracked as he spoke his brother's name into the phone. It'd been months and months since the two of us said our goodbye's to Soda at that bus depot, and it seemed to come back as Pony began to sob. I stood behind him, wrapping my arms around him as he fought to keep his composure for his brother's sake. I couldn't hear what Soda was saying, but I knew my brother, and I knew he was doing everything he could over the phone to ease Pony's pain.

"Uh huh. I miss you too, Soda!" Pony cried, and much like Two-Bit before, he nodded as if Sodapop could see.

I offered as much comfort as I could while Pony tried to cling to the brother who was over eight thousand miles away. It hurt to see his heart breaking all over again, but he was able to settle with the words I knew his brother was saying to him.

"You did? Really? Yeah, me an' Beth…we'll make you 'n Steve more if you want…I dunno…I hope so…I am…I promise I am…I promise he's okay. I been doin' what you said, I promise. Yeah, I'm okay. No, I ain't lyin'. No, Darry always does…no, he's the best. I'm okay, Soda I just miss you."

I pet Pony's hair, hoping there'd be time enough for me to hear Soda's voice, but knowing it was more important for my two brothers to connect. For as long as Pony's been alive, where there was one of them, there was the other, and I knew how hard it was for them both to be so far away from each other.

"Do you hafta go? But I don't think I can say goodbye again... I know…I know, I love you too. Okay…I will…I love you, Sodapop…I love you too..."

I looked on at Pony when he carefully handed me the receiver, and slowly turned to make his way back to the couch. I noticed him cry silently as Two-Bit threw an arm over his shoulder while I brought the receiver up to my ear and felt the smile as it pulled on my mouth.

"Hey, little buddy."

I heard Soda's breath rush out in a half laugh before he spoke.

"He okay?"

I looked on at Pony as him and Two-Bit started to talk about how great it was to hear from our brother.

"He'll be alright. Two-Bit's cheerin' him up."

"I didn't mean to upset him; I just miss you guys so much!" It sounded like Soda was holding back his own tears.

"It's okay, little buddy. You made him happy, he just misses you. We all do."

There was a moment of quiet between us while we struggled to stay strong for each other, and then:

"Did ya ask her yet?"

"Soda," I started, but he cut me off.

"Don't 'Soda' me. Ya got the ring, dontcha?"

"Yeah, I got it."

"What the hell ya waitin' for then?"

"_You_, dummy." I huffed a laugh.

"Wha? You need me to propose to her for ya? Jeeze Louise, Darry. Didn't I teach ya anything?"

We both laughed and I wiped at the wetness that started falling down my cheek.

"I wanted to wait. Make sure my best man was here to stand up for me."

I could hear the sniff, and knew he was crying full-on, and I felt guilty for it bringing relief to me. I knew that war would take its toll on my brother's sensitive soul, but I didn't want it to change him. To hear him not hide his emotions let me know he was still holding onto who he was.

"Ask her already, Darry. Don't let her get away. If you wanna wait for the weddin' 'til I get there, that's one thing, but you gotta at least pop the question."

"That why you called, little buddy?" I chuckled at him.

"No, it's thanksgiving tomorrow. They been lettin' us call home this week."

Thanksgiving. I glanced at the calendar that was tacked to the side of the cupboard. The concept of time continued to elude me. It felt like it was just yesterday that I was driving to Austin with my father to check out the college. It felt like only yesterday that I was standing over his grave watching them cover him with earth. It felt like yesterday that I just got my youngest brother back for good after almost having lost him forever. It felt like yesterday when I learned my brother was a daddy, and that I was an uncle.

"Darry?"

"Soda, why didn't you call Sandy?"

"I did! Steve let me use his call so I could talk to you. I ain't got a lot of time though, Darry."

"I know, kiddo. The baby good? Sandy's doin' alright?"

"Yeah, they're doin' good, Darry. The baby's beautiful! He's gettin' so big, just like his uncle Darry." I could almost see Soda smile from talking about his son.

"I'm here if they need anything, little buddy."

"I know, Darry. Listen, I ain't got much time left. I need to ask you a favour."

"Anything. What is it, Soda?"

"If somethin' happens, I need you to make sure I end up with mom 'n dad, 'kay? Don't let 'em bury me with a buncha strangers. I wanna be with mom 'n dad."

"Soda, nothin's gonna happen. Don't talk like that."

I glanced up to make sure Pony didn't hear but kept my voice low regardless.

"Promise me, Darry."

"Soda, I don't know that I even get a say. Stop talkin' 'bout this shit. You're comin' home and we're gonna grow old and have kids and start our own football team. When are they movin' you to the hospital?"

"They ain't. No replacement anymore. His chopper got clipped and…I'm here 'til they find someone else."

My heart felt like it stopped. I knew my brother's chances of coming home decreased substantially the longer he was on the front lines.

"Christ, Soda. Jesus Christ!" I breathed.

"Don't tell Ponyboy, okay? I know it's like lying, but just keep it to yourself. I'll tell him when I figure out how."

"Soda, I don't know…"

"Please? Listen, Darry. No matter what happens, you know I love you, right?"

"What are you talkin' about, Soda?" I was getting nervous at the tone of his voice.

"I love you, Darry."

"Why does it sound like you're giving up? Soda? You can't give up! Talk to me. I'm here."

"I know. You're always there for me. I ain't givin' up, I'm a Curtis ain't I? I just need you to know how I feel in case…"

"I love you too, kiddo but I can't stand to hear you talkin' like this. You do whatever it takes and come home, okay? You do what you gotta do, and you get your ass back home to us."

"I will, Darry. I'll get home. I'll be done my tour 'fore ya know it." Soda sniffed, and I wasn't sure if it was me he was trying to convince, or himself. "Listen, my time's up so I gotta go."

"Be safe, Sodapop. You and Steve be safe. Thank Steve for us. For letting you use his call."

"I will."

"I love you, Sodapop."

"I lo…"

The line went dead, and I fought the urge to break down and cry. My stomach gave its usual pull as I slowly placed the receiver back onto its cradle. I glanced over at Pony and Two-Bit, and quietly backed away when I saw that they were settled and trying to make each other laugh.

I took deep breaths while I knelt in front of the toilet as the onslaught of pain gripped me like a vice. The conversation with my brother ran itself in circles within my brain until I felt dizzy with all of it. The thought crossed my mind that my brother was trying to say his goodbyes for good, when my gut clenched, and I was heaving up crimson into the bowl of the toilet.

Deep breaths turned into gasps as I couldn't get a hold of my body while it betrayed me. I winced as the knot in my stomach tightened, and more blood pooled into the bowl. I reached up to flush, when I felt an arm gently wrap around my middle; a soft hand lightly rub back and forth giving me an odd sense of relief. I turned my head to find my baby brother crouched down behind me looking on at me worried.

"Darry?"

"Shit, Pony! Don't you ever knock?" I lashed out at him while I flushed the bowl hastily, hoping against hope that he didn't see the blood.

"The door was open. I wanted to make sure you were okay, and I heard you. Darry, that was blood." Pony started to get worked up, and it was exactly what I didn't want to have happen.

"I'm fine," I mumbled as the back of my hand wiped across my mouth, smearing the blood that was still there.

"Darry. I'm not a baby." Pony tugged lightly on my shirt as he rested his head against the back of my shoulder.

"What?"

"I'm not a baby," Pony repeated, his head shifting so he could look into my eyes. "I can take care of you. You don't gotta pretend or hide when you're sick. It's okay. I can call Beth or Greg if you want; just let me take care of you."

"Pony…"

The tension seeped from me like air from a balloon. My brother never ceased to amaze me. He was the strongest person I knew.

"You take good care of me, Darry. I can take care of you too. It's my turn."

I shifted around, planting myself on my ass as I looked on at my brother and nodded. I reached out with my hand, brushing a tear away from his cheek with my thumb as he shuffled next to me to curl up at my side where I held him tight.

"You don't gotta hide, Darry. I got you." Pony whispered. "It's my turn. I promised Soda I'd take care of you, so let me. Please?"

"Okay, little buddy. Okay."


	13. Chapter 13

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

"Darry, why don't you come down from there? I'd like to talk to you."

I looked down from the ladder I was balanced on while securing the eaves to the house. I swallowed nervously. I thought I'd been back on track with Mr. Garver since my last stumble with the bottle, but I knew enough not to take it for granted. Work had slowed down now that it was late autumn, and I couldn't afford to lose my job.

I tightened the last screw before slowly making my way down the ladder; careful that each step met with the bottom of my boot securely before moving to the next. I'd been under the weather; bouts of nausea with my ulcer deciding to rear it's ugly head on me. The fact that Pony was now privy to my ailment didn't seem to help. It only seemed to make the ache worsen along with my guilt. It was _my_ job to take care of _him_, not the other way around.

"Everything okay, sir?" I shuffled nervously as I tried to gauge the guarded expression of my boss.

"Darry, I don't know."

"Is it my work? I'm a bit under the weather…I can pick it up a bit if you…"

"Darry your work is great. I told ya before; you're the best guy I got, but you're lookin' like a gust of wind could blow you over. Go home, son."

"No, I'm good. Really. I'm a little unsteady but…"

"Darry, I've known ya since you were how old?"

I felt like I knew Mr. Garver my whole life. My dad had worked for him for years before getting me a job along with him. It was only supposed to be a summer gig; a few extra coins for pop and bubblegum sort of shit, but it was there each year for me. Once my parents had died it became a godsend. The money I made now kept food in my brother's bellies, clothes on their backs, and a roof over their heads.

"I dunno. I was just a kid." I shrugged and looked on at him curiously; still nervous that I was in deep for my previous sins.

"You still are, you just got forced to grow up too fast. How's your brother doing, Darry?"

"Which one?"

"Both I guess, but I was thinking' about the little one. He still sick?"

"He's better, Mr. Garver. I don't understand."

It was true. I was gearing myself up to being fired, and here my boss was hanging out in the sleet and rain, chewing the fat with me and asking about my family. I thought about the last few years and the hardships my family had to go through, and something Two-Bit had once said seemed to hit me all of the sudden.

Mr. Garver was a good man.

"I'm worried about you, son. You're looking rough. I want you to go home and get some rest. Take a couple of days."

"I appreciate the offer sir, but I can't afford that. If it's all the same to you, I'll…"

"Darry, you're just like your dad. Couldn't get him to take a day off no matter what was happenin'. I know it wasn't easy for you comin' back so soon when that brother of yours was just out of the hospital. But you did. I haven't forgot. Don't worry about the pay. Be back here Monday ready to go."

"It really isn't necessary, sir…"

"Darry, you can barely stand. Go home, son."

I shrugged; unable to say anything. What was there to say even if I were able to form words? My body was screaming for me to slow down and heal, but I felt like I couldn't. There was too much at stake, and yet my boss was handing me a gift that I needed desperately. But as generous as Mr. Garver's offer was, it brought up another issue; like how in the hell was I going to sneak home without alarming my youngest brother who already was worrying himself sick about his brothers.

"Thank you, sir." I simply nodded before grabbing my tools and heading home.

* * *

"Enjoying yourself?" I frowned as Pony proudly set a bowl of soup on the bedside table before shuffling himself beside me on the bed so that we faced each other.

He didn't panic or fuss as much as I'd predicted when I returned home from work early. He just shifted into caregiver mode; urging me to take a hot bath before laying down to rest. By the time I'd finished that bath, he'd gone and had some canned soup heated up and ready for me.

I didn't need my youngest brother mother-henning me like I was some invalid, but I kept my mouth shut and let him because I knew how much it meant to him to be able to feel useful; to feel like he was taking care of me and making a difference. The more he fussed over me, the more he reminded me of Sodapop. He was so much like his brother sometimes it was eerie.

"C'mon and eat. It'll make you feel better 'n you can get some sleep after. At least that's what you 'n Soda always tell me." Ponyboy reached for the soup and I swore he was planning on spoon feeding me, until I practically snatched the bowl from his unsteady hands.

"Listen, little buddy. You can feed me in sixty years at the nursing home. 'Til then…"

"I just wanna make sure you get better. How's your stomach? You ain't still throwin' up blood, are you?" Pony looked on as I took the first spoonful of soup.

"You my doctor now?" I frowned, but gave him a wink to let him know that although I didn't like him prodding, it was okay. I wasn't mad.

Pony's cheeks tinted pink as he shook his head and bit his bottom lip. He watched on quietly but intently as I ate the proffered meal he'd managed to make for me on his own. I set the empty bowl back on the bedside table when I was finished, and gave my brother a proud grin.

"Hit the spot, kiddo. Thanks. Whadaya say 'bout a nap?" I asked as I stretched out like a cat; pulling the blanket over and around me.

"You rest and I can go clean up."

Pony moved to slide off the bed and reach for the empty bowl, but I caught him by the arm and pulled him down next to me.

"Darry!" Pony half-squealed while I rolled over and trapped him with an arm and a leg thrown carelessly over his little frame.

"Nap," I mumbled as I pulled the blankets out from underneath him, and had him tucked in next to me. He rolled over.

"Darry," Pony's voice was muffled into my chest as I hugged him closer; adjusting my head on the pillow to get more comfortable.

"You take good care o' me, little buddy. Time to take a break."

He was quiet for a moment, but I felt the resignation as he let out a sigh. He rubbed his face against my arm and I felt his body go soft and pliable while he tucked his good hand underneath his chin. He finally spoke.

"M'kay. Just a lil one won't hurt, I guess."

"Atta boy."

* * *

_Dear Beth,_

_I don't suppose you were expecting to hear from me, but here I am. I don't got your address so I asked if Greg could forward this to you. I hope you don't mind. Me and Steve wanted to let you know how much we appreciated the time and effort you took to help make and send those cookies with Ponyboy. They didn't last us even half a day. You can't even imagine how great it was to be sent a taste of home while we're stuck here in a swamp on the other side of the world. Chocolate chip is definitely a winner, but we're open to peanut butter, or something else chocolate too! Hell, I'll eat raisin or oatmeal if it comes from home, just keep em coming!_

_It's great you spending time with Pony doing that. He thinks the world of you, just so you know and that's sayin a lot since he doesn't trust many people nowadays. Not like he used to. I guess I don't need to tell you how sweet he is. I just want to thank you for all you've done. Thank you for lookin out for him while I'm gone. My brothers are everything to me; as much as my own baby is. I sleep better knowing they have you._

_I realize by now you know Darry pretty well, but there's some things I need you to know that you'll never learn from him, cause he'll never tell you. Like that you're his first real girlfriend. _

_You're probably laughing, and I guess I would too but it's the truth. Now I don't mean to say that girls don't throw themselves at my brother—they do, and he's had his fair share of dates here and there. But even back in high school the girls were more interested in Darry Curtis—the jock; star quarterback of the football team and Mr. Popular who was voted "Boy of the Year", instead of just Darry—drop everything to help an old lady across the street, or the 20 year old who gave up everything including a college education to keep his little brothers from getting thrown into a boys home after our folks died._

_You see, Darry never keeps anything for himself. He didn't when we were little and growing up either. Darry was always the one to make the sacrifice play, like skipping out on little league so the folks wouldn't be strapped for cash. Giving up favourite toys cause his bratty little brother (that would be me) wouldn't stop taking it from him. Or one summer when he was twelve he was mowing yards for money to help fix up his old bike so that he could give it to me and Pony. Darry's just like that—always giving without taking for himself or asking for help when he needs it._

_If you ask around the neighbourhood, they'll all tell you about my brother. The way he always keeps the front door unlocked so guys in the neighbourhood have a place to stay when they get kicked out of their own homes; keeping kids out of trouble when things get tense so they're layin low instead of holding up gas stations. We grew up in a rough place Beth, but Darry's always kept his head on straight. Even though he's been labeled white trash because we're poor, everyone respects him because of all he's done. He'd give anyone the shirt off his back if he thought he could help; hell, he already has. I don't know. Between both of my brothers, I have a lot to live up to. I can't tell you how much I love them. No words exist. _

_It hurt me to see Darry alone for so long cause I know who he really is—the side nobody but those closest to him ever see. Because he's proud and he thinks he has to be strong for everyone all the time. I think after Pony got hurt he let go of that tough bravado he used to show everyone. I think he's more comfortable showing his feelings, and you're part of that reason. Thank you for bringing that side of him out, Beth. He can be a stubborn jackass sometimes, but thanks for sticking it out and loving him anyways. You won't regret it I promise. My brother is worth it, I swear (but don't put up with his shit)._

_Thank you Beth. Thank you for everything._

_Sodapop Curtis_


	14. Chapter 14

_Find the cost of freedom_

_Buried in the ground_

_Mother Earth will swallow you_

_Lay your body down_

* * *

"What are you thinking, Pony? We could try some chocolate chocolate chip?"

"Chocolate…"

I grinned as I gripped the shopping cart while my brother leaned against his future sister-in-law. I hadn't proposed even two hours previous, and even though it wasn't polished or even an ounce romantic, Beth was crazy enough to accept. Accept me and all of my failures and faults. Accept a life that was uncertain—one brother half a world away fighting to survive his war in a jungle, and the other brother broken beside me from the internal war he was struggling within himself. He would be part of the lifetime package. 'Til death us do part' included Pony.

She accepted it all with a teary 'yes' without an ounce of hesitation. Instead of letting me take her out to a dinner I'd planned to be more romantic than my jittery "will you please marry me and my crazy family?", she wanted to hit Sobieski's with Ponyboy so they could plan their next care package of goodies to send to Sodapop and Steve.

"Is that a thing?" I noticed Pony's left leg jerk, and he grabbed onto the store shelving to steady himself while Beth's arm shot out to help hold him up.

"What's wrong, sweet pea?" Beth flashed a worried look my way as Pony held onto her arm tightly.

"Hurts today." Pony shrugged and then frowned when I made my way over. "I'm okay though. Really, it's okay."

"Yeah, spoken like a true Curtis." I grinned, leaning over to press my face against the top of Pony's head. "You need help, little buddy?"

Pony didn't answer, just shrugged while his face gave a small wince of discomfort. It reminded me then that my brother was as stubborn as I or Soda ever were. I huffed out a breath and proceeded to hoist him over my shoulder.

"Darry!" Pony protested in embarrassment while Beth let out a gasp.

"Darrel, what on earth are you doing to him?"

"Darry," I grinned slyly as I leaned over to give her a kiss.

"Fine," Beth smirked when I peeled my lips from hers, wondering foolishly if her lipstick was smudged on my mouth. "_Darry_, what on earth are you doing to him?'

"Who, him?" I grinned as I slid Ponyboy off my shoulder so that I was holding him behind his back and knees.

"Darry, honestly." Beth rolled her eyes at me, but smiled nonetheless.

"Well I thought he could ride in the cart." I cocked my head as I gauged my brother's expression while I moved to place him into the empty shopping buggy.

"Darry!"

Beth and Pony both cursed my name like I was the devil, and I couldn't help but laugh. I looked at my brother and laughed even harder when I saw that he was as red as a beet; frantically looking around the store to make sure there were no witnesses to his big brother's antics. I gently eased him down, and pretended it hurt when he clenched his right hand to pop me one in the shoulder.

"Didn't mean to embarrass ya, little buddy."

"Yeah, right." Ponyboy pouted while he reached over to the shelving to stand.

"Hey, now." My smile faded as I realized my brother was really struggling. "Your leg hurtin' pretty good, huh? C'mon, lemme help. For real this time."

"Don't embarrass me." Pony grumbled, and I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from grinning at him.

"Alright, I'm sorry."

I spun around with my back to him and crouched; turning my head to look at him while I reached over to pat the back of my own shoulder.

"What are you doing, now?" Beth looked at me curiously, but I just looked at my brother and patted my shoulder again.

"C'mon, get up. Can't have that leg of yours holdin' up your shoppin'. We got cookies to bake."

Pony's eyes softened immediately, and he bit his bottom lip while he limped the few steps towards me. He pressed himself up against my back while his right arm curled around my neck, and I slowly reached behind me to gently grab onto his thighs. He hooked his right ankle around his left, keeping his legs secure around my waist while I held on, piggybacking him down the baking isle of Sobieski's store.

"This okay? I ain't hurtin' ya, am I?" I craned my neck to see if my brother was okay.

"S'ok, thanks." Pony mumbled while Beth watched us worriedly.

"So, what about chocolate chocolate chip? Soda loves chocolate, right?"

Beth turned her attention back to the shelves that stocked all the important ingredients they'd need to make their next masterpiece, when I felt Pony's breath close to my ear. I turned my head back to look at him, and he kissed me quickly before it even registered to me what had happened.

"What was that for?" I asked him curiously.

Pony and I had become incredibly close, especially with Soda's absence, but he wasn't normally so open when there were people around.

"Thank you for letting me do this, Darry." And suddenly he looked very sad.

"Hey, what's with the pout? Of course I'd let you do this! I think it's a great idea, sendin' cookies to Steve 'n Soda. It means everythin' to them, kiddo. You're really helping by doin' this."

"You really think so, Darry?"

"Pony, your brother's nuts about you and he's been missin' the crap outta you. This helps him feel like you're with him."

Soda hadn't said those exact words, but I knew that was exactly what he was feeling. As soon as Ponyboy conjured up the idea of sending homemade baking, I was on board although unsure of how to pull it off. And in came Beth with her own excitement over the idea, and suddenly the idea became tangible. It became their mission. They were baking and sending cookies to Sodapop and Steve in Vietnam.

Pony tucked his face into the side of my neck, and I let him be. Beth looked on at him concerned, but I shook my head knowing I'd hit a spot. He'd been failing badly without Soda around, and these packages were the only thing keeping him going—another reason I had no choice but to support it, no matter how much it was costing in groceries and post office expenses.

Beth grabbed a few things from the shelf and took over navigating the shopping cart while I followed quietly with my brother on my back. Beth looked back a few times to check on us, but there was nothing to do until Pony was ready. As Beth checked the eggs and gently placed them in the cart, Pony took a deep breath and popped his head up from the crook of my neck.

"I love you, Darry." He whispered so softly, only I could hear him.

"I know, little buddy. I love you too. You okay?" I turned my head to look at him and he nodded.

The weather was mild for it being the middle of January, and I let my eyes close to the warmth of the sun with my brother on my back. Christmas had come and went without much celebration, and another year started. I stood there with Ponyboy; a feeling of peace as the sun shone on my face, and I steadied him as he slid from my back and onto his own feet.

"Hold on, kiddo. I'm gonna help Beth with the bags, and then get you settled in the truck, okay?"

Pony's face showed just how tired and sore he was, but he smiled and nodded at me as he leaned heavily against the stucco from the outside wall of the store.

Beth was already walking towards the exit with the sacs in hand when I made my way back in. I eyed mom's ring as it sparkled on her left hand, and I leaned down to kiss her while relieving her of the bags.

"Are you okay?" She looked up at me while her hand ran itself through my hair.

"Never better." I answered; warmth filling my blood as we made it back outside towards my brother.

Ponyboy took her hand and I led them to the truck.

I drove us home; smiling at Pony's excitement as he and Beth laid out their plans of how many cookies they'd send overseas, and just how crazy Soda was going to be with a batch of double chocolate.

His face was animated as he told the story of how Soda made the decision it was an acceptable breakfast, to scarf down a chunk of chocolate cake slathered in icing. Beth laughed wholeheartedly, and I could picture Soda in my mind—chest puffed out, stomping a foot down while he proposed his diet plan for the three of us about a week and a half after mom and dad's passing. The look on his face when I'd conceded was comical; thinking he'd have to twist my arm or fight me on the subject, but I was weak when it came to Soda. He could talk me into anything.

It was a small piece of heaven in a world full of hell, and in the back of my mind I knew it couldn't last—it wouldn't last. I turned the corner onto North St. Louis Avenue, and heard the guttural groan come from Beth. I looked at her worriedly—all colour drained from her face as the hand wearing my mother's engagement ring was raised and covering her mouth. I reflexively slammed on the brakes when I glanced to her line of view.

* * *

The world stopped for me that day. And even now looking back, it doesn't feel real. Everything seemed to be in slow motion as I pulled up into the drive beside the military car; the groceries long forgotten as the three of us made the short trek up to the house. I couldn't hear anything over the whooshing of my heartbeat in my ears; Beth holding tightly onto my one arm while my left hand crushed my baby brother's. I opened the door where the two Captains and Two-Bit were standing by soberly.

"The Secretary of the Army has requested me to inform you…"

I didn't catch their names.

They thanked me for Soda's service. They thanked me for his heroism, as if I had any part to play with just how amazing a man my brother had become. Sodapop's squad had been caught in the middle of an ambush and took heavy fire. No real details were available because it was still classified, but that he died from gunfire while tending to the wounded—his brothers in arms.

It was quick.

It was reported that he didn't suffer.

Body and belongings to be returned stateside at a later date.

It was suggested that his remains were not suitable for viewing.

Gunshot to the head.

"Do you have any questions?"

I sank heavily in dad's chair while Two-Bit held onto Pony, and Beth spoke quietly to the soldier bearing the telegram on how we proceed with arrangements. I wondered if Soda'd known the whole time; his "I miss yous' and his 'I love you's" always edged with the chance that we'd never see him again.

That was the thing about life; the uncertainty of it. Every moment borrowed; every moment a precious gift that can be taken away in a heartbeat. Life wasn't prejudiced; it took indiscriminately. I thought I'd learned all that from Ponyboy, but Sodapop would be my master teacher in the end.

The world blurred around me as I looked out the window; that January day clouding over appropriately. There would be no more sun shining down on the world this day or any day after. God had taken back our golden angel, and there wasn't a damned thing I or anyone else could do to change that.

My brother; the Sunshine, was gone.

The silence that grew around me was like a thick fog as I told myself what I'd always known—

It should've been me.

And I wondered selfishly while tempting fate; _when is it enough? How much more are you gonna take from me? How much more can one person take?_

I barely noticed him there until he was clinging to me greedily; too close but not close enough as the pieces left of him were trying to die along with his brother. I looked on at him feeling haunted; my hand gliding over his beautiful face. That beautiful face.

_God you look just like him. This can't be happening._

"It's a lie! It ain't true, right Darry? Darry? It ain't true! Soda wouldn't leave us! He wouldn't do that! They're lying! Darry, tell me they're lying!"

I shook my head desperately. I didn't even feel the sting when his right hand slapped across my face. I couldn't fix this for him. I couldn't protect him from the cold reality that our brother was gone. We'd never see his smile again or feel his soft warmth. We'd never hear his voice, telling us we'd be okay if we just stuck together.

I could only hold Ponyboy tighter as he fought me. His hands grabbed and tore at my shirt in his struggle. When he realized he was as powerless to change the tides of fate as I was, he pressed his face into my neck.

He sobbed.

And sobbed until—

The familiar rasp of a deep breath, whirling out jagged.

A wheeze in, as his lungs began to constrict, and I heard the frantic call Beth was making over the phone.

_Somebody help!_

One last breath.

His hands cold and mottled.

And then nothing.

_Find the cost of freedom_

_Buried in the ground_

_Mother Earth will swallow you_

_Lay your body down_

* * *

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

"_Find the Cost of Freedom" by S. Stills._


	15. Chapter 15

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

A big thank you to all that still follow this rubbish. I'm sorry that I made y'all cry.

* * *

And I'm suddenly there again in that goddamned uncomfortable excuse for a chair that's probably given me more problems with my back than years of haulin' roofing up a ladder ever did. It's pushed up against his bed, and I stare blankly at the differences in our hands as I hold his.

The skin on my hands is dry and calloused; nicks and tears here and there making them look like they belong to an old man. They're my dad's hands; no doubt in my mind. They're the hands of a man who's worked hard to do everything he can to keep his family together. They're the hands of a man that held on for too long, and too hard, and now is about to lose it all; everything slipping through and in between his rough and worn fingers.

The whooshing of the respirator is familiar but not in a comforting way. I'm still staring as I hold Pony's hand, trying to focus on just how delicate it is. Even with his left hand contorted and stiff, I realize that my brother has artist's hands, and the thought makes me want to cry along with a hundred different other things Soda always tried so hard to tell me.

Soda…

"Darry?"

The styrofoam cup full of coffee is hot as it's placed in my empty hand, and I don't even have the strength to bring it up to my lips to take a drink. I keep my eyes on where my brother and I are connected, and marvel at the differences.

"Darry, you've been here before. If it were somebody else…but it's Ponyboy. He's a fighter. Once the seizures stop we can cut back on the sedation."

"He stopped breathing again." I commented absently as I felt my gut churn with a cold sickness and my hands started that old needy tremble.

"That's why he's on the machine, Darry."

I looked over to Greg and nodded. The good Doctor Greg. Who else would be looking after my brother? I suddenly felt such shame for the way I'd carried on before; so jealous of Greg that Soda would somehow need him more than he needed me.

Soda…

"Soda's gone, Greg."

And his eyes portrayed a sadness that I could feel in my bones.

"Beth told me. I don't know what to say. I…I…" but he couldn't finish.

There was nothing _to_ say. His eyes said it all.

He pulled up a chair and sat with me for a while; silent at first, and I wondered how different it must've felt for him. We weren't just patients to him anymore. He was more invested now than when he'd first met us. When and why had he let the line blur between patient and friend?

"You brothers have something very special. We're all drawn to it." Greg spoke like he was reading my thoughts.

"I don't know what I'm gonna do." I said truthfully, and desperately.

"I can't pretend to know what this is doing to you, Darry. I think you're quite possibly the strongest man I know, but I also know it's been because of your brothers—for your brothers. You're not alone, Darry. We're with you."

Pony's hand and mine started to blur as I fought the tears back enough that they simply started to clump around my eyelashes. I let go of my brother to hastily wipe my eyes dry. I just didn't want to cry anymore. I was done with it.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"I'd tell you to go home and get some rest, but I remember how those conversations always end."

Greg reminisces with a sad sort of grin, and if the circumstances were different, I'd probably ease him with a laugh or a chuckle, but I'm fighting to steady my hands, and I just can't tell him I'm about to crash; that I need someone to hold me down before I rail myself into that brick wall that's been at the end of the line waiting for me since the night my parents died.

"Maybe you're right." My lips are moving, but I have no real grasp on what I've just said.

Greg looks on at me with an odd expression as I squeeze my brother's hand before bringing it to my mouth where I hold it to my lips. I feel the shame as I slowly settle it back to the hospital bed. I stand from the chair and toss the untouched coffee into the trash, and I head for the glass door.

"Darry?" Greg questions, like he knows I can't be trusted, but he's just too polite to say anything and I walk away.

I'm immune to the fact I've slipped out; abandoning both Beth and Two-Bit somewhere in that hospital while I'm practically sprinting out to the truck, hell bent on numbing everything that hasn't even hit me yet.

The snow is heavy and wet; the air cold when I'm halfway to the truck and I hear him call me. Before I can even blink he has me spun around facing him.

"Where the hell do you think you're goin'?"

Two-Bit's face showed concern, but there's no hiding the anger that's weaved into that expression, and I can't hide from him. He knows exactly what's rolling around in my head.

"Christ, you can't be this selfish, can you?" His eyes narrow as he challenges me.

"Get outta my way."

My voice is so low that I barely recognize it; I barely recognize myself as I'm about to fall headfirst into my own unraveling.

"We still need you, Darry. Ponyboy still needs you."

I stopped, suddenly consumed by my despair and bitterness; letting the rage of shitty luck and circumstances lash out at its unsuspecting target, Two-Bit.

"What the fuck do you know? It wasn't your parents that left you to raise two Goddamned teenagers! It wasn't your fault that one of them got hauled off and was given to the hands of someone that fucked him up so bad he still can't walk a year later! And it ain't your brother that got his head blown off in Vietnam! So what the fuck do you know Keith? 'Cause last time I checked, your mama was still around and still giving a shit about your sorry ass!"

"Don't do this, Darry." Two-Bit managed to stay calm; so unlike the guy I'd known him to be before we were all forced to grow up too soon.

That guy would've decked me already; no questions asked, but life had done nothing but kick dirt in the face of us both, and we were both so tired of fighting.

"Don't do what?" I snarled.

"You don't think this is killing me? I fuckin' loved Sodapop too, you selfish prick! This ain't just happenin' to you! And I swear to God if you run out now and take that drink…I swear to God, Darry Curtis! You still got a brother and don't you fucking dare do that to him!"

"Or what? You gonna gimme a beatdown? You think you'd win?" I glared.

"It came, Darry. My draft letter; came about twenty minutes before them soldiers showed up to tell us Sodapop's gone."

The revelation was like getting socked in the gut; it took the breath and the fight right out of me. I suddenly noticed the winter air, and I started to shudder from more than just my desire to get drunk and forget. The whole world was seeping coldly into my veins. There was nowhere left to seek shelter from it.

"I need you to tell me what to do, Darry." Two-Bit pleaded, and you would've thought that I was _his _big brother too. "I don't know what to do. I ain't goin', but I don't wanna end up in jail. Darry, what do I do?"

"I can't do this anymore, Keith." I looked at him defeated. "I give up. What the fuck do I know anyways? The decisions I've made haven't done anything but get my brothers killed."

"Pony ain't dead, Darry! And what about your girl? What about Steve for fuck's sake? You don't think he's gonna need you when he comes home? We all need you! You leave here to get shitfaced, you really are going to lose everything!"

"Then so be it." I replied stubbornly.

The truth was, after Two-Bit's bombshell I didn't know what the hell I wanted; I just needed to run.

I left him standing there in the heavy, wet parking lot of the hospital while I started up the truck; the tires spinning on a patch of ice as the tail-end slid left and successfully completed a shit-hook.

With a lead foot, I bulleted through town. I was fast approaching that familiar watering hole when I heard him as clear as day.

"Son, it's going to be okay."

My head whipped right as though my father were a passenger in the truck beside me, but the seat remained cold and empty.

"C'mon, son. Think about what you're doing."

"Like you and mom did? Everything I do is wrong! Can't you see that? I shouldn'ta stayed. It's my fault! Why'd you leave me with this?"

I'd never let myself be angry at my father before, but it all came pouring out as I quickly passed the busy lot to "Checkers", knowing that I was not going to have that drink, but that I was going to go home to calm down before heading back to Pony, Two-Bit, and Beth—what was left of my family.

"I'm sorry for that, son. It's going to be okay."

"You don't know that!" I spit out as the wipers smeared the frozen sleet across the windshield and the road became a white, frozen blur.

"Darrel, I need you to hold on and listen to me. It's going to be okay."

His voice was loud, calm, and firm and I was sure that I was going crazy as I realized I'd been arguing with the voice of my dead father. I shook my head; trying to clear the hallucination, but the voice persisted.

"Whatever happens, you're going to be okay, Darry."

The snow and ice were piling up despite the fact I had the truck's heater on high; the wipers continuing to make a wet mess of my field of vision. The snow blanketed down heavily, making it nearly impossible to see anything that was more than a few inches away.

I didn't see the light at first and by the time I heard the train's lonely horn, I'd forgotten all about that broken rail guard. My foot stomped on the brake pedal all the way to the floor of the truck, but I should've known better. I knew dad's old truck would slip and spin out before I lost complete control of it.

I clenched my eyes and braced myself as blinding light flashed in my head and I heard the crunch of metal around me as the train ran through the bed of dad's truck. I felt hot, searing pain shoot through me from my toes to my shoulders; my head colliding with the steering wheel before the truck flipped, and then there was nothing but my dad's voice.

"It's going to be okay, son. Hold on."


	16. Chapter 16

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

Sorry once again if I made y'all cry. Here's some more drivel.

* * *

"_Hey, Darry! There's a buncha girls on TV!"_

_In desperate need of a break from reality, I looked up from the pile of bills on the kitchen table; a grin pulling at my face while I stood up and made my way for the living room. Sodapop's eyes looked like they were ready to pop out of their sockets as he was glued to the scene in front of him—some sort of televised beauty pageant._

_On the stage were a plethora of lovely ladies; legs and curves for as long as you could stand to look at them. Ponyboy as usual, had his nose shoved in a book while he was stretched out lengthways, with his feet resting in his brother's lap._

_I huffed out an amused laugh as I plunked down onto the sofa beside Sodapop, reaching over to playfully wipe at his chin._

"_Careful, Pepsi. You'll drown the kid with all that drool." I grinned._

"_Yeah, right! Like you ain't lookin' and droolin' too!" Soda snorted before punching me playfully in the shoulder._

_I chuckled, but didn't deny anything._

"_I don't get it," Pony peered over his book to take a gander at the television. "What's so great about a buncha girls in bathing suits anyways?"_

"_What's so great about a buncha girls? Half-naked girls?" Soda feigned horror. "Darry, call the doctor! Somethin's wrong with our brother!"_

"_Soda, cut it out!" Pony half-whined at his brother's teasing, and I couldn't help but stifle a laugh._

"_Alright, leave him alone, little buddy. It's okay if he ain't ready for that stuff yet. Don't worry Pone, you'll catch on in a couple of years, God help me." _

_I could already feel the hair on my head turn grey. If Ponyboy turned out to be anywhere near like his brother Sodapop, I was in for a lot of trouble. I could already imagine the number of phone calls from girl's parents that I'd get; complaining about their precious daughters being corrupted by a pair of green-grey eyes and the little cleft in that chin._

"_Catch onto what?" Pony rolled his eyes at the television and returned to his novel._

"_Why half-naked girls are reason to get all sorts of excited! Oh boy, Darry! Lookit Miss Texas!" Soda piped up. I could only laugh at his antics._

_Sodapop continued ogling the pageant contestants and I gave Pony a wink after rolling my eyes. Pony cracked a grin, and I reached over to give his foot a squeeze. A sudden jolt of pain shot through me, and I heard the groan come out of nowhere._

"_You okay, Darry?" Ponyboy looked on at me curiously._

_I tried to shrug it off, but I couldn't seem to move. The pain was crushing as it wrapped itself around the entire left side of my body. I couldn't help it when I hollered out and my right hand slowly reached over to clutch at my left arm while I shut my eyes to blinding light._

"_Darry, what is it? You okay?"_

_I could hear the panic in Soda's voice rise and I yelled out as I felt the pain start to envelop me. My brothers were both at my side trying to help, but I didn't even know what was wrong or what was happening._

"_Darry?" _

_I could hear Pony start to panic, and dammit if I didn't try like hell to swallow it down so that I wouldn't scare him, but it was too late. It was too much. I couldn't handle it._

"_Soda! What's wrong with Darry? Sodapop!"_

"_Shhh…it's okay, hon. Just take it easy, okay? Darry's gonna be okay, baby." _

_I could hear Soda comfort our little brother, but there was something off. Something wasn't right. Something had happened, but I couldn't place it because of the goddamned pain. I held my breath; my body on fire with the excruciating feeling of being crushed into pieces._

"_Darry, it's gonna be okay. Just take a deep breath. I'm right here. You're gonna be okay; I gotcha." I felt Soda whisper against my ear, and it made me want to cry._

"Mr. Curtis! We're moving you over to the other stretcher, okay? It's going to hurt a bit, but we've got you. You're gonna be okay."

I tried to open my eyes, but the light was too bright, and it felt like they were glued shut along with something making them sting. There were unfamiliar voices all around me, and incessant screaming that was shrill and wearing down my last nerve. I was ready to give everything I owned to make the screaming stop; not realizing that the screaming was coming from me.

"Okay, let's move him on the count of three. One. Two. Three."

I felt my voice give out; the dry aching scratch giving way to panic. Where were my brothers? They were right beside me on that couch, watching the pretty girls on the TV. Where were they now? What happened, and why couldn't I remember? Why couldn't I move without this blinding pain?

"Stay with us Mr. Curtis."

I heard the voice, and through the fog of hurt I could feel hands all over me—poking, prodding, pulling, and pushing. With each jostle there was more screaming. My throat felt as raw and exposed as the rest of me, but I couldn't stop.

"Soda! Where're my brothers?"

"Anyone else in the vehicle with him?"

"This arm is shot. I can't get a line in. You gotta good site over there?"

"Nope. Try his neck. Did you call surgery? We need them down here now!"

There were more voices; urgent and anxious around and over me and it was all too familiar. I'd been here before. I was the spectator; pushed back and kept aside as a myriad of professionals in medical garb surrounded my beaten, half-dead and defiled baby brother, and worked tirelessly to keep his fragile body going until the angels up in intensive care were able to take over. But it wasn't Ponyboy laying on the gurney with what felt like a body crushed to a pulp and a thousand different hands moving around and making the pain feel worse.

"Hold up!"

"Please…" I managed to croak out when I felt someone gently lift open my eyelid.

"Wait wait wait wait wait!"

"Wrong patient, doc! Yours is in pod one."

"Hey, what's going on? I know this man; he's my friend! What the hell happened?"

"Truck versus train."

"Oh, Jesus! Darry! Oh shit, Darry!"

I tried to respond, but I could only groan out in agony.

"It's okay. You're going to feel better real soon! They've got some morphine coming, alright? Can you hear me? I'm right here, Darry. I'm right here, buddy!" I could feel his fingers card through my hair.

"Greg…" I grunted as I felt more hands prodding. I was starting to feel cold.

"I'm right here, Darry. I'm right here. Do you remember what happened?"

I tried to shake my head, but I couldn't feel if I'd managed it or not. I couldn't feel anything except for the incessant torture that wouldn't let up its grip on my body.

"Darry, have you been drinking?"

"No. I didn't do it. Tell Two-Bit I didn't. I was gonna, but he was right..." My throat felt thick as I felt myself drifting.

"Shhh…it's okay. I'll tell him. Darry? Darry, you hang in there! Don't you dare give up! Can you hear me?"

"_It's okay, Darry. Us three against the world, remember? It's gonna be okay."_

I could hear his voice as clear as day; soft and comforting next to my face.

"Soda…" I managed to croak before the lights stopped being so bright.

* * *

_Darry & Ponyboy,_

_Gosh, but this has got to be the hardest thing I've ever had to write. I mean, they say it's a good idea in case you know, something goes wrong and I'm hurt too bad to make it home. I guess it's just hard to picture it. Not coming home I mean. But I guess if you're reading this, then it's happened and that's what makes this so hard because I don't know what to say to you to make it better._

_It kills me to think I wouldn't be around for the two of you. I hope you both know how crazy I am about you! I don't even know how this heaven/hell thing is gonna work out for me if I can't be near you guys. I need you. I miss you like crazy and the thought if spending the rest of eternity missing you like this ain't really a great sell for the whole death thing. I can't stand to think of you getting the news and I'm not even there to hug you and tell you that it's gonna be okay. I won't be able to make you feel better. I hate it!_

_I try to stay focused on what I'm doing over here, but the thought eventually crosses my mind after seeing what I've seen. I know I'm in a war, and people die. I've had guys die on me when I've done everything I could, but I ain't God and I don't have all the answers. If I did, I guess I wouldn't be here in the first place. But it's hard to think about bein' dead for myself, like what happens? Is that it for me? Or do I go up to heaven and hang out with mom and dad and Jesus? It's crazy, so I thought long about it, and I wanna be buried next to mom and dad. I think I'll feel better about it—if it happens—if I'm next to them. Plus, if I'm close to them I won't have to go searching for them for long. They'll be right there. Kind of a win win thing right?_

_I guess maybe I shouldn't get all worked up over all this. This letter is just what everyone told me to do. Just in case. Everything's gonna be okay, but I guess there's that chance and maybe the odds are stacked against me, I just don't want you thinking I gave up or that I didn't try. I'm tryin' to make it out of here every time I open my eyes. Every time a man goes down, I pray to God I get to go home. Maybe I'm a coward because of it, but I don't know if there're heroes over here like the two I got at home. You two are it. You save me everyday, just thinkin' about what I got to go home to. You save me._

_Everybody wants a happy ending, but we know better than anybody that it don't always work that way. I know I got no right, because you know exactly what a bawl baby I am, and if the roles were reversed and it was Darry here instead of me I don't know what I'd do. I just don't want you to be sad. I can't stand the thought of it breaking you down. I ain't no hero like you two, but this is sort of the hero's part, right? And death is just sort of the last part of life. We don't get a say when or how it happens. Be brave like I already know you are. Wake up every day and know that I love you guys, and I'm over here so you guys can go on and be happy. Do that for me. Take care of each other for me, because that's what I want. It's what I always wanted._

_I have one last favor. Please look out for Sandy and Jack? I know I don't gotta ask, but I will anyway. I want Jack to know his uncles. It's important to me that he knows where he comes from and I know Sandy's gonna tell him about me and all that, but you two know me in a different way ya dig? I bet there's lots of crazy stories you can tell him about when we were kids. I don't want him living in a world where he doesn't know you guys. I mean you too, Pony. Take care of my boy for me. Keep him close—I'm counting on you._

_Well guys, I guess that's it. Family is everything, so I need you to keep lookin' out for each other. Darry, stay patient with Pony and Pony, be patient too and know how much you mean to Darry. I sure am gonna miss ya. I love you._

_Sodapop_


	17. Chapter 17

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

The first thing that seemed to hit me amidst the fog in my head, was the almost irritating silence that surrounded me. Nothing could prepare me for the utter lack of noise; it'd always been a constant in my life. A house full of teenaged boys arguing, laughing, wrestling and turning furniture over was a daily occurrence as was me always hollering after them to keep it down.

I could sense the brightness before I tested it out for myself; squinting my eyes before allowing my eyelids to open a sliver. The sun shone brightly through an unfamiliar window as I let my eyes adjust to the light of it. The warmth was welcome against my face until I felt the tickle caress the bridge of my nose and was unable to move either of my arms to scratch it.

"Ungh…"

My mouth was dry; my throat worn and raw as I tried to call one of the boys. It was clear to me that I wasn't at home in bed, or in Beth's bed for that matter, and I racked my brain trying to come up with an answer.

The ache started as I tried in vain to move again, and I heard myself groan as my head fell listlessly to the side; the sun becoming trying while I searched my mind for some sort of clue as to what had happened, and came up empty handed.

"Uhhahh…" I tried to call out again.

"Shhhh…"

I felt her hand as it gently stroked my face before helping move my head to face the other direction. I'd only seen Beth look that way once before; when I'd lost my temper and yelled at her to get out of my house. She looked white as a ghost with dark bruising under her eyes that came from no sleep. I looked at her worriedly, wanting to know what happened and if she was alright. Her eyes started filling, and I tried to bring my hand up to touch her face, but couldn't.

"Uhhhh…" I tried again to speak, but couldn't for the dryness.

Beth seemed to read my mind as she reached over with a cup and straw, placing it gently between my lips which started sticking to the plastic.

"Drink slow, baby. Don't drink it all." She whispered while looking at me with absolute fatigue.

I wondered why I barely had enough energy to take the few swallows I did, but then lost that train of thought when I felt my bottom lip split open while Beth had pulled the straw out from my mouth. I winced at the sting and quickly let my tongue roam over; tasting blood. I tried one more time; unsuccessful to lift my arm and looked back at Beth, still not knowing what was going on.

"Your arms are broken, sweetie. You can't move them, okay?"

"Why?" I tried to ask, and it only sounded like mumbled nonsense to me, but Beth seemed to understand.

"You were in an accident, baby. Don't you remember?"

Her hand was soft as it ruffled through my hair, and I tried searching back in my memory for some clue as to what happened to me, but I couldn't for the life of me come up with anything.

"Beth," I managed to garble out, and her face lit up like I'd just asked her to marry me.

"Yeah, baby. It's me. I ain't leaving; I'm right here."

I felt a sudden wave of heat rush at me as the world developed a misty halo in my vision, and a thought gnawed at my chest making it feel heavy.

"I was drunk?" My throat seized up as I broke out into tears with the thought that I'd been so selfish and irresponsible to put myself and my family at risk with such a stupid action.

"No, no, no! Honey, you weren't drunk. You didn't have anything to drink, sweetie. It's okay." Beth's voice was soft and her touch was reassuring.

"Really? 'Cause I feel drunk, are you sure? My nose is itchy." I was blubberin' gibberish and couldn't stop myself.

"Darry," Beth smiled while gently scratching my nose for me. "It's the morphine. I promise you, you didn't drink. I promise."

"I love you."

It was Beth's turn to burst into tears; burying her face into the side of mine while both of her hands cradled my head. I could feel the warm tickle of tears as they rolled from her cheek onto mine, and I turned my face into hers more firmly; the only physical comfort I was able to give her.

"I love you so much!" She weeped and I tried so hard to remember what happened, but just couldn't.

"The boys weren't with me, were they?" I mumbled at the thought that I could remember hearing my brothers talking to me.

Beth pulled back and stared at me with an uncomfortable expression before slowly shaking her head.

"They okay? They know I'm here, right? I don't want 'em worryin' about me. Tell Soda he's got the fort while I heal up, 'kay? Tell him no parties." I huffed a laugh imagining the way Sodapop would roll his eyes and probably stick his tongue out at me for that comment.

Beth pressed her face up against mine again, not answering me with words but with soft kisses to my face.

"Rest, Darry. Just get some rest, okay? That's all you need to do right now." She sniffed.

I nodded slowly as I closed my eyes and let the sunshine through the window take me.

* * *

I had no concept of how much time had passed when my eyes managed to pry themselves open again. In fact nothing was really registering except the fact that my entire body was consumed in deep, aching pain. My eyes clenched shut as I let out a groan; the ache growing every time I tried to move.

"Easy,"

I felt the hand rest on my forehead as the calm voice spoke; familiar and yet I couldn't come up with a name. I struggled again to move, and again was thwarted into that throbbing abyss of hurt that sparked my eyes to water, and a guttural cry from my throat.

"_Diganeli_, you need to take it easy. Don't make it hurt more."

"Greg?" I groaned in confusion. The name eluded me.

"Easy, Darry. You're safe. You're in good hands, it's okay."

His hand was warm and soothing as it gently rubbed the top of my head. I tried to concentrate on the tone of his voice and his words, but my body felt like it was screaming at me. I tried to open my eyes, but they were wet and dripping, and I felt an irrational embarrassment for them, so I just squeezed them tighter while I clenched my jaw; holding my breath while waiting for the pain to pass.

"No brother. _Diganeli_ don't tense up, it just makes it worse."

"Hurts," I managed to grunt, and I felt exposed.

"I know, brother but you need to stay lax. Don't tense up, brother. Think of jello."

"You said don't move."

"That's right, Darry."

I managed to crack an eye open; its eyebrow pulling up along with it as I inspected the owner of that voice. I would've smiled at my copper skinned friend if I hadn't have felt so lousy.

"Jello jiggles. You said don't move."

His laugh was soft, and I felt my mouth curl up despite the way my body screamed at me. It'd been forever since I'd seen Eric. I hadn't seen him since the night he'd handed me the weapon that ended Martin Campbell's life.

"How do you feel, Darry?"

"Hurts. Cold."

"You're cold?" Eric looked at me confused.

"Yeah." I opted to answer instead of nodding, in an attempt not to cause more throbbing.

"Hold on, _diganeli_."

I watched on curiously as Eric left the side of my bed and made his way out of the room. I closed my eyes wanting to drift back into nothingness, but the ache was stubborn as well as the chill that seemed to settle into me.

As much as I didn't want to bother or worry my brothers, I wished desperately for them, and thought it was odd that they hadn't been around. I would've killed to have Soda there, knowing damned well those hands of his could've relaxed me into a coma. Where were they? I could feel that something was wrong, but thoughts were muddled in my head and I couldn't seem to piece things together.

My eyes snapped open when I felt heat envelope me, and I opened my eyes to find Eric covering me in a hot blanket. I immediately thought of my baby brother; Sodapop wrapping him in that flannel blanket and the way he snuggled right in like it cured every horrible thing he'd ever been through. It felt good.

"Thank you," it was more of a whisper as my voice seemed to crack.

"You're welcome. Just close your eyes, brother. Your Beth will be here soon."

"Where're my brothers? Haven't seen 'em."

Eric seemed to pale slightly as he looked on at me as though I'd grown a third eyeball right in front of him. That voice nagged at me again. Something was wrong. Why couldn't I think?

"Darry, what's the last thing you remember?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you remember the accident? Do you remember?"

"Accident?"

It was my turn to look at Eric like he was the one growing a third eye, but then the realization crossed my mind along with the thought that my brothers hadn't been around. My blood felt ice cold. I could barely catch my breath as I looked desperately over to my friend.

"Oh God! Were they with me? Eric! Where are my brothers? Are they okay? Were they with me? Oh God! Were they hurt? Please…Eric, where are they? Eric…"

"Darry, easy." Eric placed a hand on my shoulder in an effort to calm me, but all it did was terrify me more.

"Darry, your brothers weren't with you. Don't you remember?" Eric looked concerned.

I closed my eyes and tried to think back. I could remember faces and voices but I couldn't seem to place them in time. I had no idea how long I'd been laying there. I shook my head.

"It was a train _diganeli. _You got tangled up on the tracks. Cops said the road conditions were treacherous and you got stuck."

The sound of a train entered my mind as well as my father's voice.

"_Whatever happens, you're going to be okay, son." _

As I laid there with my eyes clenched shut, I could feel the back end of the truck crumble as it was torn off the road; flipping itself and me until I was no longer conscious. Lights and sirens were blaring like the forlorn sound of the train's horn. Blood—wet, cold, and aching consumed me as voices yelled at me.

"_Hold on! Hang in there!"_

Until there were more lights; bright and blinding as cold hands jostled their way around. Excruciating pain consumed me. I could hear the screaming—never ending. The physical agony only touching the surface, but deeper down…

"_Us three against the world!"_

"Pepsi…"

I choked on the name as I stumbled upon the realization. Soda was gone. He didn't make it out of Vietnam. Pony couldn't take it; shutting down, not able to accept the fact that his favourite person on earth would not be coming home again.

"Darry. I'm so sorry, brother. I'm so sorry about _Oonahgwaya_. I loved him, brother. We all loved him."

I couldn't speak. My chest felt like it laid open; empty and waiting for a mercy that would never come. Eric was quiet with me; allowing me my silent mourning over Sodapop.

Soda.

How the fuck were we going to move on without him? I couldn't fathom what life would look like with him gone.

The steady stream flowed over my temples, wetting my hair and the pillow beneath my head. Then a deep fear gripped me.

"Pony!"

"Shhhh…he's okay. You don't have to worry, Darry."

"No, he wasn't breathing, Eric. You don't understand! You gotta get me outta here! I gotta take care of him! I'm all he's got now!"

"He's breathing, _diganeli. _He's okay. He's looked after, we're seeing to it." Eric's confident voice was like a salve that was soothing my wounds.

"Who?"

"Don't worry, Darry. Greg would never let anything bad happen to your brother."

"Greg…"

I cried again, thinking about how different things would've been had it not been for Greg. Time and again, he'd gone above and beyond for me and both of my brothers, and even though Soda was gone I couldn't help but feel fortunate that I still had Ponyboy. It was all because of Greg Allain. There would be time to mourn losses, but thanks to him, I still had one brother by my side, and we could help each other through; it would be the two of us mourning together.

"What's going on? Did he wake up?" I could hear Beth coming closer but I wasn't quite yet ready to open my eyes.

"Just a minute ago." Eric lied as I felt him squeeze my hand before standing.

"Oh my God! Haven't they come to give him anything yet? God damn them!" Beth noticed the state I was in and immediately was on guard; ready to take care of me.

It was a strange feeling to be on the receiving end of that sort of care from someone other than Soda.

Sodapop.

"Easy, Beth. He's okay. You stay with him, and I'll go find his nurse. I'll get him another warm blanket."

"Eric…thank you so much."

Her voice broke and I could hear as Beth broke down into tears. I wanted so bad to sit up; reach for her and bring her into my arms where I could hold her, but all I could manage was to open my eyes to watch as Eric was there giving her the hug that I couldn't.

"He's okay, Beth. He's got a long road ahead of him, but he'll be okay. He's strong like his brother…his brothers."

"I know, I just…it's so much. I just…it isn't fair!"

Beth sobbed and I felt horrible. My life was one disaster and disappointment after another that I didn't mean to drag her into. She deserved so much better—her own life had its own pain and loss and I just wanted to be able to give her something more.

"Hey," my voice sounded froggy and I wished like mad that I could hold my hand out to her.

Beth jolted away from Eric and hurried into the seat he'd been occupying only seconds before. I wanted so bad to touch her. I could tell from experience, the look of stress and worry like a mask on her beautiful face. The ring I'd put on her finger sparkled as the light hit it and she wiped impatiently at her eyes before looking at me with a pained smile.

"It's okay. We're gonna be okay, doll." I winked at her and she let out a laugh before leaning in close to kiss me.

"I love you," she whispered as she pressed the side of her face against mine.

I nodded slightly as Eric swung into my field of view along with a nurse. He grinned as Beth sat up straight and held her hands out for the folded blanket that he was clutching, but helped her when she moved to cover me with it.

"Mmmm…you have to marry me for sure now." I moaned as the warmth seeped in deep, and even though the physical and emotional aches were still all-encompassing, I knew it was going to end soon, and I'd soon be oblivious to them again.

The nurse looked over at Beth before it seemed like she disappeared behind my left. I looked at Beth as I felt the fog settle in my brain, and as I'd predicted I fell asleep.


	18. Chapter 18

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

I know it's been a rough read lately, so I'd like to thank all y'all who are hanging out with me and hanging in there for that happy ending. Your comments give me life, so thank you!

This one is a little sad, a little funny, a little long. Here we go.

* * *

Time doesn't mean a whole helluva lot when you can't do anything but lay there in a bed waiting. I relished in my drug-induced fog, wanting to take the short cut all the way to the end where I was healthy and healed and ready to get on with life, whatever that life might look like. I knew it would be hard, but I still had a lot to be thankful for, namely Beth, friends that were near and scattered, and somewhere out there was my youngest brother.

The thought of Ponyboy alone without me caused a deep itch under my skin that left me uncomfortable and twitchy. He needed me, and in all honesty, I needed him just as much. I could feel the discomfort of my regular visitors; skirting around the subject of Sodapop's death. Even Beth, bless her heart, wanted to change the subject when his name fell from my lips, as though it were poison. I knew it was her not wanting me to get worked up, but the silence was tearing me up. It was as though he never existed, but his impact was unending. Silence and denial weren't going to be what helped me heal. The better part of a year with my head in a bottle taught me that. I knew it was going to be one of the hardest things I'd have to fully accept, but I didn't know how I was going to do that without Ponyboy.

There were seven of us that afternoon my brothers and I laid our parents to rest. Now I didn't know who was left; Dallas Winston, Johnny Cade, and my brother were all taken. Taken by the harshness of growing up where we had. The streets and the cold brutality of war. Both were unforgiving. Both took three boys violently and indiscriminately.

The remaining four of us were like scattered ashes of their memory. Steve Randal was still across the globe fighting in that war that ripped my brother from our lives. I was laid up while the inside and outside of me tried to come to terms with the loss. Ponyboy, like me needed to find his way. Keith Mathews—Two-Bit faced with his own decision of war or jail, and my heart broke more. After everything he'd done for my brothers—for me. I pushed him away that night and I hated myself for it. How fitting it was that I lay broken in a hospital bed. I didn't deserve much more for the way I turned my back on him.

Days seeped into each other and I wasn't really even aware. It all felt like a dream, and all I wanted to do was wake up from it and have everything back to the way it was. Life had been tough, but we'd all had each other and now looking back, it didn't seem that bad compared to what was happening now.

The fog grew less heavy as time passed, and when my mind was clearer was when I could feel warm water glide over my head, and the firm yet gentle friction of my hair being washed. I made a move to raise my arm and was confused when there was no resistance. I opened my eyes and gently grabbed for Beth's hand; her face registering an expression I didn't understand.

"Darry?"

"Hey," I croaked; throat dry and scratchy like it had been when I'd first woken up and realized where I was.

"Did I hurt you?" Beth stopped what she was doing and looked at me in concern.

I shook my head. "Feels nice."

My eyes closed again. I was more than exhausted. I felt a weakness I'd never felt before. I had no idea how long I'd been confined to that bed, but I had a sense that it'd been for some time just by the fatigue that I was feeling. I'd never been a man to sit around in the past and I wondered how long it would take to get to feeling normal again.

"Your hair's getting long," Beth commented absently as she let go of my hand; her fingers running through the dripping strands.

"How?"

"Hmmm?"

"My hair." I was weak enough that I was losing my train of thought. "Washing…how did you…"

"I'm a nurse, silly." Beth's smile was probably the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. "I know the rules."

She winked at me playfully.

"'M I gonna get the bed all wet?"

"It's okay, sweetheart. I was gonna wash you down. Give you a bath and change the linens. Hopefully that will help you feel better."

"No fair." I frowned.

"What's not fair?" Beth stopped in her tracks and gave me a worried look.

"You bathing me. Every man's dream is to have a beautiful nurse giving him a bed bath. I'm too sick to enjoy it." I tried to smirk, but I don't know how it looked. I was so damned tired.

Beth rolled her eyes before barking out in laughter. It made me smile to hear that carefree laughter of hers. I wanted to tell her so, but she'd slapped a damp washcloth over my face and told me to help out.

"I should've said _nice_, beautiful nurse." I quipped as I felt for the cloth with my free hand and proceeded to scrub my face.

Beth blessed me with another heavenly laugh, and I felt a genuine smile pull at my mouth as I slowly led the cloth over and around my face. Confusion and concern soon interrupted however, when the tips of my fingers grazed over my jaw and I felt the full growth of a beard.

My eyes snapped up to Beth as I felt panic set in; my breaths coming out quick and sharp. It occurred to me that more time had passed than I was even aware of, and a feeling of helplessness took over.

"Darry," Beth noticed the panic right away; halting what she was doing to lean over me to run her hand over my forehead.

"Darry, listen to me. You're okay. You're okay."

Her voice was calm but firm as her eyes stayed very focused on my own. It was an out-of-body experience like I'd had that night I blacked out drunk and high with the help of Wendy. I found myself terrified, and the feeling was as foreign as being confined to a bed. I was in a full-body tremble. What the fuck had happened? What was going on?

"What happened?" My voice shook along with the rest of me as I focused on Beth for some kind of answer.

"There was an accident, Dar…"

"Yeah, I know there was a goddamned accident, Beth! I know there was a fuckin' accident! What the fuck happened to me? How long have I been here?"

My voice boomed throughout the room despite how weak I'd been, and how much I didn't want to take it out on Beth.

"Shhhh…don't get worked up, please."

"Beth," I looked at her, begging to know the truth. "What happened? Why don't I remember anything?"

She looked away, maybe wondering what she was going to say to me, or how she was going to word it, and with every silent moment that passed, the tremble within me grew. She finally faced me again, but I could sense that she was very guarded.

"You got an infection—went septic. You almost lost your leg, but they were able to save it."

"My leg?"

"Yeah, honey. You were in bad shape. Your arms, your legs, but the left leg was the worst of it. You don't remember it?"

"Pieces," I commented; detached as I lifted my right arm and inspected it as I lay there naked and wet, covered in a few small towels. "How long?"

"Darry, I don't…"

"Dammit, Beth! I wanna know!"

"A few weeks." She whispered.

"A few?" I looked at her disbelieving as my right hand lay itself over my jaw and rubbed the beard I knew took more than a few weeks to grow.

"Six. Darry, let me finish, please? Let me get you washed up and dry and we can talk, okay?"

"Don't lie to me, Beth."

"It's not my intention to lie to you, but I almost lost you and I'm not willing to go through that again when you catch your death from pneumonia."

I gave her an abrupt nod but kept my silence while looking away as she went about the business of taking care of me. She took her time, knowing I needed it to calm my temper and I was thankful for it. I'd hurt enough people I loved in the past from a temper that was too quick to flare, and as confused and scared as I was, I didn't want to hurt her.

A nurse came in to help Beth when it was time to wash my back and change the linens, and once it was over and I was fluffed and puffed, a part of me really did feel better, but there was still a part that was wary with having a huge chunk of my life missing.

"Can I sit up? I'm tired of looking at this ceiling." I grumbled as the nurse was rolling up the dirty linens that I'd been laying in for the last two months without my awareness.

Beth looked over to the nurse who gave her a cautious nod in return. Beth looked back over to me from the foot of the hospital bed before crouching down. Slowly the head of the bed started to raise, and I took in my surroundings; noticing the cast on my left arm. It wrapped around my hand like a plaster glove with the thumb and fingers cut off and ran itself all the way up to just below my shoulder. My arm was bent at the elbow; my hand resting on my abdomen with the help of a sling.

Beth had my lower half covered so that I couldn't see. She'd told me it was bad, and although curious, I was thankful that she knew me well enough to know I wasn't quite ready for what lay beneath the sheet. I looked over at my right arm and saw the sick green and purple pallor of weeks-old bruising. I opened and closed my hand, and although it was weak, the fingers moved without any difficulty. Not quite ready to look further, I brought my hand up to my face to rub along my jaw again before carding my fingers through my hair which had grown out considerably.

"It looks good. Sexy, actually." Beth smiled shyly.

"Yeah? Good. Go grab your guitar. We'll head out west and sing _Kumbaya_ on the street corner with all the other hippies."

Beth shook her head at me with a sigh, but the tight grin she wore cracked into a full-blown smile as she edged closer to me. I watched her as she approached slowly; leaning down until we were face-to-face and made a move like she was going to kiss me.

"Are you quite finished, smart ass?"

"No guarantees." I frowned, staring at my lower half beneath the blanket.

Beth could sense my nervousness. I could tell as she gave me a knowing look and kissed the corner of my mouth before peeling back the sheet covering my legs. I'm not exactly sure what I was expecting to see, but in some weird way I was relieved to see the cast covering my left leg that extended from my foot to crotch.

"Oh," I was surprised by the lack of a mangled limb.

"What are you thinking?" Beth asked wary.

"It's…it's not what I expected." I mumbled as I looked over to my right leg and saw the same faded bruising covering the skin like the skin that covered my right arm.

"What were you expecting?" Beth slowly sat on the edge of the bed and let her hand rest on the cast covering my thigh.

"You said I almost lost it. I guess I was expecting blood and bones sticking out or something like that."

"It looked like that when you were brought in. I didn't think there was anything to put together, but the doctors were amazing. You're amazing too."

I didn't feel deserving of her praise. I'd run off half-cocked that night when I knew better than to be that way. I knew from the past that it was better to let calmer minds lead, but losing my brother would prove to be my undoing.

I smiled tightly as my gut clenched itself in knots, and I couldn't help but think of my little brothers.

"I have a lot to live up to." I choked, thinking of Pony especially, and his never ending ability to fight the odds. I wondered if I measured up.

"I don't know about that, sweetheart, but I think I now know where he gets all that strength from." Beth whispered before pressing her lips gently against mine; reading my mind like an open book.

* * *

"Darrel?"

I looked up from the sad breakfast tray that was set in front of me, and was happy for the distraction. The night alone with the new knowledge that I'd been laying there for a couple of months in that hospital bed had left me with so many unanswered questions; namely where my brothers were.

I could tell that Beth was stressed, and I hadn't wanted to put her through more, but I needed to know if Soda's remains had made it home, and if Ponyboy was okay.

My mind was muddled with worry about details I couldn't help but be at the mercy of. I had no control over the details of Soda's burial even though I gave him my promise that I'd have him next to our parents instead of in that military section, where one more soul buried was as lost and generic as the next. And as I picked at my eggs pointlessly, another gnawing feeling took over. I had no idea where Ponyboy was or how he was coping.

I was startled out of my worry as a tall black man stood at the door and called my name. He was wearing a blue jumper of sorts which told me he worked at the hospital, but I wasn't sure at what capacity.

"Darry," I answered with my usual correction; never getting used to being called my father's name.

"Hey, Darry. It's great to finally meet you. My name's Bradley."

Bradley approached me with a friendly smile and his left hand extended for me to shake.

"Hi," I answered quietly, feeling the weakness of my right hand in the strength of his grip.

"I didn't mean to interrupt breakfast…"

"No, no," I looked at my tray with disinterest. "You're doin' me a favour."

Bradley's laugh was boisterous, and I felt my mouth pull up into a grin.

"I'm here to work with you to get you back home. We won't start until this afternoon, but I wanted to introduce myself. They're telling me you're finally well enough. You were pretty sick."

"I guess so. I don't remember much." I shrugged.

"Well, be thankful. I saw your x-rays, Darry. You're one lucky son-of-a-bitch."

I nodded self consciously. I didn't feel lucky. I felt stupid and careless and wondered in the back of my head what it was going to cost me this time around.

"You alright, Darrel?" Bradley looked concerned.

"Darry," I said as if on cue. "Please. It's Darry. People call me Darrel, and I'm lookin' around corners for my dad."

"Darry." Bradley corrected with a grin. "You know, you've been through a lot, but I promise you it'll be okay. I'll take good care of you."

I nodded unsure as Beth came into the room timidly, and my heart was in my throat as she came in holding a cardboard packing box. I could feel the tremble start; my eyes already stinging with the anticipation of the inevitable.

"Uhhh," Bradley looked between Beth and I, and it must've been obvious even to a complete outsider. "I'll be back after lunchtime, Darry. I know the food is crap, but do what you can. You'll need your strength, okay?"

I nodded, keeping my eyes fixed on the box. I didn't speak; I wasn't even sure that I could.

"Alright. M'am." Bradley nodded to Beth before he left the room, and we sat in silence for awhile.

"When did he come home?" My voice cracked as I broke the awkward silence.

"A couple of weeks ago, baby." Beth's voice was almost a whisper, and I nodded and kept nodding so that I wouldn't break down.

"Any word from Steve?" I managed to choke out, knowing that Soda's death would hit him as hard as any of us.

I wondered foolishly if he'd been at Soda's side; if he'd been there to hold him during his last breath. The image should've made me feel some sort of peace, but I only felt a bitter jealousy deep down inside that I wasn't the one to be there for Soda in his last moments. _I_ was his big brother. That was _my_ job. I knew I was being petty and stupid, but it didn't matter. It didn't make any difference.

"Nobody's heard from him." Beth's voice started shaking as her eyes became wet, and she bit her bottom lip. "There was a letter sent, but it wasn't from him. It doesn't look official." She placed the box beside my legs and rummage through her purse before handing me an envelope.

I didn't recognize the name of the sender on the return address, and set it beside my uneaten tray on the table before pushing it away. I couldn't take my eyes off the box, and I looked warily at Beth from a sideways glance, wondering if she was really going to do this with me.

"I'm so sorry, Darry. I haven't been here for you." The tears were silent as they rolled down her face.

"That's not true," I said knowing she'd been at my side night and day while I was broken and in a mess.

"Not this way, though. You needed me, and I just wasn't ready to go there with you until I knew you were going to come out of this. I didn't know if you could handle it."

I could only nod. I knew how hard it was to stand by someone you love and not know if they were going to live or die or even come out on the other side as the same person. I knew the love and the sacrifice it took, and I loved Beth even more knowing how deep her devotion was to me and my brothers.

"It took some influence, but he's with your mom and dad. I don't know about the marker. It was already arranged, I'm sorry. I'm sure it was Tim but he hasn't been around to ask or thank or…" her voice caught as more tears fell.

My throat felt tight as the warm drops from my own eyes descended, and I motioned to the box with my right hand. Beth sniffed as she gave a quick nod, and moved the box onto my lap.

His belongings were few. A neat stack of letters wrapped in ribbon from Sandy along with a lock of blonde hair. I looked at Beth feeling like I'd just encroached on something private, and as usual Beth knew what to do, tucking the tidy package in her purse.

"I'll get these to her."

I nodded as I looked back into the box. Drawings Pony had sent and they could've been photographs; the detail and accuracy eerie. They were smudged and worn, and I could tell that Soda had handled them often; the paper creased and soft. They were treasured, and I saw through Soda's eyes what he saw—our little brother had a tremendous gift that needed and deserved to be nurtured.

As I flipped through the drawings, my heart clenched tighter and my eyes stung a little more from tears I was trying to hold onto. There was a drawing of every one of us, even Steve, and I could imagine the joy it brought Soda on the other side of the world.

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath as I let my head fall and rest against the pillow. I took a moment to settle; feeling as Beth gently took the drawings from my hand to place them aside before taking my hand in hers.

"Are you okay?" Her voice was so soft as she gave my hand a squeeze.

I nodded as I counted to twenty in my mind, not really knowing what the right answer was to her question. I wanted a distraction, but I knew it would only delay what needed to be done.

I lifted my head and opened my eyes; looking at the drawings that she set on the bed by my feet. Part of me wanted to look at them again; to touch what both of my brothers had touched, but the envelope beside my uneaten breakfast caught my eye, and I reached over to carefully open it.

_Dear Darrel & Ponyboy Curtis,_

_My name is Francis Hicks. _

_You don't know me, but I was in the same platoon serving with your brother Soda. I feel like I know you two from the way he would always talk about you both. He was so proud to be your brother. There wasn't a day he didn't share some story of home, show off his letters and drawings, and tell us all how much you both meant to him, so I guess that's why I'm writing you this letter. I wish I didn't have to._

_By now you know that Soda was killed in action. They sent us into the valley about a mile and a half in Cambodia into a battalion perimeter. We were sent as bait to lure out the VC, but what they didn't realize was it was the entire 141st NVA regiment that would find us. We were surrounded and came under heavy fire. We lost a lot of men that night with countless wounded, me being but one. I wanted you to know what a hero your brother was, and how many lives he saved including mine. When one of the boys got hurt, it didn't matter what was going on around him, he was at their side to pull them through. He had a way about him that made us all feel safe—that he had our backs even against the odds. I didn't see Soda go down, but my Sergeant said it was while he was saving one of the guys. I want you to know that it was very sudden, and he didn't feel anything._

_It's very difficult to write you about this, but I had to because of how much Soda loved you, and how much we all loved Soda. He was friends with everyone right from the get go. He used to read the comic pages to us and make funny voices for all of the characters. After awhile it would have us all in stitches. When we were out on an all-night patrol, and he knew one or all of us were scared, he'd start talking in one of those voices and it would lift our spirits. It was like the first ray of sunshine after a week of nothing but rain, and so we all started calling him Sunshine._

_Sunshine had a very special gift, and I think it's one of the greatest gifts that anyone could ever have. It didn't matter if you were a grunt, or at the top of the totem pole, Sunshine never turned his back on, or spoke a bad word about anyone. He made us all feel like a brother, and I will never forget him for as long as I live._

_I know how terrible this must be for you, but I want you to know you have my deepest sympathies._

_In all sincerity,_

_Cpl Francis Hicks_

_Bravo Company_

I hadn't realized I'd read it out loud until I heard Beth take a deep, shuddering breath before wiping at her eyes hastily. The words from Francis weren't a surprise. I knew how special Sodapop was. I knew he had a way about him that lured in people from all walks of life. He understood people. He made time to understand people. It didn't matter who you were.

His words reiterated the cold sadness I felt deep in my bones. The warmth the sun once held, was gone along with my brother. So many lives touched, and forever changed by his presence and now his passing and we'd all have to figure a way to make it through.

"Okay?" Beth checked in with me to see if I was able to keep going.

I was touched by the letter, and the fact that it was from a total stranger. I nodded with a little more courage, but it all died when I reached in and pulled out my brother's dog tags.

CURTIS

S.P.

US

B POS

PROTESTANT

I clutched them to my chest as my cry filled the spaces in that hospital room and I lost all composure like I lost my little brother. Beth surrounded me; her arms soft but strong as I cried for everything I lost and couldn't change. Soda was now gone; there was no pretending or putting off the truth. His remains next to my parents; his name branding my skin on my hand and all I could do was hold on to his precious name tighter. The only thing I had left of him.


	19. Chapter 19

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

"Darry? Where are you?" I heard Beth call from the doorway of the room.

"In here." I mumbled, staring at my gaunt reflection in the bathroom mirror.

"Are you able to make it back yourself, or do you want me to stick around?" Bradley asked from behind me.

Bradley was the physical therapist who'd been working with me for countless weeks so that I could reach a place where I could at least go home, if not get back to the normal day-to-day routines. I was thankful for all the effort he put into his job. He was dedicated and well liked by everyone, especially the nursing staff, most likely due to his outgoing personality, and the fact that he knew his shit, much like Eric and Greg had.

It had been an arduous process with hours and hours spent working on getting me up on my feet, but in that process, I felt like I was a stranger to myself. Everything had changed. I felt like a man that was handed an entirely new life with the old one being snatched away while I was face down on the ground, trying to recover.

I'd never been stuck depending on anyone since I was a child, and now it felt like I wasn't in control of anything. I was told when to eat, when to sleep. I was told when to get up and wash up and what time I'd be working on getting better. Hell, they even told me when I could or should use the bathroom. It just wasn't me. I'd always been strong—physically and mentally, but in the midst of losing control of my own body, once again life showed its cruel hand.

"Maybe stay," I looked at Bradley through the reflection in the mirror and felt the gentle pat on my back as he gave me a frown.

"You'll be okay, you know. This is what you've been working so hard for."

I nodded, but I knew the truth. I'd done what was necessary to recover from the physical damage caused by my own rash stupidity, but I'd only done the bare minimum. The truth was, I didn't care anymore. I didn't know that there was anything left for me in this new life without anything familiar. No friends. No family. I hadn't worked hard on anything except longing and yearning for time to wind itself backwards to a place where we were all together; safe and happy.

I could recover physically, but there was no healing what was broken inside.

"You want to get rid of that thing? You've been staring at it for twenty minutes, man." Bradley chuckled at me as I stared at my beard in the mirror.

Another reminder that I was now a stranger. I didn't know who the guy was staring back at me. Twenty pounds lighter, with dead eyes and long hair and a beard that would've certainly scared the shit out of my own mother let alone a little brother. But none of it mattered now. It was all gone, and I was left with this life. A different body and a different face, and a heart that just didn't care anymore. I should've died that night. There was nothing left.

"Hey, how are we doing in here? We ready?"

Beth stuck her head through the door to check in, and my heart clenched. Her smile was still beautiful, but her eyes wore the guilt she had no business feeling. She'd been my anchor the last few months while my world had been thrown upside down and turned inside out, and she'd deserved so much better than what I was able to give. She deserved more than to blame herself for what had happened.

"Was just asking Superman if he was going to keep with the free love look, or if he was going to get rid of that thing."

"Yeah?" Beth smiled at me through the mirror before wrapping her arms around me from behind. "Did you decide?"

I tried to match the softness in her eyes, but I couldn't.

"I guess it don't much matter. I don't have to worry 'bout scaring anyone anymore. If you like it, I can keep it." I shrugged.

Her smile turned strained as she unravelled her arms from around me and left me with Bradley in the cramped hospital bathroom.

"I found a wheelchair at the entrance. Are we walking out, or do you need a lift?" I could hear her call out from the doorway.

I looked at Bradley for instruction as he handed me my crutches.

"He'll have plenty of time to walk. We'll use the chair. Safety first. You ready?"

Was I ready? Was I ready to live a life as unfamiliar as the new scars on my body? Was I ready to re-enter a world without the warmth of Sodapop, or the hope and will to continue of Ponyboy? Was there any way to see the brighter side of things without the hackling of Two-Bit, or the ability to say, "screw it" and keep going anyways like Steve? Was I ready? No, I wasn't, but like everything else in my life I had no choice.

They told me it was depression. Most likely triggered by the trauma from the accident, but I could only roll my eyes. I could handle an accident. I could handle a surgery; pins and plates and screws holding my left leg together. I could even handle life without a damned leg; I could do it and not have it slow me down. But I felt like an orphan now; alone and belonging nowhere. I could handle everything that life had to throw at me except for one thing:

I couldn't handle losing both of my brothers.

It was silent except for the empty clatter of Sodapop's dog tags hanging around my neck as I slowly made my way to the wheelchair. I eased my way down to sit while Beth steadied the chair for me from behind, and I nodded knowing that once I left the four secure walls of the hospital, I was on my own. For the first time in my life, I was alone.

I knew that I wouldn't be able to wallow. Life didn't stop with the death of my parents, and it sure as fuck wasn't going to stop because I'd lost the rest of my family. I'd have to let it go and find a way to stand on my own two feet again, but my insides had no desire. I may as well have died in the jungles of Vietnam or died in dad's old Ford when that train drove through me. I felt dead inside, but I knew at some point, I'd have to move on.

Bradley took over steering the wheelchair while Beth clutched onto the two bags of things I'd acquired while laying in a hospital bed for the better part of a few months. I tried to follow the light conversation of Bradley and Beth, but I couldn't seem to focus; my mind drifting off to things of the past when even in the dark, I knew I would be alright. Now I didn't know anything.

I closed my eyes as we made our way outside in front of the doors of the hospital. The fresh air should've made me feel better, but it only reminded me of things lost. I felt Beth squeeze my shoulder, and I managed to grab gently for her hand and squeeze her back in acknowledgement. She'd been everything to me while I was recuperating, and I didn't mean to push her away even though I could feel myself doing that very same thing.

"I see a cab," Bradley announced as he engaged the brakes on the wheelchair before waving his hand.

"Here we are! Next stop, home!" Beth tried to look enthusiastic, but her eyes betrayed her. They were as dead as mine.

"You take care of our man, Beth! And yourself!"

Bradley hugged Beth before opening the door for her to let her into the back seat of the taxi. He spoke to her lowly, maybe something that he didn't want me to hear before turning back to me with a smile.

"Alright, Superman. Let's get you the hell out of here!"

"I don't know what to do." I was suddenly paralyzed with fear.

"Sure, you do; we've worked on this. I'll hold onto your crutches. Use the arm rest to push yourself up standing, and I'll hand you your walking sticks."

"That's not what I mean." I felt the heat spill over from my eyes and wiped at the tears impatiently.

Bradley kneeled in front of me, placing a hand on my knee and looked at me. "I know, Darry."

"I'm scared. I'm scared to go home and face it." I looked at him desperately; wishing he could fix everything that was broken, but I knew that he couldn't.

"But you have to, Darry. You have to. That's the shitty part of my job. Some wounds—the deepest ones I can't help heal. You have to let yourself feel it, Darry. You'll never get past this unless you let yourself feel it. And I'm here, Darry. I'm here, and you can call on me anytime. I swear, Darry. I'm not your brother, but I'd like to think I'm your friend."

I nodded as I mustered as much courage as I could to push myself up from the wheelchair and stand on my feet. Bradley nodded back with a smile before pulling me into a hug. I clenched my eyes as I swallowed hard and then slowly pulled away from him.

* * *

Beth stood holding the front door open for me as I made my way up the steps to the porch slowly, trying to remember the rules for ascending stairs that Bradley had spent hours going over with me before I'd finally put the rules into practice. It didn't hurt much anymore now that weeks had been between me and the accident, but my body was tired from the lack of a decent meal and the usual physical exertion I was normally used to daily with work and the day to day tasks of keeping a home running.

That home was eerily familiar, but the emptiness was consuming as I made my way through the doorway. Unlike when Pony had been in the hospital, there was nobody around to make sure it was kept in order. It was exactly how I'd left it—dirty laundry and dishes and all, as I walked through the living room into the opening of the kitchen. I eyed the old tire swing in the back yard, and every single failure bubbled up to the surface and looked back at me.

"Why don't you get settled in, and I'll tidy up a bit?" Beth's voice was light as I heard her place the two bags of my belongings onto the kitchen table.

"Don't bother. Go home and get some rest."

It was silent.

"You'll never forgive me, will you?" I heard the crack in her voice, and I turned around to look at her.

"What?"

"It's my fault Pony's gone."

"None of this is your fault, Beth. You don't know the State like I do—you've never had to deal with them."

"That's not exactly true…"

"Not from this side, is what I meant." I interrupted, feeling sick that Beth thought I'd blamed her for the State poking around while I was in the hospital, and snatching Ponyboy right out from underneath me. "This is just how it is when you grow up on the wrong side of the tracks."

"I feel responsible." Beth cried, but I shook my head to squash that idea to nothing.

"If anyone's to blame, it's me. I'm the reason he got sent to a foster home to begin with. I'm the reason he wound up with a monster that almost killed him. Soda left because of me, and if I hadn'ta run off half cocked that night I woulda been fine and Pony'd be home with me right now, wouldn't he? You're not to blame, Beth and I sure as hell don't blame you for any of this. You were only taking care of me."

"Darry…" Beth started, but I just couldn't go there with her right then.

"Beth, I just…I just need some time. I need some time alone to think about what I need to do here."

"We can start making calls. We'll find out where he is and…"

"Beth, I need to be alone right now."

I didn't think I was trying to push her away just then, but I realized that's how it seemed when she cried harder.

"Just for a couple of days," I added while my crutches and me made our way over to her, and I wrapped her in my arms. "I just need to figure out how to keep on keepin' on. I need to think, and I need to break down and maybe break a few things while I'm at it and I can't do that with you here keeping me sane."

Beth nodded reluctantly while taking a step back as she wiped away tears. "Are you going to drink?"

The question stung, but it was no less than what I deserved. It was no less than fair after what I'd put her and everyone else through in my quest to numb the pain, but the pain I was in now was permanent. I didn't think there'd be a remedy unless there was some way to bring souls back from the dead.

"I dunno." I wanted to be honest. "If I thought it'd help maybe, but I've been down that road before. It just makes things worse, don't it?"

Beth nodded sadly and pulled me into her so that we stood there holding each other. In our hug I realized that Beth had been where I was. She'd lost everyone—her own little brother was taken from her while his body was ravaged by cancer. She knew what I was going through more than I did, and it made me feel ashamed.

"Tell me it gets better. Tell me I'm gonna forget; that this feeling is gonna go away and I'll be a whole person again. Tell me I'm gonna get through this."

"I wish that I could," Beth choked out a sob. "I wish that I could more than anything. I want to tell you that time will heal it all, but it doesn't, baby. The hardest part isn't saying goodbye to Sodapop; the hardest part is learning to live without him."

I clutched Beth even tighter to me, realizing that I really wasn't completely alone. She was there like she always had been for the last couple of years.

"It won't ever end Darry, but it'll change and I'm here. I'm right here when you're ready."

"I love you." I whispered as I shoved my face into her neck.

"I love you, too. We'll do this together, okay?"

I nodded fiercely and was thankful that there was still someone I loved next to me, and in that realization I found that I didn't want to be alone after all. I didn't know what life would hold for me. I didn't know who I'd be after all of this, but I knew Beth would be there with me.

"Stay," I whispered.

"What about breaking down and breaking shit?" Beth looked up at me uncertain.

"It'll feel better knowing there's a soft place to fall after. You can break some shit too, if you want?" I tried to smile but it was too soon and I wasn't there yet.

"I'm here, Darry. I'm here."


	20. Chapter 20

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

My leg gave a painful pull as I struggled to catch my breath; jolting up from another restless sleep. I could hear Pony calling for me. He was alone in the room he once shared with the brother he adored, and I'd left him there by himself with his heartbreak and his seizures and the horrific memories of what had happened to him because I just hadn't been there for him. Those things would always shadow him, and I'd left him alone once again to fend for himself.

I frantically rolled my way out of the bed, untangling myself free from the covers that had webbed around my limbs while I'd been tossing and turning. I couldn't help the gasp as I reached aimlessly into the darkness and made contact with my crutches that leaned against the bedside table, and I struggled to hurry in the blackness of the night so I could make it to my brother. My jaw clenched like a vice to fight off the burning and ache from my leg as I fought my way down the hall, but when I'd finally got passed the door to his bedroom, there was nothing there but emptiness. Emptiness was a feeling I was becoming extremely familiar with, and I'd like to say that it was getting easier, but that isn't how it always works; it isn't how it ever works where I come from.

"Darry? Baby, what's going on?"

The light felt blinding as Beth switched it on, and suddenly there was a hand rubbing against the skin on my back that was as gentle as her voice. Beth was there behind me—in a way it felt like she'd always been there, even before I knew her. She was there that first night when Pony was barely alive. She was there; a part of his healing, even to the point of showing a big brother the ropes of _being_ a big brother. And now, her presence in my life had managed to fill a gaping hole in my heart as she stood beside me to take as much of the weight of my sadness as she could.

"I thought I heard him call me. I swear to God I heard him. I _heard _him." I choked.

"We're going to find him, Darry. We're gonna get him home, you can't give up hope." Beth encouraged like she had since the day she told me Pony had gone missing, but I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

"What if we don't?" I asked, knowing it's what was probable.

"You can't think like that, Darry. We're going to find him and bring him home. It's going to be okay." She tried to reassure, but I was still neck-deep in my guilt and despair.

"What have I done?" I sobbed, and all Beth could do was hold onto me.

It'd been five long weeks since I'd come home, and in that time, Beth had all but moved in. Taking what savings she had, she took time off from her job to stay with me; supporting me in more ways than one to make sure I didn't self destruct. She was also on a mission to track down my baby brother, and while there were days I couldn't even get out of my bed to face the world, the girl of my dreams was on the phone incessantly with the State of Oklahoma to find out what they did with Ponyboy.

Every phone call was a dead end. No one even knew what she was talking about.

And so, days passed, and Beth's words continued to haunt me with their truth. Saying goodbye had been difficult, but learning to live without both Soda _and _Ponyboy was killing me inside. The pain it left me in was consuming—in my heart and in my bones.

"Shhhh…it's going to work out. I feel it." Beth squeezed me as she continued to have faith when I couldn't.

"What happens if we find him and he wants nothing to do with me?" I sniffed, counting the number of times in my head that I promised my baby brother I'd never leave him, and counting the number of times my words would end up meaning nothing.

"Darry, you can't possibly believe that." Beth looked at me incredulously; shaking her head at my words.

I rubbed at my face frantically in vain; trying to forget all of the broken promises I'd made to Pony. How many times had I told him that everything would be okay? How many times had I promised him that nobody would ever hurt him? I'd promised him a happy ever after when I had no right.

"Look at me, Darry." Beth's hand cupped my face, but I could only bow my head.

"Look at me!" Her voice took on a commanding tone, and I let my eyes meet hers.

"Are you that blind, that you can't see how much you mean to him?" She looked at me sternly, and I couldn't think of anything to say.

"That boy adores you. Any fool with two eyes can see that, why can't you?"

I shook my head, shrugging. "It's always been him and Sodapop. Since he was born those two were always glued to each other. When those soldiers came to the house…he blames me, Beth. It's my fault. It was my job to keep Soda safe. It was my job to make sure they were both safe."

"Baby, the only person blaming you for what happened to Sodapop, is you. Soda made his choice. I'm sorry it's so hard, but it's true. For whatever reason, Soda felt he had to go fight in that god awful war. And Ponyboy was in shock, Darry—we all were. He just wanted to know you were still going to be strong enough to help him get through this."

"I dunno if I can. I don't even think I can get myself through this most days. I ain't Soda, Beth. Pony and Soda had this…" I paused trying to explain the bond they shared, but words came up short. "…thing. I don't know if I'm gonna be enough."

"Well, from what I've seen, you and Pony have a _thing _too, especially this past year, if not longer."

"I just…"

"I've seen you boys—I've been watching. All three of you are like peas in a pod. Darry…" Beth paused to heave a sigh. "What would Sodapop tell you right now?"

"What?"

"If Soda were here right now to have this conversation with you, what would he tell you?"

My brother's face drifted to the forefront of my mind and I could feel a smile pull at the corner of my mouth. I could see those soft eyes of his sparkle, and the way he'd wrinkle his nose when he was feeling playful or when he giggled. There was that nagging ache that pulled at my chest relentlessly, while at the same time there was another part of me that wanted to punch him in his perfect teeth for dying on me.

"He'd tell me I was being an asshole." I laughed a full laugh that turned suddenly into a sob.

"Well, I won't do that…yet," Beth grinned. "But Soda saw it too and he wanted _you_ to see it. We're going to get Ponyboy home, and you'll finally see. You'll see, Darry."

* * *

"Hey, how did it go?" I turned my head to give Beth a kiss as my hands rummaged through the sink while I washed the last of the dishes.

After weeks of Beth being glued to my side, she finally returned to work. It was time even though I still felt like a wreck most days, but it was time for the both of us. She had a life and a job and people besides me that needed her. And I needed the time and space it took to pull my head out of my ass and try to get my own life in order.

It was well after supper; a routine I was getting used to with the long work hours Beth kept. It felt a little odd at first. I was used to being the one to pay the bills and put food on the table and take care of everyone, but I was a different man now and not physically or emotionally ready to re-join the world, and so Beth stepped up again. Whenever I raised a fuss, I got a lecture about being a chauvinist, and how she wouldn't put up with it from me because a woman could support a family as good as any man. I was traditional and wasn't sure I was in agreement one hundred percent, but I certainly didn't have it in my heart to insult her more than I already had. Instead, I swallowed my pride and helped her by making sure there was supper on the table when she came home.

"He's gone, Darry."

I looked at Beth worriedly as I noticed her face pale and she looked to be in shock.

"What? Who's gone? Hey, sit down doll. What's goin' on?" I dried my hands off onto my sweat pants, and held onto Beth's arm with my hand while I grabbed a crutch and shoved it under my other arm so I could walk her over to the kitchen table and have her take a chair.

"Greg, Darry. They let him go."

"Whadaya mean?" My heart sank, and a my stomach felt like ice while I hoped I'd misheard what she'd said.

"The hospital. They fired him."

"_Fired him_? What the hell are you talking about?"

If what Beth was saying was true, then the hospital had fired one of the most amazing people I'd ever met, and that was _before_ we'd practically adopted him into our family. My brothers and what was left of our gang—Two-Bit, Steve, even Tim Shepard with his crooked opinions, respected Greg. There was no denying his goodness and his greatness.

I looked at Beth in confusion. "That doesn't even make sense! He's the best doctor they have! _Why_? Why on earth would they do that?"

"I don't know. Everyone was tight-lipped about the whole thing; like something went down but no one would say what." Beth was almost in tears, and I felt like my own eyes were about to start watering. "I don't understand, Darry. Something bad must've happened for them to fire him, but it doesn't make sense. Greg is the best intensivist we have."

Beth was visibly distraught, and I felt myself getting swept up in it as well. Something seemed very wrong about the situation, and I felt scared for my friend. I could remember pieces of him talking to me when they'd brought me in from that car wreck, and even though he wasn't my doctor I felt safer knowing he was there.

"When did they let him go?"

"About three weeks ago now. I just…I don't get it. I can't see him doing anything at all that would get himself in trouble let alone fired." Beth's hands slapped her lap in resignation.

Greg wouldn't do anything to get into trouble, except steal diapers, feeding tubes and special formula and give them to a family that couldn't afford to pay for them otherwise. He'd never do anything to get into trouble except arrange an early discharge for a patient into the care of his older brother when that patient was still in the State's custody. A thought and a feeling washed over me.

"He didn't come see me after I was first brought in, did he?"

"No, everything was so chaotic. You were in and out of surgery. It was…"

"I mean…Beth," a strange, uneasy, yet somewhat grounding thought took over. "Eric told me Greg was looking after Pony for me. Do you think maybe…?"

"What?" Beth looked over at me

"Eric told me not to worry about Pony. He said…" I could hear Eric's voice as if I were still in that hospital room. "…he said that Greg would never let anything bad happen to him; almost like he was watchin' over him since I was laid up."

"What are you saying, Darry?"

"Do you think Greg took him?"

Beth looked at me like I were off my rocker, but then her eyes shifted and I could tell she realized the idea wasn't as far fetched as she might of first thought.

"Wait," she shook her head and grabbed for my hand to pull me down into the chair that was next to hers. "_If_ Greg took him home, why wouldn't he bring him back when you were well again?" the colour drained from her face again.

"What is it?" I squeezed her hand.

"You were so sick. I don't…. I don't know, Darry. I was so worried about you that I didn't pay attention to anything else. Maybe he doesn't know that you're alright."

"Do you know where he lives?"

"Not exactly, but I know someone who does. Oh my god, Darry."

I smiled; hopeful for the first time in months. It just made sense. Greg had gone beyond what was necessary time and time again for my family. It just made sense that he would shelter Pony and take care of him if he thought that I wasn't able to. Greg became family the moment we met and he dedicated himself to saving my brother's life, and after everything, he was still doing it.


	21. Chapter 21

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

As usual, this bit started one way, and ended up a completely different way, but fear not! Things will turn around soon enough.

Thank you to everyone for reading my drabble. I hope that you are all safe and healthy during the COVID 19 crisis. Stay safe 3

* * *

I was once told that the ocean has no memory. Maybe it's because there's no beginning to it, and it has no end. I didn't understand it at the time, and I figure that still holds true, but it was all that I could think about as I looked out at the water and felt the warm waves roll in and over my bare feet. I kept waiting for the memories to end as I stood there, but memories were all that I had left.

It was still so easy for me to get lost in the past; a past that I couldn't let go of. The sound of gulls calling, and water crashing onto the sand beneath my feet was bittersweet. There weren't many things I'd seen in my life that could take my breath away like looking out at the ocean. There was nothing that beautiful in Tulsa that I could remember; nothing as peaceful or calming. But with that calm came loneliness, and even as I felt my bride take my hand and bring it up to her lips to place a comforting kiss on my knuckles, the ache wouldn't subside. I wasn't the ocean. I tried again, but the memories came crashing over me like those waves onto the beach.

"I wish they were here to see this." My voice barely left my mouth and I wanted to take it back, but as usual there was no judgement from her.

"I know." She nodded before looking out to where my gaze had landed, and together we watched the sun melt into the Pacific.

"How are you doing?"

I shrugged and tried my damndest to give her a real smile. I owed her that much. She was my everything now that my family was gone, and I was happy—I _really_ was—but along with the happiness came the guilt. Guilt for not doing enough. Guilt for not being enough. Guilt for not being able to find my baby brother. Guilt for giving up. Guilt for being the one to survive throughout everything life had thrown at us; being the one to live a life instead of Sodapop, who'd been more worthy. His love and his light were as bright as the sun and deserved to still be shining. I was still alive and going forward in my life, and I felt the guilt of it.

"I'm happy," I tried to sound convincing, because part of me finally _was_ happy. I'd finally made an honest woman out of my best friend in life.

"But?" She asked, knowing me so goddamned well.

The low sun made her copper hair look almost alive and on fire while she stood on that beach with me; clutching my hand in both of hers. Our week in Mexico brought us closer than ever, even before we'd spent the morning promising to stand next to one another _for as long as we both shall love_. And I'd felt the butterflies of joy and wonder as I looked at the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen, and lost count of the freckles that sprinkled across the bridge of her nose and the apples of her cheeks realizing that she was mine and I was hers.

And I was happy.

And I was guilty.

Because I should've told her that she was everything I'd ever need and want out of life, but I couldn't. I should've felt complete knowing she was now my wife; that nothing else in the world mattered except the life we were going to have together—just her and I.

But I didn't.

I couldn't.

Because he was still out there somewhere, along with Greg. He was safe from harm, but he wasn't where he belonged. He wasn't where he was meant to be; where I'd promised him I'd keep him until he didn't need his big brother hovering anymore. And as long as he was out there, I would never really be me. I would never be complete.

I looked at Beth and bit down on my bottom lip; trying to hide my shame, but she knew and she made it better.

"I'm sorry, doll. I'm happy today, I really am it's just…"

"Shhh…it's okay, baby. It's going to be okay. I know it's so hard without them here, but I swear we'll find Ponyboy, and we're going to make a home where he's safe and loved and supported. I don't care what it takes, Darry. We'll get him home with us where he belongs."

"I hope you know how much I love you." I choked as I let a few tears pass. "I never want you to not know what you mean to me. I love you, Beth."

Beth beamed as she took a deep breath and wrapped her arms around me, and I couldn't help but do the same. I was a different man than I had been before I'd met her. I'd been hard and closed off, but because of her along with my two brothers, I wasn't afraid to feel the difficult things.

But part of me still felt alone.

* * *

The knock on the door was an unwanted reminder of how much my life had changed. The days of having the boys running in and out of the house and having to listen to that screen door constantly slam shut behind them was just a fond memory now, as were many things.

I finished washing my hands at the kitchen sink before reaching for my crutches and heading towards the door. He looked uncomfortable, although he'd been in the neighbourhood once or twice before, and I wondered if it was about that professional boundary that had him looking skittish rather than the fact that the neighbourhood was one big hole.

After Greg had all but been run out of town for going beyond the call of his profession, I was surprised to find Eric at my doorstep, but I couldn't help but smile at my Cherokee friend. He wasn't one of the boys I'd grown up with; but his loyalty and friendship were treasured just the same.

"Well, whatcha sellin' today? Vacuums?" I couldn't stop the smile on my face as I leaned heavy on my left crutch while trying to open the door.

Eric grinned back at me taking notice of my predicament, and took over the door situation, letting himself in. I backed up, still smiling like an idiot as Eric entered the house. I was ready to offer him my hand to shake, when he grabbed me into a bear hug.

"Diganeli," he squeezed as he called me his brother like he'd done since the first day I'd met him.

"Brother," I answered back before we let go and stood face to face. "What brings you here? Come! Come in and sit. Can I get you anything?"

I led Eric into the living room and watched absently as he sat down on the couch.

"No, Darry. Don't go to any trouble. I was just thinking about you after seeing Beth at work this morning. How's married life?"

"It suits me just fine." I smiled as I thought about how happy I was to be with Beth despite the fact that a huge part of me felt lost and forgotten.

The year had been trying on the both of us, but we realized we were stronger together. There was no one person carrying the weight of the other; we carried each other and when it was too much for me, Beth took over. When it was too much for her, I tried to do the same. If it weren't for her, I knew I wouldn't have survived.

"Beth is glowing. You two fit well. Any kids in the works?"

"No? Yes? I'm just lucky to have her. With everything…to have her stand by me. We're enough right now."

Eric nodded as he looked me up and down curiously.

"Still using the crutches? I figured you would've burned them in the back yard by now."

"It still hurts."

"Why haven't you asked for help?" Eric looked like a disappointed parent scolding his child.

"I'm fine. I'll figure it out. I just…" I shrugged not knowing what to say.

"Bradley. He's a great resource, diganeli. If you need help, he's there."

Which is how I wound up at the hospital that afternoon; wandering those Godforsaken hallways like I was in some sort of nightmare. Returning to the hidden service elevators until I was following Eric down the long corridor to where there looked to be several offices. However, when Eric opened one of the doors, it was like déjà-vu all over again.

"You made it! Great to see you!"

Bradley beamed as he approached me, and I suddenly felt cornered between him standing in front of me, and Eric standing behind me while blocking the door. It was like they sensed it, and the aura seemed to change as Bradley stepped back a bit.

"Darry, I wanted to see how you were progressing at home. I was kind of hoping you would've stopped by to see me before now."

"No sense in bothering you." I shrugged. "You done all you could. You're busy with people that need you more."

Bradley looked passed me to Eric, before giving me a sad smile.

"I heard your leg hurts pretty good. Why don't you take the bench? I'll have a look at it."

I looked at him and then at Eric as he was suddenly beside me. I nodded, unsure as I let them both help me walk further into the room and towards the exam table, and I couldn't help but think of Greg and that day I needed him to look over Ponyboy; but like the perceptive doctor that he was, he decided to check me out first.

Bradley took my crutches from me while Eric had a hold of my arm and helped me step on a foot stool before I could move myself to sit on the table.

"Why don't you lay down?" Bradley suggested as he placed a pillow to my left and patted it as if I were in the market to buy it.

I shrugged wearily as he helped me to lay down, and I let a deep breath go that I didn't even know I was holding.

"You should be using a cane by now." Bradley commented as he felt along my left leg; gauging my expressions while he prodded.

"Still hurts," I grunted as he felt along my thigh; pushing along the scar.

"You doing the exercises I showed you? You going to the gym like you said you would?"

"Don't exactly have a ride anymore. Can probably still find pieces of that wreck scattered about."

Bradley was quiet while I clammed up; annoyed by his questions. My life had been turned upside down, and all he could ask was if I were exercising. What fucking difference did it make if I _ever _walked without crutches again?

"How do you plan on taking care of a handicapped brother while you're still on crutches?"

"What?" I looked at him incredulously.

"Or if you have a baby. You gonna sit on that ass of yours while your kids are out playing ball? C'mon, Darry. You can do better than this. I heard you were a fighter."

"It hurts! What the hell do you want from me?" I shot up from the table, and the next thing I knew, I was barely on my feet with Bradley holding me up by the armpits, keeping me from landing on my face.

"That's what I want you to see, buddy. _You_ hurt, and you're having a hard time telling the difference between the pain in your heart, and the pain from your accident. We don't wanna see you giving up, man. You're young with your life ahead of you."

"WHAT LIFE? EVERYTHING IS GONE!" I snapped. "I'm a stranger in my own life, for fuck's sake! My family is gone!"

I felt the shame of discounting Beth, but the memories of Sodapop and Ponyboy were like a constant ringing in my ear; driving me to the brink of madness because they weren't with me. There was still no word from either Steve nor Two-Bit, although I didn't expect anything from Keith after the way I'd treated him the night of the accident. They were my family—they were what I knew and were who I was. And with the added absence of Greg to ground me like he always managed to do, I was lost.

"Diganeli,"

Eric placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. He looked sad. He looked disappointed.

"You aren't alone. We're here to help yo…"

"It's not the same!" I cried, frustrated. "I know y'all mean well, but it just ain't the same."

I was suddenly exhausted as I slumped against the exam table and stared at anything but the faces of the two men that were trying to help me.

"He's out there, Darry." Eric leaned into me; the weight of him was comforting. "He's out there and you're giving up on him? That isn't like the man I know and respect. That's not the man I watched sitting at his brother's bedside for months straight willing him to make it through. He's a warrior, Darry. Don't give up now, because if I know one thing, it's that wherever he is, he's still fighting and expecting you to get out there and find him."

I nodded at Eric's words because they always held a deep wisdom and truth from a perspective that was nothing like my own. I knew very little of Eric's past, but the pieces I did know were very similar to the pasts of those living on the east side of Tulsa. He knew what it was like to have your social status cripple any chance you had in getting ahead in life; and his cultural background would do him no favours either. But he'd made it somehow, and was sitting at my left with his arm around me; fighting to keep me on my feet. His words suddenly stirred a memory.

_"You were there; I remember now. You found me then like you did tonight. I knew you'd find me, Darry. I knew you'd find me and take me home. I knew you'd make him go away."_

It was what Ponyboy had said to me after I'd found him in that old machine shop the night Campbell broke in and made to terrorize once again. Of course, that was the last time he'd lay his disgusting hands on my brother before I and Tim Shepard made sure he'd never breathe again.

Ponyboy didn't lose hope and he didn't lose his faith in me. Even while that unimaginable bastard was taking what he wanted; tearing Ponyboy apart piece-by-piece, my brother knew I'd find him and he held on for me until I got there.

"I'm so sorry, Pony!"

I realized I was almost in hysterics, but the years had finally taken their toll, and I'd been beaten down enough to know that not even a drink would ease the heartache inside of me. This river ran too deep.

"Shhhh…Darry," I heard Bradley's voice as Eric held me tighter.

"The cocoon, diganeli. Remember the story my grandfather told? You're the butterfly, brother. You need to be stronger than you ever thought you could be so you can find him."

"I'm so tired!" I wiped at my eyes impatiently, and Bradley nodded at me.

"That's why we're here. Let's get you back on your feet."


	22. Chapter 22

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

xXXXx

"Hey, man. You got any t-hinges? Lookin' for a six inch."

I wiped the dust from my hands onto my jeans and walked the aisle with my cane in hand. It'd been a year since my breakdown, and although I wasn't as steady as I needed to be to be climbing up ladders and balancing on rooftops, I was at least strong enough to land a full-time job at the hardware store that was connected to the lumber yard I once worked at.

Things were slowly turning around for the better as far as my body was concerned. With hours spent either with Eric or Bradley at the gym or at home, I managed to build back some strength. Beth was even more help where my health was concerned as being married to a nurse definitely had certain benefits.

It took time and a lot of hard work, and in the back of my mind I prayed it wouldn't be in vain. I wanted my brother back; wherever life had taken him, it was my job to bring him home. And although it seemed most of my days were consumed with how I was going to follow through with my goal, the ones helping me and standing by me never judged. They were there to help.

Mr. Garver turned out to be one of my allies. When I'd put in enough hours lifting weights and doing enough stretches that I could finally drop the crutches and walk with just one cane, he put in a good word for me and helped me get on at the hardware store. It wasn't as though my previous work had gone unnoticed by Mr. Harris. He'd hired me to work odd hours at the lumber yard back when things had gotten tight while I had my two brothers to worry about. But it was the support that meant a lot, and now that I had a wife, I wanted to make a living and work hard to make a home for her that was worth sharing.

I was lost in my thoughts while I led the customer down the narrow aisle. It wasn't until I turned to inspect the basket that I was pulled out of my daze.

"You need just one?" I asked while I pulled a hinge from the basket.

"Three, actual...Holy! Darry Curtis, is that you?"

I startled a bit as my head whipped to the side and I huffed a laugh. He was still a miniature replica of his big brother, only he never managed to inherit his brother's tough demeanour. He had the same black curly hair, and his eyes were the same shade of blue, but Curly Shepard had a rounder face; a baby face if you will, that Tim I don't think ever had.

"Holy fuck! Look at you! Didn't recognize you with the hair and the beard. You look like one of them hippie types. Tim's gonna shit!"

"How ya doin', kid?" I grinned as I turned back to the basket and grabbed two more hinges out for him.

"Spooked like I'm talkin' to a ghost. Word on the street was you died and the State took Pony to some good-for-nothin' boys home."

My heart stung at the mention of my brother, but I wasn't about to let it show.

"Well, I'm still here. You need screws?" I looked at him sideways as I handed him the hinges he was asking for.

Curly nodded, but was quiet as he followed me around the corner where there were the bins of assorted nails and screws. It was an odd feeling to hear that the neighbourhood thought I was dead, although it could've explained why I hadn't seen or heard from anyone. I wasn't especially close to any members from the local gangs, but I felt Tim and I had a friendship of sorts and it was disheartening to think he thought I was gone.

"There ya go, kid. You need anything else?"

"Nah, Darry. This is good."

"You tell your brother and sister I said hey."

"Angela won't give a shit. She's got a kid with one on the way. Tim's in County. Ya think you could go 'n see him?"

"County? What'd he do this time? I thought he settled down a bit after Dally died?"

It had been the truth aside from his involvement in helping me take care of Martin Campbell. When Dallas got shot down by the cops, Tim seemed less reckless. I knew about or heard about a lot of the illegal shit he was into; namely drugs, but he seemed to settle out after losing Dally.

"He's a draft dodger, Darry. Got his letter almost a year ago. Told the government to go fuck themselves. It was jail or pay the fine, and hell if we got that kinda dough layin' around."

My head felt like it was being squeezed in a vice. Lives everywhere were falling apart and forced to change while I'd been wrapped up in my own bullshit. Things were rough all over it seemed.

I rubbed my forehead and clenched my eyes shut for a moment before looking back at Curly.

"He okay? Does he need anything?"

"Like he'd ever tell anybody if he did." Curly snorted. "A visit from you would probably help."

"He allowed visitors?"

I thought of how I'd landed myself in a world of trouble when I'd started searching for the answer to my problems at the bottom of every bottle I'd drank, and Tim was there for me. And that godforsaken night; the night that still haunted my dreams where my brother laid raped and lifeless in that cold machine shop, Tim was there. And when I was ready to cross the line between protective brother and murderer, Tim let me keep being a protective brother while he took the road of the hoodlum and murderer.

"Yeah, Saturdays are good."

"I'll see him Saturday, then. You let me know if you need anything, okay?"

I thought about all the shit Curly got himself into and subsequently dragging Pony down in the process, and couldn't help but grin. Misguided as he may have been, Curly was an okay kid. I figured he'd end up dead or in jail one day, but I still couldn't help but like him.

"Christ, Darry. I ain't Ponyboy, y'know." Curly laughed. "I can take care of myself."

"Yeah, I know." I grinned. "Just stay outta trouble, would ya?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Curly slapped me on the back playfully. "Ya sound like Tim. Thanks pops!" He chuckled at me while he left me for the front to go pay for his items.

xXXXx

I thought back to the night I had to pick Sodapop up from the police station when he got arrested for doing cartwheels on the damned sidewalk with Two-Bit. I was none too happy about him getting himself in trouble; back then I had social services breathing down my neck every corner I turned, but that was nothing compared to what I walked into on this day.

After being frisked a little too thoroughly, a guard led me to the visiting room, and I was wondering to myself if I'd just made the biggest mistake of my life. In my head it was clear that I didn't belong anywhere near the people incarcerated or visiting, but after a few acknowledging nods, I remembered where I came from and what I looked like.

I sat myself down at an empty table and waited a few—maybe five minutes before a guard let him in. He didn't look any different than the last time I'd seen him; maybe a little leaner, but I figured the mess they served in jail was probably responsible for that. He still looked hard and cold and tough, like someone who'd seen the worst that life could do.

"No fuckin' way!" Tim beamed as the guard led him to the table I was at, and practically pushed him into his seat. "I'd give you a hug but it might give some of these boys the wrong idea. Darry, what the hell?"

In all the years I'd known Tim I'd never seen him smile. If you were fortunate, you could coax a grin from him, but he was stoic and cold, and his own family couldn't even do much to change the expression on his face. You can imagine my surprise when I could see that his teeth were straight and white and gleaming at me.

"Tim," I nodded. "Ran into Curly the other day."

"Goddamn, it's good to see you! Fuckin' assholes said you were dead!"

"So I hear." I grumbled while rubbing my forehead. "What the hell happened, Tim?"

"You tell me, Curtis. One of my boys called to tell me your brother bit it in Nam, and you drove your truck into a goddamn train. Cripes almighty!"

I couldn't seem to speak to that. My brother being taken away was something I still needed to face. I knew he was gone. I wore his dammed dog tags like a daily reminder; a shrine hanging off my neck and decorating my heart like a grave. I knew he was gone, but it still hurt to hear it out loud.

"It was an accident," was all I could seem to choke out, and Tim nodded.

"I'm sorry about him, Darry. Y'know we all dug your brother. After everything, I thought for sure he'd make it back."

"How'd you end up in here?" I quickly changed topics. I didn't want to reminisce with Tim. It was too painful—too many lives gone.

"Got my invite to that fucking war. Told 'em I'd rather rot in jail. I guess they took me seriously."

"Cripes, Tim," I rubbed my forehead again, and he just shrugged at me.

"What was my choice? Get my head blown off like Soda, or go on the run like Two-Bit?"

"Two-Bit?" I felt my face pale. "You hear from him?"

"He took off after you supposedly died. Stupid clown should've stuck around, I guess." He shrugged.

"Yeah," I answered, wondering to myself if it would've made any difference. I'd failed him.

"Gave him a ride to take and a bit of cash. Don't know if it was much help, but he said he wasn't comin' back."

"He say where he was headed?" I asked nervously.

"Yeah, he headed for Canada." Tim eyed me. "He was pretty messed up. Was in a hurry. Got my letter the same week he did, y'know? I guess we all do what we gotta do."

I nodded; relieved to know Two-Bit managed to dodge going to the same war that stole my brother away, and heartbroken to know I didn't do a damned thing to help him in his plight.

It was bittersweet, I suppose. On one hand, it was a relief to know Keith Mathews was tucked away safely from the horrors of that goddamned war, but on the other hand he was one of the last remaining members of the family I'd come to call my own. He was long gone, and I had so much to make up to him; I owed him so much.

"Got his address if you're interested. He dropped me a line not long ago when he got settled. Didn't think that clown knew how to be serious. Took me off guard."

Tim frowned as he looked me up and down; maybe gauging my reaction. I wondered if Two-Bit mentioned the fight we had before I took off in a selfish tantrum, leaving him there in that parking lot to figure out how to save his own hide while thinking I was going out to get drunk.

"Shit! Curtis you got married!" He suddenly yelped while eying the band on my ring finger.

I nodded while looking at my left hand; a proud grin pulling at my mouth.

"The nurse?" His eyebrows shot up, and I nodded.

"Well, you landed a good one Darry, but I don't know what the hell she sees in _you_." He teased.

"I'd be worried if you did, Tim. I'd be worried if you did." I grinned back, and we both shared a laugh like we weren't both sitting there in the middle of County's visitation hall.

xXXXx

"So? How'd it go?"

Beth brought her legs up beneath her as she curled up against me on the couch after I all but threw myself down on it in a huff. There were so many thoughts in my head, I was feeling like the top might just blow clean off.

I rubbed my eyes and shrugged, but I knew she wouldn't settle for that as an answer, so I opened my eyes to look at her.

"I dunno. So much shit has happened and I feel like I don't know the half of it."

"Darry, you were in the hospital! What exactly did you expect to be able to do?" Beth came to my defence right away.

"I reacted. I should've just calmed the fuck down, but Pony was a mess, and Soda…" my voice cut off as my throat clenched.

"I know, baby." Beth pressed her face into my neck as her hand found my own that was clutching at the tags hanging over my chest. "That day…it was awful. You can't hold yourself responsible. You didn't know. Nobody did."

"I know, doll. But I still did it, and we're sittin' here while my brother's god knows where, and Two-Bit's alone up in Canada."

"Canada?" Beth looked at me sharply.

"That's what Tim said. Gave him a car and some money to help him."

Beth had a strange look on her face.

"What's that look for?"

"It's a long ways away and a big place to be all alone. Wow!" Beth burrowed her head in my shoulder. "I miss him. I hope he's okay."

"Me too." I replied sombrely as I kissed her hair; the deep guilt I held over pushing Two-Bit away feeling heavier in my gut as the days passed.

xXXXx


	23. Chapter 23

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton. Apologies as the bulk of this was written in the dead of night when my brain is only working on one cylinder ;)

XxXxX

It took time to heal; healing was a process with some days mending better than others. A lot of it was _allowing_ myself to heal; believing that I was deserving, even though deep down I couldn't see it because I could never fully forgive myself. I never would.

It was an autumn morning—two in the morning to be exact when my youngest brother straggled in from a night out with his friend. I'd been worried sick; thinking the worst had happened but unable to do anything because if the State of Oklahoma caught wind that my fourteen-year-old brother was out at all hours of the night, he'd get thrown in a boys home or a foster home somewhere. It wasn't intentional, but we seemed to be at odds no matter what, and when he uttered the senseless excuse that he'd just fallen asleep outside in the cold with his best friend—I didn't take the second needed to listen more. I didn't want to. I was coming down from my relief that he was safe, to anger that he'd do this to me without a thought of what he'd put me through those torturous few hours of thinking the very worst. The one thing in the world I'd never be able to get over; losing one of my brothers. And I hit him. I hit him hard.

I drove him away, late at night—early in the morning. I drove him away from the safety of his home for more than just the week him and Johnny disappeared after killing some soc in the park. I drove him away and into the arms of a man so unspeakably sadistic and evil that it would take a thousand lifetimes to erase what he'd done to my brother from my memory. And I'd let the guilt eat me alive; never able to let it go. I fed the guilt my heart and everything I loved in my life just so it would stop hurting. I fed it everything until there was nothing left.

I looked down at the photo of the boy I'd only met once before, but whose face haunted me with the aching memories of two boys whom I'd loved more than anything. My eyes stung as they traced over the familiar lines of his face, and the brightness of his eyes as he smiled. It was eerie, as though it were actually my brother's photo. I felt that horrible yearning; my heart open and exposed for God to reach in one last time and end me.

"He's so beautiful," my wife was suddenly there holding me from behind, and I let a tear go. "He looks like his daddy, but he looks like his uncles too. How old is he now?"

"Four," My voice cracked; feelings too deep and powerful to ever numb me made their way to the surface.

I sniffed back another tear as I leaned back into her; letting her wrap me in the comfort I'd always been so desperate for. My head fell forward and I let it go after her gentle coaxing. A lifetime of despair seeped out, using my tears as its vessel while she held me steady so I wouldn't crumble to my knees.

"When are you going to forgive yourself?"

I shrugged wordlessly, and she turned me around so that I was facing her.

"You can't keep on living like this. _Find_ him. Bring him home. You'll never be right until you do."

"What if he hates me? I hurt him so bad…" I struggled to catch my breath. "…he hates me. I…I can't."

"_Find_ him. _Talk_ to him. _Listen _to him. If after that he doesn't want anything to do with you then you'll know. You'll know you've done everything, and maybe that'll be enough for you to let go."

I knew she was right, but not knowing was still somehow better. Not knowing meant there was still a chance he'd come back to me. If I somehow managed to find him and he really did want me out of his life…

"Find him, Darrel. You'll never have peace until you do."

She was right. She'd always been right from the first time I'd met her. She knew the value of family from having lost her own, and she never once gave up the hope that I'd be able to mend what was left of mine.

Beth had never given up on me. She'd never given up on anyone. Even when I couldn't function because I'd been so riddled with the guilt and hopelessness, she didn't give up. Even when I took her love for granted and tried to push her away, she didn't give up on me. And when I couldn't look at my own reflection because I'd hated myself so much and couldn't allow myself to be forgiven; she was the one to bring the love and forgiveness to me.

"Darry," I whispered, watching the smile creep over her lips before I took her face gently in my hands and let my mouth press against hers.

She slowly broke away from me and looked down at the letter in my hands. It was a letter from Sandy along with the photograph of Jack. I hadn't heard anything from Sandy after Soda's death, but Beth of course had kept in touch. The topic of Sodapop was still painful even though he'd been gone for more than a couple of years. Maybe that's why I hadn't heard from her before then. Maybe Beth had kept it quiet because I still couldn't face the fact that he was gone, but the letter was addressed to me, and I'd made a promise to Sodapop to look after Sandy and his son.

Sandy hadn't asked for my help in the letter. It was a plea to find Ponyboy. It was a plea to find Two-Bit. Her last conversation with my brother had been similar to the one I'd had with him—the saying of goodbyes and the I love yous. But it also seemed as though my brother predicted me shutting down, and asked Sandy to make sure the family stayed together.

"I think what Sandy wrote in that letter is right." Beth spoke my thoughts aloud. "Make the drive. Find Two-Bit and fix this thing. You can't go on like this; he means too much to you."

I took a deep breath with the thought of Two-Bit turning me away like I'd done to him, and my stomach rolled uncomfortably, but it was becoming very clear that it was the penance I'd have to pay. My wife was right; I couldn't live like this anymore. Sandy's letter was what I needed to muster up enough courage to face that fear.

XxXxX

I stared straight ahead at the past while I gripped the steering wheel. I was like a fish out of water; I'd never felt so nervous in my life, not even when I'd proposed to my wife a couple of few years ago. So much had happened over the years; things I tried to control even when I knew I couldn't and just like that it all blew up in my face.

"Are you sure we should do this?" I turned my head, as unsure as I'd ever been about anything. I'd never needed reassurance before, but the weight that was tugging at my insides demanded it.

"He wanted this; made me swear." Her China blue eyes bore into me and I let out the breath I'd been holding.

"He hates me," I whispered to myself as I shook my head and looked down the dirt path that lead to the weathered looking trailer. "He hasn't given word in years. Don't expect much; I don't think this is gonna give us the happy ending you think it will."

"We have to at least try, and he doesn't hate you. Family is everything, and I'm sure he knows that. We have to do this; I promised." She urged.

I felt my hands shake as I placed them in my lap. The pounding in my chest was merciless, and I only wanted to shift the car into drive and beat it out of there. Things had changed; life had changed, and I tried to pinpoint the exact moment in time when things got so fucked up that it became too late for any of us. Our pasts were so muddied and covered in the shit life threw at us, nothing would ever be clear.

"It's time." Her soft voice and staggering beautiful eyes pleaded with me.

I nodded reluctantly and took a breath that trembled as violently as my hands. I opened the car door, letting go of that breath, and finally let go of things past as I headed for the present.

I had a hunch that Sandy and Beth had planned this out from the get-go, or maybe Beth had just gotten to the point where I was worrying her too much and reached out. Either way, a couple of weeks after getting Sandy's letter, her and Jack were at the doorstep; Sandy with her big plan to track down Two-Bit to bring him back home with us while Beth looked after Jack in our absence.

Sandy reached behind towards the back seat to hand me my cane and looked at me pointedly. I was on my own in this; the look on her face made it clear that this was my job, and my job alone. I'd pushed Two-Bit away in my own selfish mourning. He was trying to grieve along with being confronted with the fact that his own life was about to be taken away, and I'd turned my back on him when he needed me the most.

I took a deep breath while I clutched the cane in my hand, and finally took a step towards the trailer. I tried to calm my nerves; the fear of rejection gripping me with every limp. This was it. This was the path I'd been needing to take to get a part of my life back; a part of myself.

I could hear the low hum of a television as I took the few wooden steps that were in front of the metal door. I knocked and waited but couldn't hear any movement from inside. I knocked again a little louder when I heard rustling from behind.

"Darry? Holy shit, is that really you?"

He looked a little older—a little weathered, but other than that Keith Mathews didn't look any different than he did when I'd seen him last. His hair was a little longer, and for the first time in probably forever it flowed freely without any hair grease. He was still sporting those ridiculously thick sideburns, as well as that stupid Mickey Mouse T-shirt he'd worn for years, and I foolishly looked for holes in it as he slowly got closer.

"Tell me this ain't a dream." He asked of me, and I gave him a strange look as I cautiously stepped down from the wooden stairs from the trailer.

"Keith…I…I'm so sor…"

I tried to apologize. I wanted him to know how sorry I was for that night I'd taken off and almost wound up killing myself. I wanted him to know that I was sorry for not standing by him; for not helping him out when he needed me. After all the shit I'd been through, he'd stood beside me or behind me to keep me going, and I wanted to apologize for not offering the same friendship in return.

I'd let so much time go by. I wanted to apologize for being so wrapped up in my own grief that I didn't make the effort to find him sooner, but in a flash, we were hugging the daylights out of each other, and nothing else past or present seemed to matter.

"I'm so sorry," I managed to choke out, but Two-Bit just laughed that crazy laugh of his.

"What the hell you sorry for? God damn, Darry Curtis! They told me you were dead! God damn it! I was so stupid to believe it. I was so damned stupid!" He half-laughed, half-cried as he clutched on to me.

"C'mon, Two-Bit." I pulled back from him and shrugged. "Bullets bounce offa me."

"Sounds about right, Superman. Sounds about right!" He chuckled before we stood there hugging again.

And just like that, he forgave me. Because that's what families do, and I'd known it way before Sandy and Beth all but begged me to make the trek up north to find Two-Bit. It was the reason why I couldn't find peace. He was my brother. He would always be my brother whether or not we had different DNA.

I felt a piece of who I was slide into place as we stood there with our arms tangled around each other, but the wind began to pick up; managing to blow through my bones giving me an eerie chill way down to my core. I didn't even know what to say to him; so much past between us and so much time had gone by.

"You're here for him—I shoulda known you'd pull this off. I ain't you or Sodapop, Darry. He's in a bit of a mess but I want you to know I've been doin' everything I can. He's a little overdue for a bath, but other than that…"

"What are you talkin' about? You get a dog, Two-Bit?" I grinned, not understanding in the slightest until he looked at me soberly.

"The kid, Darry." He said as he nodded towards the trailer.

I stared blankly at Two-Bit as I struggled to let his words register. My breath trembled as I took in that sharp intake of air, and I didn't have to explain anything because Two-Bit knew. He knew me. He was family and he'd been there covering my back and helping me through every struggle I had to face as an adult trying to raise a teenaged boy.

"He's different now, Darry. He never really recovered; brain damage and all, but when the State started poking around—there was no fucking way they were gonna get their hands on him again. When we heard you weren't gonna make it…"

"We?" I looked at Two-Bit; my hands starting to shake as the pieces of the story started to unfold.

"Greg," Two-Bit answered, and things started to become clear.

"Greg," I nodded as the world began to blur, and my friend placed a steady hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah. He's a great guy, Darry but I knew it was _my_ job to take care of Ponyboy if you were gone. But I had the fuckin' army breathin' down my back, and after losin' Soda there was no way…" Two-Bit took an unsteady breath. "I wasn't gonna fight in that goddamned war, Darry. Greg…it was a hair-brained scheme to come up here, but I'm out of it all. It saved me from gettin' my nuts shot off in the jungle. It ain't much, but we're alive and safe. We're makin' it work."

I nodded as I tried to digest what Two-Bit was saying to me, and it all just made sense. I knew in my heart all along that Greg had pulled the strings to make sure my brother stayed safe, and he'd kept Two-Bit safe in the process. If there was such a thing as guardian angels, Greg had been mine all along. I owed my life to Dr. Greg Allain.

"It's unlocked," Two-Bit cocked his head toward the door. "Go on in, Darry. Just…he…he ain't the same. I did everything I knew how, Darry but I ain't you or Sodapop."

I nodded as I pet the back of Two-Bit's head; telling him without words that what he'd done for my brother was more than enough. I felt my own anxiety of not knowing just what sort of condition Ponyboy was in by the way Two-Bit was talking, and also the excitement of being reunited with my brother after all this time.

Two-Bit noticed my nervousness, breaking my contact with him by gently shoving me towards the trailer. I nodded and made my way back up those steps and took a deep breath before I opened the door.

I didn't notice him at first. The entrance spit me into a small kitchen whose tidiness didn't go unnoticed. I thought for a moment about the last home I'd pulled my brother out of, and felt thankful. Even though the separation from Pony was excruciating at best, I was nothing but relieved that he was safe with Two-Bit and Greg's care.

I slipped my feet out of my boots and followed the sound of the television. There was a narrow opening from the kitchen to where I noticed a sofa, and then stared at the lump where someone was laying down, all wrapped up in a comforter.

I choked on a sob as I finally neared him; using my cane to ease down to my knees while I leaned over to press my face against the side of his head. His reddish-brown hair was clipped short and displayed the scars on the right side of his skull proudly. His face still retained most of its roundness, and although he looked younger than his now nineteen years, he looked exactly like Sodapop had the last time I'd seen him.

The joy I felt for finally being with my little brother was suddenly shadowed by the fact that it had just taken so fucking long. There were moments we'd never get back; the pain and longing from not having each other leaving its permanent mark. And the guilt I'd held onto for not doing more, found me clutching onto Ponyboy as though he were about to be ripped away from me again.

"I'm so sorry!"

My cries were muffled in his chest, as I held onto him possessively. The journey had been long and drawn out, and part of me couldn't even imagine it finally being over. My goal had been to find an estranged friend, but what I'd found was so much more than I could've ever hoped for, and as I squeezed Ponyboy even closer I felt another piece of me click into place.

"Shhhh…it's okay, Darry." Two-Bit was suddenly kneeling next to me. "Ain't nobody blaming you for anything."

"I shoulda listened to you that night."

"You did, Darry. You did listen, and a train hit ya for your troubles. Y'know come to think of it, you shoulda just headed over to Checkers and got shitfaced."

My head shot up and I looked at Two-Bit incredulously while my arms were still tangled around my brother.

"You didn't take that drink, did ya Darry? You headed straight for home, didn't ya?"

I nodded; still looking at Two-Bit like he was off his rocker.

"And you got hit by a train for doin' the right thing. Christ, Darry! They oughta write a country song about you!"

I shook my head at him unbelievingly, but then chuckled at the irony.

"He ain't grown at all, if you wanna squeeze yourself in there." Two-Bit motioned to the sofa with his head. "He looks just like him, don't he?"

"Soda'd be so tickled if he could see him. God damned spittin' image." I grinned proudly, easing one arm from around him so that I could drag a hand down and around his face.

"He ain't talked, Darry. Just lays there. I'm sorry, Darry. We've been doing everything; it just doesn't seem to help."

"Shhhh…" My hand continued to stroke Pony's face. "It's okay, Keith. Ain't your fault."

"Like I said, he's a bit overdue for a bath. I usually wait for Greg to come around; it's easier to get him in the tub when I have help."

"It's okay, I can do it." I mumbled as I tugged at the comforter around my brother, and then shoved my free arm underneath him to adjust him on the sofa.

"Yeah," Two-Bit grinned as he watched me slip halfway underneath my brother so I could just lay close to him. "You okay there, Superman?"

"More than." I smiled before pressing my mouth against the top of Pony's head.

It took about ten seconds before I could feel the change. Pony's head sank into my shoulder while I could feel the rest of his body melt into mine. I thought about my wedding day; the waves from the Pacific and how they rolled over my bare feet, leaving a sense of peace behind as they melted back into the sea. It felt like I was being washed out myself as a calmness spread throughout me while I laid there with my baby brother.

My heart clenched when his right hand moved up to grab onto my shirt, and I pulled him even closer to me while I kissed his head. I knew what to do, as though no time had passed. Just being there on that sofa with him grounded me. I'd seen him do it to Soda a million times; press his face into Sodapop's cheek or neck while grabbing on. It didn't matter what his diagnosis was. I knew that Ponyboy knew I was there.

"He knows." Two-Bit spoke my own thoughts out loud.

"Yep," I smiled as I stretched out to a more comfortable position on Two-Bit's sofa. "Everything's gonna be alright now. I'm here; I ain't leavin' without ya, baby."

"Man, I gotta call Greg. He's gonna shit himself when he sees you're here."

Two-Bit scrambled to his feet to head towards his phone, and it dawned on me that Sandy was still waiting in the car. I had no intention of getting up or letting go of the hold I had on my brother.

"You might wanna invite Sandy in. She's still in the car."

"Sandy? Like, Sandy Sandy? Soda's Sandy? Why the hell is she here?"

"Was her idea to make the drive to come get you." My words started to slur as I found myself exhausted from the drive and all of the emotions still coursing through me. "Be a pal, and invite her in Keith."

"Will do, Superman. Have your nap. We'll talk about what I'm gonna feed you guys later, okay?"

I sighed as I nodded, and closed my eyes to hunker down closer to my brother. It had been so long, but being curled up with him felt the same. It felt like home, even though we were two thousand miles away from Tulsa.

XxXxX


	24. Chapter 24

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

XxXxX

"What happened to him?"

"What happened to who?"

"Ponyboy. He looks different; not right. What happened to him?"

"Shut your mouth—the kid is fine! What the hell are you doing here anyways?"

I could hear Two-Bit grumble at Sandy, but I was too tired to tell him to cut it out, so I took another breath and focused on the weight of my brother melting into me.

"I wasn't picking; don't be a jerk, Two-Bit! It was just a question. I haven't seen him for so long."

"Yeah, well I guess you shoulda stuck around, Sandy."

"Look," I heard Sandy huff in frustration. "I know you're just protecting Soda, and I get it. Okay? I get it. But I'm here because he didn't want you guys split apart. You guys are it, and he wanted you to stay together. That's why I'm here. That's the reason, okay?"

"Steve,"

"What?"

"Steve. You forgot about Steve. You didn't happen to hear from him, did ya?"

I held my breath waiting for Sandy's answer.

"Yeah, he re-enlisted."

"What?"

"C'mon, Two. You know Soda was all that Steve had. I don't think he's ready to face it yet."

"Yeah, tell me about it. There's been a whole lotta that goin' 'round. How's Evie handling the news?"

"As well as can be expected."

"And you? You seem to be holding yourself together pretty good."

"Yeah?" Sandy's voice shook, and I felt for her. "Well, I've had a lot of practice hiding things the past few years."

I thought about her words and the courage it took for her to round me up to make the trip up to this foreign town in this foreign country. Sandy was no different from me—from all of us. She'd grown up on the same streets as me and my brothers and the rest of the boys. She knew what it was like to grow up poor and to not have a hope in hell of breaking free and being more. Sandy had made her own sacrifices in life. Sacrificing for my brother. Sacrificing for his baby. Sacrificing for me so that I could be here right now. She was as tough as they came, and I could see why my brother had fallen head-over-heels for her. They were but a few of the same qualities that made me fall in love with Beth.

Sandy was my sister now; even though Soda was no longer with us, and it was my job to protect her; I'd made my promise to Soda, and I had no intention of breaking that promise. But when I made to stretch and open my mouth to do that, I felt Pony jerk and twitch beside me, and things went by the wayside.

"What's wrong? What is he doing?" Sandy sounded alarmed, but my brother's seizures were old hat for Two-Bit and me.

"Relax," I could sense Two-Bit nearing the couch where Ponyboy and I were laying. "Ain't you seen a seizure before?"

"Seizure? Since when? Is that why he's all crooked and bent strange? What happened to him?"

"Soda didn't tell ya?" Two-Bit asked curiously.

"Tell me what?"

Advertising what Ponyboy had survived was something I knew that Sodapop would never do, because as much as he was in love with Sandy, he also loved Ponyboy. I knew he'd never do anything to break the trust and bond he had with his little brother. It was the same concern that I'd had when Pony was well enough to take home; who needed to know what happened, and how much information was too much information when dealing with Pony's feelings. It was his story to tell, and if it weren't for Two-Bit and Steve figuring things out on their own, they would still be none the wiser. Pony's heart was fragile and like Soda, I would guard it with my life.

"Shhh," I opened my eyes and looked at Two-Bit. "It's okay, I'm here Pony."

It was a statement with two purposes. One, to comfort Pony during his seizure which didn't seem as bad as some of the ones I'd held him through in the past. Two, to keep Two-Bit Mathews from shooting his mouth off to Sandy about how my brother became the way he was. It wasn't his business to tell her, it was Pony's and Pony's alone.

"Nothin'," Two-Bit gave me a slight nod before turning back to Sandy. "Maybe we should think about supper. You guys must be starved." He mumbled while walking towards the kitchen with Sandy following, and I squeezed Pony closer.

A faint squeak from the back of his throat made its way out, and I thought about loosening my grip on him until his right hand grabbed at the front of my shirt again, pulling at the hairs on my chest. I sucked in a sharp breath while I clenched my teeth and my eyes, and let my hand cover his; trying to pry it off.

"Ow, Pony! Take it easy—don't get so grabby!"

I found myself nagging and figured if he didn't know it was me from huddling up together, he'd know it from me bossing him around. His hand gave a weak clench before he let me take it, and he held onto my thumb instead.

"Where ya been, kiddo? I been lookin' everywhere for you. Me and Beth been worried sick." I started mumbling while my other hand pet and cradled his head to my shoulder and chest.

"I was so scared they got you again. I was so scared they put you in another home and they were just lying when they told me they didn't know anything. I was so scared, Pony—so scared." And suddenly I was laying out the last few years for my brother.

"It's been so hard not having you around; not having Soda around. You two are part of me—you're the blood and marrow. I…I haven't even seen him; I just sorta shut down. I'm too scared to say goodbye…" my throat started to feel thick.

"I can't seem to get through this; not without you, little buddy. I need you, okay? I know what Two-Bit was trying to tell me—that you ain't there no more, but the thing is, is that he don't know you like I do. You've never given up on anything in your whole life. You've always fought; you fought me for years. Ponyboy, you've always been the strong one; everyone just thought it was me and Soda cuz you've always been so small, but I know better. I ain't givin' up on you, and I never will. I know you're in there, little buddy and when you're ready, I'm gonna be here. I'll always be here for you, baby."

I let a tear slide while I thought about the truth I'd shared. Pony had always been the strong one; the fighter. Soda had always been the heart that kept us together, and I wondered what I'd brought besides the ability to provide a place where we could always be together, that is until I messed things up and lost my temper that one night. Pony was so much stronger than I was—I hadn't been able to bring myself to make the drive to see Soda. His remains had been laid to rest next to our parents, and I just wasn't strong enough. I'd never be strong enough to let Sodapop go, even when in my heart I knew he was gone.

My train of thought was interrupted by the sound of the door opening, and that familiar gentle, grounding, voice.

"Hey Keith, Safeway had a clear-out on some chops, so I picked some up. If you cook them tonight, they'll be fi…oh! I'm sorry, I didn't know you had company. Uh…I'll catch up with you and Pony tom…"

"Relax, doc. Gimme the bag, I was just worryin' what the hell I was gonna feed 'em." Two-Bit chuckled.

I heard the paper bag rustle as Greg handed it over to Two-Bit.

"Hi," Greg sounded nervous before Two-Bit broke in.

"Oh yeah! Doc, this is Sandy. Sandy, this is doc. What the hell goes with pork chops?"

"Greg," I heard him correct Two-Bit's introduction. "It's nice to meet you. How was Pony today?"

"The same, but I think he's about to get a whole lot better. He's on the couch if you wanna check him over. Warning, he ain't alone."

"What do you mean, who…?"

Greg looked stunned as he turned and saw me from the kitchen. I took notice of the subtle way he shook his head once, twice, and a third time before his legs brought him further into the living room and towards the sofa where I had my brother crammed in between my side and the back cushions of the couch, and the grin I wore faded into horror when I saw Greg breaking down.

"Hey," I spoke in concern as Greg's knees hit the floor, and his face was buried in the shoulder of mine that was not occupied by my brother.

"Hey," I repeated as Greg started to cry, and I brought my hand up to pet his head.

"Oh my god, I'm so stupid!" His voice cracked as he yelled into my shirt, and his arm stretched out to rest over my brother and me.

"Hey, it's okay. It's okay, Greg. It's okay now."

"No, it's not!" He shook his head vehemently while he leaned back to look at me. "I should've waited! I know not to make decisions in haste! I'm so stupid!"

His uncertainty was raw and honest, and I smiled as it reminded me of Sodapop. That's what I respected most about Greg. He wasn't afraid to show that he was human, when all the other doctors I'd dealt with in the past acted as though they were God himself. Greg was aware of his limitations.

"It's not your fault, you didn't know."

"I should've waited and then I would've known." Greg choked, and once again I realized how entwined we all were with each other, and how we'd all been affected by Soda's passing, and my subsequent accident.

"Not that. You didn't know…"

"Know about what?" Greg looked at me in confusion.

"You didn't know about my superpowers." I grinned coyly, and Greg started to laugh.

"Superman?" He checked, and I nodded. "Ah, right! I thought that was just in reference to your physical condition. I didn't realize you could also leap over buildings in a single bound."

I shrugged nonchalantly, and Greg smiled. "Well, given how strong your little brother is, I should've known about your superpowers. I'm so sorry, Darry. I didn't think there was any hope. I took him away and he needed you. I'm so sorry, please forgive me!"

"Greg, you saved him—again! I can't ever repay you. You don't know…I'm so grateful you helped Pony and Two-Bit. He woulda died if he got put into another home."

"He's in bad shape, Darry. He went without oxygen…" I didn't let him finish, because I'd already made up my mind.

"He'll come back when he's ready." I said stubbornly as I kissed the top of Pony's head.

"Darry," Greg shook his head sadly. "What if he doesn't?"

"Then nothing." I shrugged stubbornly. "He goes where I go; nothing will ever change that. He's my brother and he's my blood. I love him and would do anything for him. That's how it is."

"That's what I knew you'd say." Greg smiled as he shuffled up from the floor to sit in the chair next to the couch. "When are you heading back?"

I shrugged. "Whenever it works for you and Two-Bit."

"When it works for us?" Greg's eyebrows pulled together.

"I ain't going home without you guys, c'mon Greg. After what y'all have done for me—for Pony. It's time to go home."

"There's nothing for me there, Darry." Greg suddenly looked so sad.

"Beth said they fired you. I don't get it. You're the best…everything you do…everything you've done for us…I don't understand."

"They don't like _my_ _kind_."

"Your kind?" I repeated, unclear of what he was saying.

"Homosexual, Darry. I was in the emergency when you were brought in. God, you were in pieces and I've never been so scared."

"Greg," I felt the guilt as I was reminded of just how much my actions cost everyone, not just myself.

"I guess my bedside manner wasn't deemed appropriate. They didn't ask; just assumed and I was given my notice."

"That's bullshit!" I growled, somehow feeling responsible, but Greg just shrugged.

"I guess they could see how I really feel about you."

There was an awkward silence for a moment before Greg shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Darry. I'm…"

"Greg,"

I wanted to say something to ease his mind, but the truth was I had no idea what that would be. I'd never been in this position before, and I didn't know how to maintain a friendship without having my feelings misinterpreted. I didn't want to hurt Greg, and I realized then that being his friend might've been the very thing that _was _hurting him.

"Anyways," Greg interrupted. "I didn't know what to do. The hospital wouldn't give me a favourable reference, and then Two-Bit asked for help with Ponyboy. When I found out about the draft, Canada made sense."

"So, you guys all live here," I looked around the worn-down living room.

"At first until I got settled with another job. I wanted them to come with me to the house, but Keith doesn't accept help easily. Still insists on paying me for this place."

I didn't bother telling him about a greaser's pride, because I was sure Greg had pegged it a million years ago when our paths first crossed. Pride was all we had most days, and Greg wasn't from our side of the tracks, but he was deep enough and kind enough to understand.

"This where you're from?" I asked curiously.

"Washington state. Parents tossed me out when I told them I was in love with my best friend." Greg smiled sadly for a brief moment, remembering. "Best friend tossed me out when I told him too."

"I won't toss you out, Greg. I won't ever do that to you. I meant what I said—you're family. There's always a place for you with us."

Greg smiled. "You're gracious, and a wonderful friend to have, Darry. Thank you."

"I dunno why you're thanking me. You've done way more for me. I'll never be able to pay that debt."

"My whole life I've never belonged anywhere, Darry. I always knew I was different. You see past that. You see me for me—all of you do. For the first time in my life I feel like I fit somewhere, and I never thought that would happen."

"Guess we're not such outsiders after all?"

Greg looked thoughtful as he smiled warmly. "I guess not."

XxXxX


	25. Chapter 25

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

Soooo...this chapter happened unexpectedly...and rather quickly. Don't get used to it; I'm not that good lol!

* * *

XxXxX

The bathroom was worn like the rest of the place, but the tub was a lot bigger than the cast-iron rust bucket at home. There was no easy way about it; Ponyboy's left side was stiff and uncooperative while the other half of him melded to me like we were one person. Two-Bit and Greg both stood by to make sure I didn't fall or drop my brother; with both arms occupied holding onto Ponyboy, I'd left my cane on the floor in front of the couch.

"I'm sorry, Darry."

Two-Bit apologized for the umpteenth time about the state of my brother; ashamed that he couldn't keep up with the rigorous routine me and Sodapop once had in place those years ago when we brought Pony home from the hospital.

"Did I give you the impression that I was angry? If I did, it wasn't intentional. You saved him, Keith. Stop being sorry and help me get him in the tub."

In spite of the hours I'd put in working out with Bradley and Eric, I could still feel how out of shape I was from the accident. My brother wasn't much bigger than the last time I'd handled him; maybe an inch taller with that same delicate frame. He reminded me even more of a colt with gangly legs that were clearly the majority of his height, and it made me bark out a laugh.

"What?" Two-Bit grinned.

"Nothin'," I replied, but suddenly couldn't stop. "I mean, look at him. Dad's gotta be grinnin' from ear to ear. Look at these damned legs! He's a goddamned colt! How did dad know what to name him?"

I squeezed Pony tighter to me while Greg got the water running to fill the tub, and Two-Bit flipped the seat down on the toilet to give me a place to sit. My leg cramped a bit from the relief, but surprisingly the discomfort wasn't enough to thwart my efforts.

"There's a couple of things I need to talk to you about." Greg said as Two-Bit left the room to rummage around in a closet just outside the door.

"Yeah, what's that?" I asked absently as I leaned Ponyboy back a ways from my torso so I could pull his T-shirt up and over his head.

I wasn't prepared to see the tan coloured tube that protruded from his abdomen. I swallowed hard as I let my fingers gently probe around it, knowing what it was for, but still shocked by the brutality of the hole poked in my brother's body even though I knew it was necessary to keep him alive.

"Gastrostomy…I mean, it's a feeding tube, Darry." Greg's voice was timid as though he were afraid of my reaction.

"Yeah, I know." My voice cracked, and I wanted another hand so that I could wipe at my eyes as they began to burn. "We talked about it when he was first in the hospital."

"Yeah," Greg gave a nod as he remembered. "It just made sense, Darry. We couldn't let him starve…and his lungs with the other one. I didn't want to risk it long term."

"It's okay. I mean…it's not okay that I did this to him, but you had to do what you had to in order to save him."

"Darry, this isn't your fault. Ponyboy's body is just…fragile. It was easy to forget about that until…"

I nodded my understanding. It was easy to forget until that one thing happened to push him and his poor body over the edge. The only thing that could ever stop my baby brother from fighting; Sodapop coming home in a box.

"It ain't so bad, Darry." Two-Bit's voice broke in. "I got one of them blender things. Pony gets to eat what I eat. I just whirl it up and it goes in great."

I tried to smile but I couldn't, so I just hugged Ponyboy closer to me while Two-Bit and Greg finished getting everything ready.

"So how are we doing this? I hold and you wash?" Two-Bit asked.

I shook my head. "You two go. I got this." I mumbled as I pulled down on the pants that were too big on my brother.

"It's harder than it looks, Darry." Greg looked on worriedly. "It's a two person job."

"I'll call you guys if I need anything. It's okay, I've done it before."

I sat quietly, waiting for Two-Bit and Greg to leave me alone with Pony. I didn't pay any mind at the confused looks they gave each other, I just sat trying to preserve what little dignity my brother had left while he was half-splayed across my lap in a goddamned wet diaper with a feeding tube permanently hanging out of his body.

When they shut the door quietly behind themselves, a part of me seethed. A part of me hated the world for what it had done to my family, but I wouldn't let that anger take over. The last time I did is when I ended up in the hospital; losing Ponyboy for what felt like forever. No, I would take that hatred and anger and turn it into something else. I would try harder to be more compassionate like Sodapop. I would be a better person, and love my brother even harder and get him through this. I'd done it once—I could do it again.

"Just like when we were little, Pony." I whispered as I struggled out of my own clothes; eventually sitting the two of us in the bathtub full of bubbles and hot water.

"Nothin' to it, right? You don't gotta be embarrassed. You don't gotta worry 'bout a thing, little buddy. I'm here now. It's just you and me, baby brother."

* * *

XxXxX

"Ohhhh, shit!"

Two-Bit's groan was damned near pornographic as he shovelled the supper that Sandy ended up making, in his mouth.

"I forgot what good cooking tasted like! Sandy, you're moving in!"

"Gee, if I'da known that's all it would take," Sandy snickered shyly; a faint blush covering her cheeks from the obscene noises coming from Two-Bit.

Ponyboy groaned.

"He alright?" Greg looked ready to leap off his chair as I maneuvered my brother on the sofa with me so that I could still reach my supper that was placed on a TV table in front.

I nodded. "Yeah, knock it off Two-Bit. If you don't make _him_ puke with those sounds you're making, you're gonna make _me_ puke. Cripes almighty!"

"No way, Darry! You don't understand 'cause _you_ can actually cook. This is…_fuck_!"

"Good Lord," Sandy rolled her eyes embarrassed, and Greg just grinned while he ate in silence.

It was a different dynamic, but at the same time it brought me back to a time when there was seven of us eating in my living room. Life was a struggle, but with seven boys all looking out for each other it didn't feel so daunting. I had a new family now, and as badly as I missed the old one, I was incredibly thankful. And then I thought of Beth, and how much I was missing her.

"You just need a wife. C'mon, Two-Bit; any girls around here you fancy?" I teased while thinking about all the grief him and Soda threw at me those first times I was trying to court Beth.

"Hell, I been raising a kid! Got no time for dating." Two-Bit winked as he did an eerily perfect impersonation of me as I was not so long ago.

I felt my face heat up as I took the last bite of my supper.

"That was really great, Sandy. Thank you."

Sandy got up to grab my empty plate, and I reached out to hold her hand.

"For everything." I spoke softly.

"This is what he wanted, Darry. This is what I promised him."

Her smile was strained as she placed my empty dish on top of her own, and quietly walked to the kitchen where I heard the water start running as she filled the sink for the dishes.

"The picture didn't do justice." Greg said quietly.

"What?"

"Soda talked so much about her. He showed me a photograph once, but it doesn't do her justice. She's more beautiful in person."

I nodded, a little jealous. Soda hadn't talked to me about Sandy except for the trouble they'd found themselves in, and yet we'd talked endlessly about Beth when I'd fallen in love myself. I wondered why Soda wouldn't share that part of himself with me, but deep down I knew. He thought I didn't approve.

I sighed as I moved myself and Pony on the couch; trying to find a more comfortable fit, and decided that I would try to be better in all aspects of my life. I'd listen more and judge less. I'd let my worry and stress come out as gentle concern instead of anger. Sodapop had left a legacy, and I would strive to reach it. I would try to be more like him, and maybe in some way it would bring me closer to him.

"I should show you around. There's a double in Greg's old room. You and Pony'll be okay there." Two-Bit mumbled as he scarfed down the last of his supper.

"How long did you live here?" I looked over at Greg as he stood up from the armchair and placed his empty plate on the floor while he folded up his tv table.

He grinned as he approached the sofa; taking the tv table I'd used, and folded it up before placing it on the rack next to his.

"About a year," Greg answered while bending down to retrieve his plate. "Until I could save enough for my own place and give Keith a little space."

"Doc is a pig. Worse than the seven of us back in the day, all crammed in your living room, Superman." Two-Bit hackled.

"I'm not a pig! I'm just…unorganized." Greg blushed while Two-Bit rolled his eyes.

"He's a pig."

"I'm messy!" Greg flustered indignantly.

"Pig." Two-Bit mouthed silently as Greg grabbed his plate and headed to the kitchen sink.

My shoulders shook, as I tried to laugh without making a sound. Two-Bit suddenly broke out cackling like a hyena; like he did every single day that I'd known him. The thought of Greg being sloppy in his home life when he was so clearly in control and perfect in his professional life, was endearing.

"Wellup," Two-Bit stood from his chair and stretched. "Lemme give you the grand tour. You already know where the bathroom is.

"Just one?" I asked as I rolled Pony off of me so he'd have the couch to himself.

"Yup. Just one. Just got the two bedrooms—I'll show ya them, but it's been enough."

"Sounds good," I moaned as I was midway in the process of rolling over my brother when his right hand shot up and grabbed onto my shirt.

"He okay?" Two-Bit jumped about a foot; startled by Pony's action.

I was crouched uncomfortably over my brother. His face scrunched up, and I noticed the wetness slide down from his eyes, over his temples and towards the couch. His right hand clutched at me tightly and I noticed his knuckles turn white. If it'd been his left hand I would've known for sure.

"Hey, Pony."

I kept my voice soft and low so that I wouldn't spook him or set him off. He continued to grimace, and I gently let my hand cover his.

"Is he seizing?" Greg's voice was laced in concern from behind.

"I dunno. You having a seizure, babe?" I asked as I let go of his hand, and cupped my brother's jaw.

His eyebrows furrowed even more as he took in a sharp breath; whipping his head to the other side, and it was full circle in a way.

"What's the matter, Ponyboy?" I asked him as I stroked his face.

"Darry, he can't…" Greg started, but I wouldn't hear any of it.

"The hell he can't!" I snapped back. "Baby, open your eyes for me, okay? Tell me what's wrong."

Pony's face just contorted more; his eyes leaking more tears.

"Shhhh…it's okay, little buddy. It's okay. When you're ready, alright?" And I grinned like a crazy man when suddenly, albeit slowly, Ponyboy opened his eyes.

He wasn't looking at anyone or anything in particular, and it shocked me to see that his eyes looked more grey than the green I'd remembered, but I couldn't help let out a laugh of relief at the sight. We'd been here before. My brother was not broken.

"I'm just gonna let Two-Bit show me around your place, okay?" I asked as I ran my hand over his face again.

Pony flashed another frown.

"Oh my God!" Greg gasped.

"You wanna come with?" I asked as I wiped at the tear streaks leading into Pony's cropped hair.

One blink for yes, and I wondered in the back of my head what sense it was for the two of us to have eyelashes long enough to make all the gals in town jealous.

"I don't believe it." Greg sniffed as he wiped at his own eyes.

"You gonna look at me?" I asked Pony, and frowned when his face turned sour.

"You mad at me?"

One blink for yes.

"S'alright, little buddy. It's okay if you're mad at me. I'm mad at me too. When you're ready, Pony."

I stayed there straddling over his body on my hands and knees, and waited with baited breath. I knew that my brother loved me, but I also knew how badly I'd hurt him more than a few times in his life. I knew that for as forgiving as he'd been in the past, he could also be as stubborn as a mule, which is partly why he was still alive.

Greg, Sandy, and Two-Bit were all silent with me as we waited. I don't really know how long it took. It was like standing at the stovetop waiting for a pot of water to boil; it felt like an hour. Eventually there was movement underneath me, and Ponyboy was staring at me in confusion.

"The beard."

Two-Bit spoke and I could hear Soda's voice hissing at me that I was scaring our brother. I winced as I sucked in a breath, and looked at my brother apologetically.

"Shit!" I whispered under my breath.

"Should've cleaned your face up a bit," Two-Bit again spoke the words that belonged to Sodapop, and I rolled my eyes.

"Thanks, Tips." I mumbled.

Ponyboy looked unsure as he slowly lifted his right hand towards me, but as Two-Bit laughed, Pony startled and drew it away. I gently grabbed for his hand; guiding it to my face so that he could feel and explore, or do whatever it was that he needed in order to feel at ease.

I grinned as my hand slipped to gently hold Pony's wrist while he let his fingers drag through the hair on my face. He felt around my cheek and my chin before he let his finger tickle the hair under my nose, and it looked like he was going to smile.

"How are we doin', baby? We okay now?"

One blink for yes.

"Well, hey then." I smiled at my brother. "It's great to see you, kiddo! Dammit, I missed you!"

The unabashed smile on my face was painful, as the muscles there hadn't been in use for so long. My eyes drank in the sight of my brother; aware of the conflicting feelings tugging at my heart. The happiness and relief I felt was only slightly shadowed by the reminder that Sodapop wasn't there with us. And looking at Pony, it was so damned hard not to think about Soda.

The spitting image of his brother—his hero and soulmate.

I was torn from my thoughts as Ponyboy hiccuped, and dropped his hand to his own face to cover his eyes so that I wouldn't see him cry.

"Hey," I called out worriedly.

I shuffled around as I pulled up on my little brother; the need to hold onto him overwhelming me. I clung to him and fought to keep it together for him, because it was clear that he couldn't. My brother had shut down for the last few years in an effort to deal with the loss and the uncertainty of what laid ahead for him.

I took a deep breath; my nose brushing against my brother's hair, and I could smell the shampoo I'd used to wash him not even two hours previous. I focussed on that smell in vain while my brother had his face tucked into the crook of my neck. His plea was but a whisper, but I received the message loud and clear.

"Please don't leave me again!"

* * *

XxXxX

I laid there staring at the ceiling; letting the journey of the last few years drift through my mind. My thumb traced over the skin of my brother's shoulder—back and forth like the pendulum bob of a clock that counts the seconds as they go by. My brother's head is nestled in and on my shoulder just like before—his face settled on my chest. He's pretending to sleep, but I feel the flutter of those annoyingly long eyelashes all of us Curtis boys have had to suffer with. They tickle my skin as they leave butterfly kisses, and I bite into my bottom lip as Ponyboy reaches towards my heart.

The clank of Soda's dog tags seem to echo in the quietness of the night as Pony strokes over them, and I clench my teeth in an effort to hold back the urge to scream at God.

_Why? Why did you take him? Why did you have to take my brother?_

And I feel the rush of breath across my chest as Pony's right hand clenches around his brother's name. The skin on my shoulder feels wet before the memory enters my mind.

"_They're lying, Darry! Tell me they're lying!"_

I'm suddenly back home and Ponyboy is begging me to give him his brother back, and I know that there's nothing in the world I can do for him that will ease that ache. His pallor is shifting as he's choking on his own airway, and my life takes a sudden shift from bad to worse.

"Shhhh…" I try to soothe, but my whispers aren't enough for him, and I didn't come this far to give up on him now.

I roll Pony off of me, and press my face into the side of his own. With one hand, I hold the hand of his that's still clutching desperately onto the dog tags that are still wrapped around my neck, and my other hand rests against the right side of his face. My thumb gently rubs his right temple as though Sodapop were there guiding me.

"Breathe, Pony. It's okay to breathe. We're gonna get through this together, I swear to you, but I need you to breathe."

I don't need to turn on the light to know my brother's colour is fading, but I also know he's fighting. He tugs at the ball chain gently before he lets go, and I know then why I'd kept it on all this time. It was for this moment.

I pull the dog tags over my head, and kiss Soda's name before placing the chain over Pony's head; tugging the tags down so they lay in the centre of his chest. I don't even realize that I'm sobbing while I fight to bring my baby brother back to me.

"It's okay now, Ponyboy. He's with us. He'll always be with us. He's right here over your heart; right where he's always been—where he belongs. It's okay to let go now. I've got you—you've got me. Let it go."

The breath Pony lets out comes in a big _whoosh_, and I pull him into me and I kiss his head. His right hand moves to clutch the tags that he now wears, and I think back to what Beth had said: the hardest part wasn't saying goodbye to our brother, the hardest part was learning to live without him. And the ache permanently etched into my heart gave it's pull of truth, but I still had hope that I'd make it through because of the brother that I still had at my side.

XxXxX


	26. Chapter 26

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton

* * *

OoOoO

_Greg,_

_I don't know why you wanna waste your time on me and this doctor thing, but thanks. The last work book you sent helped make sense of a few things even though I still don't get the names of what some things are called. You never make me feel stupid for that. You're like the nicest soc I've ever met. I wish they were all like you._

_I know you don't wanna hear it again, but I owe you my life for what you've done for us, especially Ponyboy. You were patient with us when the decisions were hard, and the waiting was even harder. I wish you knew him before. It would be him under your wing instead of me. He was honestly the smartest person I knew, maybe even more than Darry in some ways. I guess he still is, even with the brain damage. I know it bothers him, but he never complains. I wish I could be more like that. I still get so angry when I think about what was stolen from him, but I have to believe there's a bigger purpose for him. Help him find it Greg. Help Darry see it too._

_I get scared that I won't make it back home. My brothers need me, and I need to be back with them, but I know I have no control over it. I've seen so much death here it's become normal. You'll look out for them, won't you? If I die they won't understand—especially Pony, and Darry will have his hands full trying to keep him up and running. Look out for them for me? I know I don't gotta ask, it's just that you're such a great friend, and you can reach Darry like I don't think anyone else can. And I know how you feel about him. I've seen the way you look at him. Don't worry I'm not mad. It makes me feel better knowing that you really care, kinda like I don't really have to ask what I'm asking._

_Thank you Greg. For everything. Say hi to everyone on the unit for me! I miss you guys!_

_Sodapop Curtis_

* * *

OoOoO

It's late and I'm not the only one that can't seem to sleep. I know that sleeping will now be impossible; Soda's chicken scratch is clawing at my heart even though his words were meant for Greg. I looked over at the good doctor as he sat with his head in his hands. Did my brother know what the war had in store for him? Would it have turned out any different if I'd gone instead of him? It wasn't hard for me to imagine walking through a battlefield with guns and bombs going off in all directions. The last few years of my life hadn't felt any less than that.

I'd wondered what other wheeling and dealing my brother had done without me knowing. But that was just like him. He was the heart and soul of our family—of the whole group of us, really. Forever the mother hen that made sure everyone was looked after, and his absence was a black hole of nothing but emptiness.

Greg's sudden gasp of breath broke my reverie, and the distraught look on his face reminded me that my loss was shared. He looked at me helplessly as he shook his head and shrugged, before burying his face in his hands again to let it all go.

"Hey," I reached over to place a steady hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Greg fought to swallow down his emotions, but he couldn't anymore than I could.

He'd held it in for too long and Sodapop meant that much.

To everyone.

"Don't be sorry. Don't ever be sorry." I squeezed his shoulder before pulling on it and pulling Greg closer to me.

"I'm sorry I couldn't do more." Greg cried into my neck as I nodded and rubbed his back.

"Greg…" I sighed in frustration.

He'd done more for my family than anyone could've, and in the end became part of our tight-knit group. But I understood his guilt. I understood where it came from. It was the guilt that came with the responsibility of caring for something bigger than yourself. It was the guilt of doing the best you could under impossible circumstances, and still having it not be enough.

"You did everything you could. _I _did everything that _I _could. Life has its own plan sometimes. You must know that from what you've seen with your job?"

"I just wanted a happy ending for you, Darry. The three of you have endured enough. I wanted more for you guys. You deserve more." Greg choked.

"I appreciate that, Greg but I know well enough not to believe in fairy tales. Not where I come from, anyways."

"That's so depressing!" Greg shook his head while he barked out a sardonic laugh.

"It's life," I shrugged. "We'll get through, though. Might take a lot of time and a lot of tears…" My mind immediately drifted to the little brother that I still had left who was sound asleep in the spare room down the hall.

I let go of Greg and we sat side-by-side in the silence that wrapped the middle of the night like a blanket, and I was comforted by the fact that Greg got it—he understood. It seemed like we were both older than our ages stated; life leading us to learn more than maybe we were ready to.

"Will he be okay?" Greg looked on at me with concern.

"Pony? You're the doctor, Greg; I was hoping you'd tell me." I huffed sadly.

"He's been listless the last three years, Darry. You're here for a mere second and suddenly he's alive again. Just when I thought I'd seen it all…"

"One thing he's taught me, Greg is don't ever underestimate him. He's fragile, but he's also as strong as they come."

"He gets it from you." Greg grinned at me sideways, but I could only shake my head.

"He's never been given a choice. He had that ripped away the night our parents were killed. He's had to fight every day since."

"And now?"

"And now he's gotta learn how to live without the biggest reason he had to keep going." I rubbed my forehead as I felt the truth ache in my head.

"Him and Soda…?"

"You've seen them. It's…I don't know. It's loyalty, love, and devotion. They're two peas in a pod. Where there was one, there'd be the other. It'd been that way since day one."

"What happens now that Soda's gone?"

I'd been asking myself that same question since pulling dad's old Ford up beside the military car that was parked on our driveway. What was supposed to be one of the best days of my life—the day I asked Beth to be my wife, was also one of the worst days of my life.

It was the day I'd lost my brother and best friend.

"I dunno. I just pray I'm gonna be enough for him."

Greg had insisted on taking the couch for the night, leaving Sandy to worry over whether or not Two-Bit could be a gentleman, and stay serious enough for her to share his room that contained two beds—one for Two-Bit, and one that was normally reserved for Pony.

That left Pony and I in the spare room that was once Greg's, and I thought about how much I'd miss the usual home set-up with a bunch of guys crammed into a too-small home. Of course that thought made me yearn for Sodapop even more, but I swallowed it down; hyper-aware of the brother that was curled up in the middle of the bed beside me.

It was dark in the room, despite the bedside lamp I kept on; an old habit now that I decided shouldn't be broken. I was sitting upright against the headboard and I could feel him watching me carefully while I tried to shut my brain off by reading another Agatha Christie mystery. When I glanced down, there was no particular expression on his face, which made me wonder what he was thinking.

"Y'alright, Ponyboy?" I asked in a whisper.

One blink for yes, but then a realization dawned on me.

"Am I keeping you up? Do you want the light off now?"

His eyebrows creased together before a far off look glazed over his features. And then I felt it—the soft drag of his finger along the long scar creeping out from the bottom of my briefs where the blanket wasn't covering me. I watched him in his fascination and horror, and wondered if he'd written me off like everyone else had.

His finger traced along my own physical reminder of what Soda's death had done to me, and I still felt the shame of that night and my hasty decision to take off when I should've fuckin' stayed put.

Pony mouthed something I couldn't understand; his eyebrows still furrowed as his finger pressed more firmly over the almost-translucent white flesh that had grown in place of the matching shade that was once there on my thigh. I absently placed _Agatha_ face down on the bedside table while I shuffled down into the bed and underneath the covers, hiding the rest of my scars from my brother's pondering eyes.

"What'd you say?" I kept my voice a whisper as I brushed the palm of my hand over his cropped hair—another habit I had no intention of breaking.

Pony's mouth moved, but no sound came out. I watched his lips carefully.

"Hurt?" I clarified.

One blink for yes.

"Do you hurt, Pony?"

A frown and frustrated shake of his head.

"Do I? Does my leg hurt?"

One blink for yes.

"I'm okay. You ain't gotta worry 'bout that."

Pony fumed at me, and I didn't need words to know that he didn't like my answer.

"_Ya gotta let him in, Darry. Quit shuttin' him out!" _Soda's voice rung in my head so clear I wondered if Pony heard it too.

"You're mad. I'm sorry." I apologized for the lie. "Hurts some, but mostly it feels stiff. Kinda feel like an old man." I jibed, and managed to light a spark in my brother's eyes.

His mouth moved again, and I watched closely.

"_What_ _happened_?"

"Just an accident, Pony. I shoulda been more careful. I'm so sorry."

I could hear the train warn me as I continued to pet Pony's head. I broke from my daze when his lips moved again.

"_You_ _died_."

"No, baby. But I was in some rough shape." I answered, without understanding the meaning behind Pony's accusation.

The crease between his eyebrows was back, but he didn't look angry this time. He looked wounded.

"They told you I was dead? You thought I was dead?"

It was more a statement than a question for my brother as his face told me everything I'd ever need to know. Still, he humoured me next with a blink.

Yes.

I nodded wordlessly. What was there to say? I could apologize until I was blue in the face, but I'd never be able to take back what I'd put Ponyboy through, as if it wasn't already killing him to have Sodapop ripped away, but he'd thought I had left too.

"Are you still mad at me? It's okay if you are. You won't hurt my feelings."

Pony just shrugged as his eyes welled up, letting me know that like me—he didn't know what to feel.

"Do you wanna come home…with me?" I asked unsure, because the fact that my brother was now nineteen dawned on my guilt addled brain, and maybe he didn't want to be with me anymore.

"_I'm_ _broke_." His mouth moved as his face tried to mask his distress.

"I'm broken too, baby. I'm broken too."

"_Beth_?"

I smiled at the mention of her.

"She's home waitin' on us, kiddo."

"_Too_ _much_. _I'm_ _in_ _the_ _way_." He started crying.

"I need you. I've gone too long thinkin' I'd never get you back, and I'm broken, Ponyboy. Losin' Soda was enough. I can't lose you…I can't." I took a deep breath to steady my nerves while Pony continued to cry.

"I know you think you're in the way, which is the dumbest thing you've ever said, by the way. But if it makes you feel any better, you can do all the cookin' and maybe polish my tools once in a while."

The snot bubble that popped from his nostril was gross, but made me laugh; especially the way my brother looked so embarrassed as he tried to hide it by covering his nose with his hand.

"Jeeze, kid. You're just gonna get it all over your hand." I lectured lightheartedly as I whipped my T-shirt off, and let my brother use it as a handkerchief—tossing it on the floor carelessly after he was finished.

Pony wiped impatiently at his eyes before settling, and the two of us stared long and hard at each other—both having our own thoughts. I wondered how Pony felt of me then; if he still trusted me to protect him, or if I was just another let-down in a long line of life's disappointments for him. We'd both been conditioned to learn that life would not always be fair to us, but Ponyboy unfortunately had that rule of thumb beaten into him time and again, and he'd carried the scars to prove it.

As if reading my mind, like Sodapop so often was able to, Pony gently held my hand, and brought it up to the side of his head. My fingers lingered over the fibrous tissue that healed over the evidence of what was just a small piece of what he'd been through and survived.

"You're home. Me." His voice garbled like it was being stretched over broken glass, and I hissed and winced as if I could feel the discomfort his trying to speak created.

"Shhhh…don't talk." I worried as I shuffled in the bed to get us into position.

His head found my shoulder as his distorted arm rested across my chest, and it was almost like no time had passed between us except for that one aching loss that we would always feel and share. It was right there in the dim with us as Ponyboy clutched at Sodapop's dog tags that now lived around his neck.

"You're my home too, little buddy."

And that was all that needed to be said.

OoOoO


	27. Chapter 27

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

I'm in awe as my surroundings remind me of just how little and insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things. We're surrounded by tree and rock, and though I've taken a trip or two to go skiing with friends and am no stranger to mountainous terrain, I've never seen anything close to what I was seeing here.

"Whoa,"

It's barely just a breath from me as Two-Bit drives the highway and points out the three monstrous peaks there on the north face, and I know my jaw is hanging loose by the cold intake of air that buzzes across my teeth.

"The Three Sisters."

He points at them, and my arm tightens around Ponyboy as we're spread out in the back seat of Two-Bit's Chevy.

"Where the fuck are we? I mean, what the hell is this place anyways?"

"Just a small coal mining town. They got some big park up the highway a bit. It's gotten pretty touristy according to Doc. Mostly hippy dippy types tryin' to take over and make a buncha hiking trails or some dumb shit like that." Two-Bit grumbled, and it dawned on me uncomfortably that this was home for him now.

"Hiking trails?"

"Yeah, like get a fuckin' car, man or a horse, but they've been bitchin' that the horses are tearin' up the trails like it's the end of the world."

I gave him a strained smile as he looked back at me through the rear-view mirror. He continued to point out landmarks, and the fact that he'd learned so much in a relatively short amount of time made my heart sink.

The Canadian Rockies suddenly swallowed me—my claustrophobia due to the realization that Two-Bit wouldn't be coming back to Tulsa with us. He like Greg, was going to stay behind, and the loneliness I suddenly felt was exacerbated by those towering mountains.

"I'm cold." I commented absently, but it had little to do with the climate and everything to do with the fact that despite my best efforts, my life was going to continue to be hanging upside down and backwards.

Pony curled into my side a little more, and I couldn't help but smile. It was going to be difficult but having him back with me would soften the blow. I just hoped that he'd find that same comfort in me.

"The first winter here I just about froze my nuts off," Two-Bit chuckled. "Then you learn how to cope. Buy a snow suit, boots, the works."

"Just how cold does it get, anyways?" I asked apprehensively as Ponyboy burrowed a little more into me for dramatic effect.

"Fuckin' cold. We had a week of minus thirty last year, 'member that kid?" Two-Bit craned his neck to wink at Pony.

Pony blinked.

"Minus thirty? That's Canadian temperature. What the hell is that in American?" I asked as Two-Bit turned the car into a parking lot suddenly.

"When it's that cold, it don't matter where you're from. Here we are." He parked the car and turned around grinning.

"What's this?" It looked like a service station.

"Husky. They've got a killer breakfast. I'll go grab the chair from the trunk. You grab the kid."

"Chair?"

My eyes followed Two-Bit as he slid out of the car and made his way to the back to pop open the trunk. I heard him pull something out of the back, and then the tinkering and adjusting of something before the trunk closed and I caught him grinning again. What I couldn't believe, and absolutely shouldn't have surprised me was him pulling a wheelchair up next to the back door.

"C'mon, I'm hungry!" He urged as he opened the door so I could slide myself and then Ponyboy out.

"Where the hell did you get that?" I looked at him awestruck, but then a thought crossed my mind. "Jesus Christ, Two-Bit! You liftin' wheelchairs from the hospital now?"

He laughed, but didn't deny it, even when I shook my head at him in disapproval.

"You ready, little buddy?" I leaned into the car and watched for my brother's signal.

One blink for yes, but his face showed anything but happiness.

"We ain't used this thing yet. But since you ain't playin' possum no more, Pony..." Two-Bit sassed my brother with a huge grin.

"You okay, Ponyboy?" I checked with him before scooping him out of the back seat.

His eyes closed but didn't open again. A pained expression covered his features before his face tinted a deep scarlet, and I realized my brother's embarrassment.

"Hey," I jostled him a bit to get him to look at me.

His eyes opened, but he didn't look any more at ease.

"It's okay if you don't wanna go in. We can go back home if you want."

His mouth moved to tell me that people were staring. I looked around and noticed the curious watchers from people fuelling their cars.

"Hell kid, they just ain't ever seen how three hoods from Oklahoma could be so goddamned good looking. Don't sweat it." Two-Bit rubbed Pony's head.

"Well? Whadaya think?" I asked.

Pony frowned a little before cocking an eyebrow and looking down at the wheelchair.

"Atta boy!" Two-Bit encouraged, and I couldn't help the proud grin that took over my face as I set my brother down into the stolen set of wheels.

"What about you, Superman? Your walkin' stick's in the front." Two-Bit checked in, but I just waved him off.

"Feed me," was all I answered as I steered Pony towards the door.

It's strange the things you grow accustomed to. The turf wars I'd grown up seeing, and even fighting my fair share in were now on their way out, but the animosity between the social classes was still thick enough to cut with a knife. I wasn't used to kind gestures or words of encouragement from strangers. Rarely would we venture out to the west side of Tulsa. The risk of trouble was too big. There were hangouts both sides of town would occupy, but no good ever seemed to come from the rich and poor existing in the same space.

My mind drifted off, taking me back to "The Freezing Cow" when Soda and I decided to haul Ponyboy out and treat him to some ice cream. What was supposed to be an easy-going day ended up being a nightmare after one cruel and humiliating encounter with a bunch of heartless socs. So, you can imagine my apprehension when a man came sauntering over to us while watching me try to maneuver the wheelchair up over the edge of the cement walkway.

"Hey buddy, let me help!"

I was on the defensive immediately; my eyes stone as the guy helped Two-Bit hoist the other side of the wheelchair and my brother up onto the walk. I clenched my fists and waited for the onslaught of names and taunts that would be directed at Ponyboy, but they never came.

"Hey man, thanks!" Two-Bit grinned and started shaking hands with him.

"No problem. It wouldn't be hard for them to put in ramps, 'eh? You guys need a hand in?"

"Yeah, if you don't mind catchin' the door for us." Two-Bit took a hold of the chair, and carefully wheeled Pony through the glass door.

I stood there like an idiot, not knowing how to react. The guy looked at me cautiously; a young, ordinary guy that was probably about my age. He held the door expectantly, but I just stayed frozen; unsure of what to do.

"You alright, pal?"

"Thank you. I'm sorry, I'm just not used to decent people."

"You aren't from around here are you? Your voice…"

"Oklahoma," I shook my head.

"The hell you say!" The guy smiled. "Well you're a long way from home then. Welcome to Canada!"

I nodded; suddenly not able to contain my smile. I felt the pat on my back as I walked through the door that was still being held open for me. I turned back and raised a hand in acknowledgement and thanks before finding the table Two-Bit had picked out.

"You sure this ain't in the way, Sharon?"

Two-Bit and a waitress were moving chairs and making room to tuck Ponyboy in where he wouldn't clutter the diner. They'd managed to seat him next to the window, leaving an outside seat beside him still available for me. Two chairs sat opposite.

"Don't be ridiculous, Two-Bit. We'll make the room." She smiled as she wiped down the table. "Three menus?"

She grinned as she eyed me up and down, and I smiled as I shucked off my jacket; placing it over the back of the chair and took the seat that was next to my brother's.

"Just one, Sharon. I'll have the usual, but we'll let Muscles here take a gander."

"Sounds good, honey. Can I get you boys something to drink first?"

"Yeah I'll get a water, and a coffee for Darry, right?" Two-Bit looked at me knowingly.

"Yeah, just black thank you." I looked up at Sharon and gave her a grin that she readily returned.

"Alright, what about you sweetheart?" She looked at Ponyboy.

"He's good, Sharon."

"Okay, I'll be back in a bit." She replied slowly, before turning away to get our drinks.

"You come here a lot?" It was more a statement than a question, but it had Two-Bit huff a laugh regardless.

"Boy, if that ain't the worst pick-up line in the history of mankind."

We chuckled uncomfortably, both knowing the conversation to come. I looked over to my left and sighed worriedly; Ponyboy's chin was tucked to his chest and he'd nodded off already.

"I hate that shit we gotta give 'em. Knocks him on his ass not even an hour after he takes it." Two-Bit commented before soberly looking out the window.

"So do the seizures. Six in one; half a dozen the other, I guess. They been worse since coming up here?" I asked.

"Honestly, with him bein' so quiet I stopped being able to tell. I just felt so goddamned bad for the kid, y'know? Fuckin' felt like I let him down, Darry. First Sodapop, then you supposedly. I couldn't do nothin' for him that would make it better. It was guttin' me, Darry. You don't know how much."

"I'm sorry," I started but paused as Sharon returned with a water for Two-Bit, and a coffee for me.

"Did you get a chance to look at the menu, hon? Or do you need a few more minutes?"

"Uhhhh," I stared at her apron distractedly. "Y'know I think I'll just have what he's having. He's never led me astray before; I don't think he'll start now."

"Alright then, two breakfast specials. Good choice! We'll get that right in, boys."

"Thanks, Sharon!" Two-Bit called after her as she turned around to head for the kitchen in the back before eyeing me. "Y'know there's a lot of work here. Construction, mining, oilfield. It's a great place to start over."

"Come home." I looked at him desperately.

Two-Bit huffed sadly. "I knew you were gonna say that."

"Come home with us. Nothin's gotta change. You have a room of your own. You practically run that place…"

"And do what, Darry? I'm a draft dodger. I get home and they throw my ass in jail. Y'know I've cheated, I've stole, I've lied, but I don't think I belong there do you? And I ain't goin' to go fight in some shitstorm that killed one of the best guys I ever knew. I won't. I watch the news—even up here they show people spittin' on the soldiers that make it back; callin' 'em baby killers after they've been shot up and had their limbs ripped off! What the hell are we fightin' for, huh?" Two-Bit had clearly worked himself up enough that we were drawing attention to ourselves.

"I came here for you. Keith, I don't know if I can do all this without you. Your crazy ass keeps me sane."

"So now you go home with Pony instead. That's what's meant to be, I'm only sorry I couldn't do more for him—do more with him. You and Sodapop are a lot to live up to."

"I don't wanna leave without you." I felt like sobbing but knew I couldn't.

"Stay," Two-Bit shrugged. "Stay and start over. Send for Beth and move up here. It's different up here Darry. The people here are just ordinary people. I can go anywhere and not be marked lousy just 'cause I grew up on the wrong side of Tulsa."

"Y'mean move up here?" I looked on at Two-Bit like he'd just grew horns.

Two-Bit shrugged. "Why not? I did. Doc did. It wasn't easy but it's not impossible."

"I can't just pick up and leave Tulsa."

"Why not?" Two-Bit posed the question.

"I've got roots there, Two-Bit. My life is there."

"What roots? Your life is in a wheelchair sitting beside you in a diner up here in Alberta. What's tying you to Oklahoma?"

"Beth," I started but Two-Bit cut me off.

"Beth ain't even from there—she's from these parts, so what's there holding you back?"

"I can't leave him there alone. I can't leave Soda there." I said quietly.

Even though my brother had been buried next to my parents like he'd asked, I couldn't stomach the thought of leaving him behind. He was gone from our lives, but I still couldn't leave him. It felt as though I'd be abandoning him, and I promised I'd always be there no matter what. I was his big brother; it was my job.

"I get it," Two-Bit nodded, and Sharon was at our table placing our meals in front of us.

It was quiet between us as we ate breakfast. There was so much to say, and yet none of it would make a difference to either of us. Two-Bit's life had taken him on a different path, and I couldn't fault him for not wanting to come back with me. There was nothing left in Tulsa for him but a cold jail cell, or hateful protesters that didn't have a clue what it cost us to be free, and as much as it was killing me I couldn't let him come back even if he _did _want to. I owed him that much; after all the years of standing beside me in friendship and brotherhood, it was my turn to support and protect him.

"I'm gonna miss you, brother." I mumbled into my coffee cup before emptying it.

Two-Bit nodded quietly. His looked over at Ponyboy quickly as his eyes glassed over, but remained quiet while looking longingly out the window of the diner. Keith Mathews had been a permanent fixture in my life for as long as I could remember. He'd been there for the triumphs and the bloodshed in my life; never once asking for anything in return until now.

"We can call each other and write any time. It's not like Vietnam, Darry. I ain't gonna disappear."

I laughed in spite of my tear's betrayal, and nodded.

"You better not, or I'm gonna come back up here and beat the tar outta you."

Two-Bit cocked an eyebrow and proceeded to grin like the Cheshire Cat.

"Promise?"

"I promise."


	28. Chapter 28

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

"There's nothin' to it really. Once it's all blended it goes in easy. Just make sure you plug the end up or you'll get shit everywhere."

I watched as Two-Bit proceeded to push supper through a tube that ran into my brother's stomach with a big syringe. I cringed a little inside at the sight; the thought of how brutal it was to have somebody poke a hole through your body just so you wouldn't starve to death. A part of me also wished I'd had the same ease when it came to making sure my brother was provided with enough nourishment. He was still small for his age, but his belly was now rounded and swollen especially in comparison to his thin extremities.

Two-Bit continued to push mashed potatoes and gravy through the feeding tube, and I was relieved by how simple it all seemed. I could literally feed Ponyboy whatever was around, provided that Beth and I got one of those blender things. No more depending on Greg to steal formula from the hospital. No more nagging and threatening Ponyboy when he wasn't eating enough. My life had taken a huge turn for the easier, or at least I thought so until I noticed the empty look on my brother's face.

"Ponyboy, you okay?" I asked as I reached over to place my hand on his shoulder.

His eyes met mine; desolate and tired, and when he gave me a shrug as if to say it didn't matter, I was a little ashamed. I'd been so preoccupied with how easy the feeding tube would be for _my_ life, I didn't stop to think about what it was like for my brother.

"He can't eat?" I looked behind me to Greg. "Maybe now that he's lucid we can give it a go."

"Darry, he's got too many issues with his airway and throat. I'm worried about him choking and aspirating. I just don't think it's a good idea."

I looked over at my brother again and watched as he seemed to just disappear into himself. His eyes were blank; staring off at nothing, and I began to realize that my brother's condition was going to be anything but easy.

"Forever?" I asked heartbroken.

"I don't know." Greg answered sadly. "That'll be up to his physician."

"_You're_ his physician, Greg! I mean, throw me a fuckin' bone here!"

The harsh reality of Two-Bit and Greg staying behind stung as it slapped me in the face. Ponyboy looked completely miserable, and though he may have been slow I could tell that he'd figured out what was going on.

We were leaving without our friends.

"It's going to be okay, Darry. You and Beth will be okay with him. You're more than capable." Greg moved to sit beside Two-Bit and across from me.

"Shit, Darry. If I can do this, anyone can." Two-Bit grinned, but the look on my brother's face stole any urge I might have had for happiness.

"It's Ponyboy, not some fucking object or experiment."

"Of course not, Darry." Greg looked at me carefully.

"He's a person, and we're sittin' around talkin' over and above him like he ain't even here. Stop it! Stop it!"

I grabbed the syringe from Two-Bit, and yanked it out of the tube and tossed it aside; watching in despair as stomach contents backed their way out of my brother's body and out of the tube onto his clothing, leaving Two-Bit to scramble to clamp it closed.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Greg reached out to steady me. "It's okay, Darry."

"It's not okay! My brother used to be somebody! He wasn't always like this…broken! He used to be somebody." I broke down.

"Darry, he still is someone! C'mon, Superman. Ya gotta know how much I love him. It's Ponyboy! I didn't mean nothin', I was just tryin' to show you the ropes of this thing. I didn't mean to hurt you or Pony by it." Two-Bit grabbed my knee and squeezed.

"I'm sorry," I grimaced through clenched teeth while shoving my hands in my hair; leaning over to catch my breath.

"It's easy to forget about how traumatic this can be, Darry. That was insensitive of me." Greg started, but I just sat up shaking my head.

There was no use in denial or harping on what was never going to be. My brother's condition had deteriorated in my absence, and this time it was permanent. I had no choice but to accept it.

"I gotta do this," I let my hands fall to my lap; surrendering to the inevitable. "I'm sorry for the mess; let's just feed him and get it over with."

They didn't say anything; only gave each other a look before finishing up with my brother, and we didn't speak of it again.

* * *

"God, this place is incredible!"

The mountains are less threatening in the night when they're hidden behind darkness. My brother and I are wrapped up in a quilt together as we share a spot on the lounger in front of Two-Bit's outdoor fire pit. Sandy's gone off to bed early—readying herself for the long trip home that'll start at the crack of dawn.

It's quiet except for the crackling of the fire, as Greg, Two-Bit, myself and Ponyboy gaze up at the night sky and admire the countless stars scattered everywhere. For awhile it's easy to forget about how empty life will be once day breaks.

"How long will you take?" Greg asks.

I shrug in return. "I'd like to take a few days, but Sandy's itchin' to get back to the kid. Can't say that I blame her. I guess we'll see."

"He's gotta be ginormous by now?" Two-Bit grinned, and I returned the expression proudly.

"Yeah, he's somethin' else. To be honest I kinda wished we brought him, but Beth was happy to take him on. I'm a little jealous she gets all this time with him all to herself."

The three of us chuckled lightly. Pony was still staring up into the night.

"He still look like him?" Two-Bit asked hesitantly; maybe wondering if the question would be too painful to answer.

"He's beautiful," I nodded before adding "just like his daddy." I smiled softly.

The truth was, that at first it hurt like hell when Sandy and Jack landed on the doorstep, and not just because he was the spitting image of my brother. It about killed me to know that he'd never remember his daddy. He'd never know how crazy Soda was about him; how much he was loved. He'd never grow up having a daddy that would stop at nothing to make him happy.

It was a dream never realized and even though he was dead, I hurt for Sodapop. I knew he would've been the best dad imaginable; maybe even better then our own. Nobody I ever knew loved more deeply and honestly than my brother Soda.

"Maybe you guys will come up again—spend a little longer. Bring Beth next time."

"I want that," I answered quickly because I meant it.

A part of me was tempted by Two-Bit's idea of just hauling Beth back up north and starting over. It was a comforting idea—starting life over again far away from the past and all of the reminders of everything that tried to tear us apart. But there was also that physical pull—a need to return to Tulsa and to the brother that was buried next to my mom and dad.

"I do too. This ain't the end, Darry. I can't ever go back, but that don't mean it's the end."

I nodded, and managed an actual smile at Two-Bit's words. They gave me hope—hope that even though life had brought about some drastic changes, the important things would remain.

Friendship and brotherhood.

I felt Ponyboy shift, and I looked down to watch as he rubbed his face along my collarbone. His eyes were closed and he was hunkering down to sleep for the night; seemingly oblivious to the fact that his mattress was actually me. His body melted as he let go of consciousness; his right hand holding a fistful of my shirt and I laughed at how sweet he looked.

"See?" Greg's voice broke into my thoughts. "Everything will be okay."

We left before the sun came up. I was barely finished tucking Ponyboy in his side of the bed when Sandy was up and packing her bag. It'd been over a week, and she wanted to be with Jack again, and I couldn't argue—I was missing Beth something awful. The problem was the fact that I hadn't gotten a lick of sleep. The hours zipped by while Two-Bit, Greg, and I were up talking. Reminiscing. Saying goodbye, which was a good thing since there was no time to do that once Sandy was ready to go.

She was at the wheel first so that I could sleep, and Ponyboy was stretched out in the back seat as we headed back to the United States and away from Canada and our friends; part of our family. I wasn't sure if Pony realized that coming home meant leaving Two-Bit and Greg behind, but he didn't ask any questions and he didn't raise a fuss when they both squeezed him tight before saying goodbye.

The stops were few and far between. Gas, bathroom, food to eat while we drove, and one rest stop so I could clean Pony up. We left on a Tuesday and Wednesday evening around supper time, I was pulling the car into the driveway; a sigh of relief as I put it in park and turned off the ignition. I was beat.

Without a word, Sandy bolted from the car and ran for the front door, and I couldn't help but smile softly. I knew she'd missed her son, but it wasn't until that exact moment that I realized how much. She'd never said how much she missed him, in fact she'd barely spoke at all. There was an aura of mystery that surrounded her, and I wondered if I'd done something to make it difficult for her to talk to me—open up to me.

The thoughts disappeared when my gaze drifted back towards the front door, and I saw my wife standing there with a cautious look on her face. I opened the car door and eased my way from behind the steering wheel as she slowly took the steps down from the porch.

"He didn't come."

It wasn't a question, and her eyes welled up as she saw plainly that Two-Bit didn't make the trip back home like we'd both hoped.

"His life is there now." I shrugged as I sighed. "He can't come back or the government will throw him in jail."

"Draft dodger," Beth nodded; her face a grim expression of what she knew and like me, didn't want to be true. "I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry."

I nodded as I quietly shut the car door. I looked at her, trying to hide a grin but failing miserably as I took the few steps backwards to open the back door. Beth frowned, trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me I'm sure, and I laughed out loud at her expression.

"What exactly are you up to, Darrel Curtis?" Beth looked annoyed; her hand on her hip.

I winked at her before I crouched down enough to be able to pull my brother up and out of the car.

Both of her hands flew up; clasping over her mouth to keep me from hearing her sobs, but the look on her face told me everything. I nudged the back door shut with my hip and carefully walked myself along with my brother closer to her. Her eyes spilled, and I heard her take a ragged breath as I stopped in front of her and leaned in to kiss her hair.

"Darry," I teased, and took a deep breath as my heart throbbed at the sight of her.

Her hands moved to cover her eyes; as though she could hide the fact that she was crying from me. "You found him!" She sobbed.

"Hey," I nudged her wholeheartedly since my arms were too occupied to wrap her in them. "It's okay, doll. We got our family back."

She uncovered her eyes and nodded; her hands reaching for my face before she moved in and kissed me. I felt a peace settle as I felt her lick into my mouth and I tasted the salt from her tears. And once again, just when I thought it was impossible to love her anymore, her hands slipped from my face to hold onto Pony's.

"Oh, sweetie! I missed you so much!"

A few more tears slipped by as she rested her cheek on Ponyboy's forehead before kissing him there, and I clenched my eyes and laughed out loud when I noticed the dusting of pink that suddenly painted his cheeks.

"We're home, little buddy." I announced.

The eyelashes that shadowed the top of his cheekbones fluttered before a pair of grey eyes looked up at me, and then over to Beth, and I couldn't help but think of Sodapop when Ponyboy's face lit up brighter than the sun itself.

"Beth," he mouthed through that smile; and his blush grew deeper as Beth bombarded his face with kisses.

"Yeah, pumpkin. its me!" She cried.

"Let's get him inside. The both of us need to clean up a bit."

"Yeah…yes, okay,"

Beth moved to walk beside me; one hand resting on the back of my arm while the other stroked through Pony's hair. We took the stairs together side-by-side and didn't break contact until we got to the door, when Beth let go of her boys and held the door open for them.

"Babe, where's your cane?" She looked at me concerned.

I shrugged. "Guess I don't need it anymore."


	29. Chapter 29

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

"Mmmm…" I rumbled deep in my chest as I pressed my face into the soft palm that stroked over my beard.

"You two okay?"

I opened my eyes to see Beth sitting beside me on the edge of Soda and Pony's bed; her eyes glowing with as much love and affection as I felt for her. Pony was tucked into my other side—attached to me like he was another limb. After our bath, the idea was to settle him until he was asleep and then I could sneak off back to the company of my wife. Unfortunately the long drive and emotional reunion had me passed out right along with him.

"We're good," I answered before turning into her hand to kiss it, and smiled back when she smiled at me.

"Are you hungry? Sandy said you didn't stop for hardly anything—you two must be starving?"

"Hmmm…" I shrugged, not wanting to confirm or deny her statement.

Beth was my rock, and I'd drug her down to the depths of a lot of pain and baggage that I owned. It was my job as her husband to protect her now. She didn't need to be worrying over how Sandy and I traded the driver's seat to make the long trek without a break; a day and a half of straight driving.

"What time is it?" I spoke softly so as not to disturb Ponyboy, who looked about as comfortable as I'd remembered ever seeing him.

"Early enough for me to dish up some supper for you both." Beth smiled before she leaned in and pressed her lips softly against mine. "I missed you, Darry."

"I missed you too. Next time you're comin'." I whispered before stealing another kiss.

"Deal!" Her eyes sparkled. "Now wake Ponyboy so I can feed my men."

"What's for supper?" I grinned as I began to slowly untuck myself from my brother's arms and legs, reaching for Sodapop's old pillow to press against Pony's front while he rolled himself into the warm spot my body left.

I watched as he pressed his face into the pillow, breathing in deeply, and wondered if he could still smell his brother on it after all this time that'd passed. I ached for him—not just for Soda, but I ached for Ponyboy too, because I knew this world was going to be that much harder for him to deal with without his brother by his side.

I reached down and ran my fingers through his hair.

"Fried chicken and potato salad. Are you not waking him?" Beth looked on at me in a confusion that just got stronger when I shook my head.

"He can't," I tried to explain, but I still couldn't deal with the fact that my brother wasn't able to feed himself anymore.

"What do you mean? Darry, what happened?"

I frowned when I saw the worry on her face, and I slowly bent over to gently pull the covers down from Ponyboy. I checked to see that he was still asleep when I pulled up on his undershirt to expose the tube that hung from his abdomen.

She took a deep breath and held it while her hands came up to cover her eyes. When she let that breath go slowly, her hands moved across and down her face; over her mouth while she looked up to the ceiling as though in prayer. I didn't know what to say—I was pretty sure I didn't need to be explaining anything to her since she was a nurse, but I still felt like some sort of explanation was in order.

"Okay, so it was that bad for him." Beth nodded as she spoke under her breath, and I nodded back before pulling the bed covers back over my brother.

"There's a few things Greg sent. They're in the trunk. Says he don't think he'll ever eat again—his throat…" My hand came up to wrap around my own throat as though Beth needed me to draw her a picture.

"Greg would know Darry, but it doesn't mean it's forever. We can get another opinion."

"Who from—Dr. Pederson? The guy's a putz." I grumbled beneath my breath and Beth bit back a laugh.

"So you keep telling me." She rolled her eyes. "Darry, I'll ask around work and see if I can't get some advice. There are a lot of great doctors who'd be willing to help us out."

"Nobody would before; not before Greg." I answered her doubtfully; already missing my friend.

Greg was a one in a million sort of doctor. He was a one in a million sort of friend.

"I think that had more to do with you than him, Darry." Beth grinned knowingly.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh Darry, c'mon! Greg has it _so_ bad for you!" She giggled, and my heart thumped.

"What? How…how did you know?" I asked; a little more than freaked out about my wife knowing about the feelings my brother's doctor had for me, and if it would change what it meant for our friendship in the future.

"You mean _you_ know? How did _you_ find out?"

Beth looked shocked that her husband could put two-and-two together, and it embarrassed me a little since I actually couldn't. I only figured it out because Greg had spilled his guts out to me before…

"He kissed me." I shrugged nonchalantly.

She didn't have to know the truth; that I was clueless. Fuck, even Tim and Two-Bit Mathews knew which made me an even bigger moron. That knowledge didn't need to be shared.

"He did?"

Oddly enough my wife didn't look upset or even offended by the fact that a colleague—a friend of hers had made a pass at me. A male one at that!

I nodded.

"How was it?" She waggled her eyebrows teasingly.

I shrugged. "S'okay, I guess. Nice 'n soft, strong lips, but I wasn't a fan of the stubble."

Beth gawked at me for about two seconds before rolling her eyes and letting her face break out into a ginormous smile.

"I love you!" She all but gushed as she wrapped her arms around my waist and kissed my jaw. "I love you so much, Darry."

"Why, 'cause I got kissed by a man?" I snorted.

"No. I love you because you didn't flip out over it. Greg's an angel, and he's had a shitty life. You taking him in and making him part of your family means everything to him. I'm so glad he told you." Beth shook her head in relief before she let go of me and walked out of the room.

I looked down at Ponyboy before I quickly followed her into the kitchen.

"You mean, you're okay that the good doctor kissed me and professed his undying love for me?"

Okay, so I was over-exaggerating the facts a little, and Beth called my bluff.

"Oh, please," she rolled her eyes before she grabbed a plate from the cupboard and placed it on the table. "Undying love? Good grief, Curtis—layin' it on a little thick, aren't you?"

I laughed at her antics. One second she's telling me she loves me and the next she's so blasé about the whole thing. She gave as good as she could take, and I did enjoy these moments where we played. I followed her around the kitchen like a lovesick fool because I really was one.

"You ain't jealous…about my secret boyfriend?" I grinned as I stepped up behind her while she was at the ice box pulling out a bowl of potato salad, and I wrapped my arms around her.

"Secret?" She burst out laughing. "Jeeze, Darry. Even Tim Shepard knows about your boyfriend!"

"You knew about that? Wait…" I looked at her incredulously as I stepped away; my palms up as I shrugged in disbelief while Beth burst out laughing at my expense.

"Sit down," she rolled her eyes at me again and placed the salad in the middle of the table before going back to the ice box to grab the chicken.

I sat down in a huff; a little more than embarrassed by the fact that I didn't know about Greg and his feelings as quickly as everyone else around me it seemed. I wondered if I was really that ignorant, or maybe it was just that I didn't care. I knew that Greg had a good heart, and after all he'd done for Ponyboy and Sodapop, the fact that he was gay didn't make a difference in how I felt. It never did and never would. He would always be a part of me.

"Are you pouting?" Beth teased as she started dishing food out onto my plate.

"I thought I was special," I teased back with a shrug, and the two of us broke out into laughter.

"Oh, you're special! Don't worry about that, hon. You're all kinds of special!" Beth giggled and I just rolled my eyes with a dorky smile.

I was so in love, and so glad to be home with my wife.

* * *

I could smell the rich aroma of one of the best inventions ever known to man—coffee. That's when I rolled over from having my face shoved into what I thought was still Beth's hair, only to find that it was her pillow instead.

The sun peeked through the curtains of our bedroom and I grinned wickedly as I stretched out like a cat that's hit a sunspot; still feeling Beth's hands and mouth on me from when we made love throughout the night.

Life was back to normal—or its new normal as I let myself acknowledge just how empty I'd been with both of my brothers gone from my life. It'd be a struggle learning to live without Sodapop, but I felt strongly reassured with Ponyboy home, even if Ponyboy wasn't quite himself. I had hope. Having him back home gave me hope.

I continued groaning and stretching in bed, and let out a roar of sorts when I heard Beth and Sandy's voices in the kitchen and could start to smell the first signs of breakfast getting started. My stomach garbled at me and I decided then was a good time to drag my sorry butt out of bed.

I threw on a clean change of clothes and headed down the hallway. I was headed for the bathroom to empty my bladder and wash up, but decided quickly to check on Pony first. Beth caught my eye from the kitchen as I held onto the bedroom door knob.

"The coffee's on. Give us a few for breakfast?" She smiled, and I could've melted into the floor with the memories of what she'd done to me during the night.

"Sounds good, doll." I winked and then turned to open the door.

There are some things in life you're never prepared for; things you're not prepared to face. Beth had successfully managed to distract me from reality, albeit for one night, and it felt good. It felt good, and it felt like things were normal again and that I'd forgotten, but the one thing I wasn't prepared for ended the dream.

It was like he wasn't gone. For a second or maybe two, I could believe it was Soda lying there in that bed with Jack in his arms. I could feel my throat swell, and I couldn't swallow—hell, I couldn't even breathe as I stood there watching. I was drowning in a sea of yearning; knowing but not letting myself feel just how much I wanted my brother back. But it was a fool's wish, and reality hit when Ponyboy jerked in his sleep, and I saw that broken wing of his curl around Jack to bring him even closer. I shut the door.

"You ready, babe? Just a few more minutes and we can figure out what to feed Pony...Darry?"

I heard her voice but couldn't follow her words, and she knew. I could tell that she knew when my eyes dragged up from staring at my feet to meet hers. I didn't want to cause a commotion, and I didn't want her worrying or feeling bad for me so I nodded to let her know I needed to get my bearings. I headed for the door; hoping the fresh air would help me snap back.

… "_Did you know Mr. Bergman is a bird fanatic?"_

_Finally being able to take Ponyboy home from the hospital had been such a relief that I wasn't prepared for just how hard it would be. It was only a matter of time before I'd have to start back at work, and I couldn't even begin to think of how I was going to manage that with as much care as my brother needed._

_He'd woken up screaming again despite the fact he barely had a voice to speak with, and I knew who was haunting his dreams but there was nothing I could do. It felt like an eternity before he felt safe enough to fall back to sleep, but only after I tucked him into the middle of my bed along with his brother. _

_The sun was just starting to peek above the horizon, and I couldn't catch my breath; berating myself for all the mistakes I'd made and for not being or doing enough to save my baby brother from the horror he had to go through. Just when I thought I'd talked myself into a frenzy, along comes Sodapop; planting his ass down on the step beside me._

"_Pulls his Caddy into the DX—wants the works. Brakes, oil, tires rotated. Old lady even came along to pick him up so he can leave his car in the garage."_

"_Hmmm," I respond noncommittal since I'm more interested in feeling sorry for myself than my brother's stupid shop talk._

"_Yeah, he's gotta sweet ride. Did y'know there's dead birds in the back?"_

_That caught my attention, and I looked at Sodapop like he was full of shit. It wouldn't be the first time he told a tall tale and tried to get me to believe it._

"_Fuck you, Soda." I frowned._

"_No, no! I'm serious! He's got a few stuffed birds in the back seat—from the taxi place, y'know?"_

_I looked at Soda like he'd lost his marbles. "The taxi place?"_

"_Yeah!" He smiled as though I had any clue what he was trying to say._

"_What the fuck are you talkin' about? What taxi place?"_

"_Y'know, where they stuff dead animals. There was a duck and I think it was an owl or hawk, but it creeped me out a little so I didn't get a good look." He shrugged._

"_The taxidermist?" I could feel the grin pulling at my mouth. "Y'mean to tell me this guy has a buncha birds sent to the taxidermist and he keeps them all in the back seat of his Cadillac?"_

"_Taxidermist! Yeah, that's it! Boy howdy, talk about a wackadoo, right?"_

"_Bergman the birdman." I mumbled, forgetting about the fact I'd been stressed out to the max over Ponyboy not a minute before._

_Soda chuckled as he shuffled closer to me on the step; his arm draped loosely across my shoulders while he sort of head-butted my arm._

"_Birdman. I'm stealing that."_

"_Steal away," I nodded as I looked back out to the sky._

"_He don't know you do this, y'know?" Soda's voice became softer._

"_Do what?"_

"_Watch the sunrise."_

"_Who? Birdman?" I asked confused._

"_No! Pony, dipshit!" Soda rolled his eyes at me._

"_I guess not," I shrugged. "He ain't ever up this early to see it. He likes watchin' it go down."_

_We sat in silence for a moment, but I could feel his eyes on me. Sure enough as I turned my head to look at him, he was beaming at me with a big dopey smile._

"_What the hell are you lookin' at?" I felt a little self-conscious._

"_You. I'm hungry. Feed me."_

_I burst out laughing. "Feed yourself, you jerk! What am I, your personal cook?"_

"_I want crusty flapjacks and maple syrup." He bat his eyelashes at me as though I were one of the many girls he was trying to persuade out of their panties._

"_C'mon! You make 'em the best. The edges are always crispy. Mine always turn out…"_

"_Green?" I offered, and chuckled lightly when Sodapop pretended to be offended._

_I wrapped my arm around his neck and pulled him in roughly towards me; kissing his hair and all of its greased-up glory. I pushed him away and wiped my face in mock disgust._

"_Cripes almighty, Pepsi! You save any hair grease for later, or did you use it all in one go?"_

"_Ha ha ha," he rolled his eyes before proceeding to stick his tongue out at me._

_I smiled at him—all bad thoughts momentarily forgotten. That was Soda. That was his gift. Some days I felt like I had the world on my shoulders, and when the weight of it started to get too much for me, Soda would lighten the load with just a whisper. I'd never have to say anything. He knew me as though we were the same person._

"_I love you," I reached out to squeeze his hand._

"_Yeah well, prove it. Feed me!" He grinned mischievously…_

"I'm sorry." Sandy's voice startled me from my reverie, and like so many times my brother had done, Sandy planted her ass beside me on the front step from the porch.

"What are you sorry for?" My voice cracked as I willed myself not to break down and cry over my dead brother.

"I forgot how close y'all boys are—were. I used to get so jealous when Soda would back out of a date 'cause he wanted to stay in and be with his brothers. I never got it, I guess. I want Jack to know that kind of love; you can give him the kind of love his daddy can't."

I nodded, still unable to speak—still consumed with the picture of Ponyboy cradling Jack and how badly it made me want Soda back. I could've swore it was Sodapop himself.

"When all of this is over, I just want you to know that I never meant to hurt you or Ponyboy. I never wanted that. I just want what's best."

I didn't know what she meant by that, and maybe I should've asked her, but I was still trying to gather my wits about me as I tried to push the picture of Ponyboy and Jack from my mind, and the pain it seemed to create.

"You're heading back to Jacksonville?"

"I been gone too long, but it was worth it if it got Ponyboy back to you. I kept my promise to him."

"You could stay. You're family, Sandy—you and Jack. You always have a home here."

I didn't want her to leave, but I knew that she would. I could feel there was something she was keeping from me, but I didn't push. I didn't think it was my place.

"Soda said you'd say that. Said you had the biggest heart in Oklahoma." I watched as a lone tear slid down her cheek. "But as long as my mama and daddy are around, there ain't no place for me here. They don't accept Jack, then it's the same as not accepting me."

"_We_ do…accept you." I wanted her to know that despite the past, she was my family.

"You're as sweet as him." She smiled and reached over to cup my face in her hand. "Thank you."

"When are you leaving?" I grabbed her hand from my cheek and squeezed it gently.

"Maybe in a few days. Give you enough time to love up on Jack. He's absolutely in love with you and Ponyboy…just like his daddy is—was."

"You'll stay in touch? Addresses, phone numbers, the whole bit Sandy. I ain't kidding around. I meant what I said. You're my family."

She nodded as a look covered her face, almost like she was in pain, and she rested her head on my shoulder like Sodapop had done so many times before. Nothing else was said as we sat out on the front porch, just peaceful silence as I held her hand in mine.


	30. Chapter 30

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

"Darry!" I heard Beth's voice yelling from the front door just as I was hauling mine and Pony's asses out of the tub.

It was one of the things that became a new normal. He was still in a weakened state, and I was too goddamned scared to leave him in the tub by his lonesome, so instead of my usual morning shower, I switched to jumping in the tub with him in the evenings; forgetting about adult dignity and privacy by acting as though we were both kids again. And if it was also saving me a bundle on the water bill every month well, that was just an added bonus.

"Yeah, in here!" I hollered back. "Hold on, we ain't decent yet!" I added as I grabbed the bath towel and proceeded to wrap Ponyboy with it.

"It came!" Beth's voice sounded excited from the other side of the door.

"What came? You can come in; he's covered."

The door opened as my wife peered in; feigning shock at the sight of her naked husband as he was wrapping up his little brother like a burrito in towel and setting him down to sit on the toilet seat.

"Darrel! You said you were decent!" Beth started to blush.

"_Darry_!" I teased. "I said _he's _decent. You've seen my naked ass more than my own mother. No sense gettin' uptight about it now."

Ponyboy let out a snort as his face grew beet red at my suggestion, and I reached over and tousled his wet hair before quickly grabbing for the other towel to wrap around my waist.

"Get any more modest and you'll be scaring away the neighbors." Beth laughed as she pulled me in for a quick peck on the cheek. "It came!"

"What came?" I asked; keeping a hand on my brother so he wouldn't topple over.

"The blender I ordered from the Sears catalogue. We can test it out!"

"No shit! You hear that, little buddy? Looks like you are fine dining tonight. I'm sick of that formula crap. Time to give you the good stuff!"

The permanent feeding tube coming out of Pony's stomach was always going to be a sore spot with me. It was every single failure as a brother, as a protector, and as a caregiver glaring me right in the face. I knew that Ponyboy hated it as well. I could sense his struggle between being dependent on me to help him with most day-to-day things, and not being seen as a baby. To me the blender meant that he was going to have a better life, even if he couldn't eat normally.

Ponyboy nodded solemnly at first, but then eyed Beth and I in amusement as we excitedly planned what food we were going to blend up for him in the future.

"We can make soups…hey we can even do milkshakes with this thing, kiddo!" I grinned as I hauled him up and over my shoulder so I could get him dried and changed in his room. "Any flavour you want—even banana!" I suggested, thinking back to The Frozen Cow, and how enamoured he'd been with his banana ice cream cone.

He smiled as I dumped him unceremoniously onto his bed while I turned to rifle through the dresser to find him something comfortable to wear. I tore through the t-shirts and pants, but everything looked too worn out and a little small. It'd been years since he'd had new clothes. I turned around slowly to eye Soda's old dresser and let out a sigh.

"Whadaya think, kiddo?" I asked apprehensively; not wanting to upset Pony with the prospect of taking over our dead brother's wardrobe.

Pony looked from the dresser to me and nodded slowly. I was thankful he didn't kick up a fuss even though I was pretty sure that he wouldn't. I eased the drawers open and pulled out a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants before heading back to the bed.

"Remember when you first came home from the hospital?" I started storytelling while unwrapping my brother from the towel—a distraction tactic that seemed to help him forget how vulnerable he was.

"Do you remember me telling you that I wasn't ever gonna give up on you? Do you remember that?"

Pony blinked.

"And even if it takes us a long time, we'd get through all of this together, right?"

A blink and a nod.

"I still mean it, little buddy. I'm never giving up on you. We're gonna figure this all out together you 'n me, 'kay?"

'_Love you'_ his mouth moved, and I could only lean over to kiss his head before helping him put his brother's clothes on.

The clothes were a little big on him, but he seemed to snuggle right into them as if it were actually Sodapop enveloping him. I smiled tightly before leaving him for my room so I could jump into some clothes of my own.

Once we were both dressed, I was carrying him into the kitchen to where Beth was reading the manual for our new appliance.

"Learn anything?" I teased as I tucked Ponyboy into the wheelchair Two-Bit had swiped for him up in Canada that managed to follow us home.

The wheelchair sat at the kitchen table when we weren't using it to take Ponyboy out. It offered a bit more security than the kitchen chairs, and I didn't have to worry about him sliding off or out. I tried not to think too hard about what it meant to have my brother need the wheelchair. Even when we'd first brought Pony home from the hospital, he'd managed to land on his feet again, but it'd been years of us being separated and things hadn't been easy for any of us. I wasn't sure there'd be a time when Pony didn't need the wheelchair which made things difficult in more ways than one; Ponyboy hated it.

"Yeah! There's some real fancy recipes in here."

"Well that should come in handy for all those fancy parties we always throw."

I heard Beth laugh before feeling the manual hit the back of my head, and I huffed out my own laugh when Pony snorted.

"Well, what's for supper babe?" Beth turned to the stovetop where I'd had a pot of chilli warming up along with potatoes. "Chilli?" She sounded apprehensive.

"Yeah, I wanted something that looked better comin' out than it does goin' in." I commented dryly, not really paying any mind to what I was saying.

"_Darry_!" Beth admonished. "That's disgusting!"

Ponyboy's head thrust backwards as his voice rasped out in laughter, and I chuckled as I couldn't help but rub the back of his head. It was the one sound that never made me cringe. The odd time Pony's voice would rasp out like it was on razor blades I couldn't help but scold him, but his laugh…

"What'd I say?" I shrugged while giving my brother a playful wink.

I'd stand on my head to get him to laugh again. I'd do anything to hear that sound.

"Boys," Beth shook her head as she dished out a small portion of supper into the blender.

Within a few seconds, the blender whirled to life and I winced at the volume. I slowly stood up from being crouched down beside my brother, and reached into the cupboard to grab bowls for the three of us.

I snickered as Beth gave a face to the emulsified supper, and she patted my chest as we switched places. She took over dishing out our meals while I proceeded to get Pony's; stirring it to cool it down so I could put it in the syringe.

"So, how was work today?" Beth asked once we were both seated at the table along with my brother.

"Slow, not a lot of business. Saw Mr. Garver today. I was thinkin' about gettin' back on with him. I can still do the store part time."

It was true. I was thinking a lot about getting back to roofing now that I was off the cane and managing pretty well on my own two feet.

"Are you sure that's best? If you're working more hours, who's home with Pony?" Beth eyed me carefully.

As it was, we were struggling with our schedules to make sure that one of us were always home with him.

"I thought you could maybe pull back at the hospital. You don't need to work so much if I'm back at roofin'. I make decent money."

"Darry, it's my job. What if I don't want to pull back my hours?"

"Whadaya mean?" I asked confused.

It was my job to take care of my family. The job with Mr. Garver paid a lot more than the hardware store, plus it would help me get back into the physical condition that I was used to. I was just starting to feel good now that Ponyboy was home. I was ready to move on with life.

"Listen buster, if you're about to get all chauvinistic on me, and tell me my place is barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, we're gonna have some issues." Beth growled, and I'd never seen her that angry before.

"What? What are you talkin' about? Wait…are you pregnant?" I asked, a little excited by the idea.

That is until she looked at me with a look that was anything but impressed.

"Look, it's really romantic in a seriously old fashioned and outdated way that you want to be the strong Neanderthal and run the show, but it's not necessary." I could tell by the way she clenched her fists; she was struggling to keep her composure.

"I honestly didn't mean it like that, doll. I just wanna take care of you two like you both deserve." I spoke under my breath, nervous and a little ashamed I'd upset her so badly.

"And work yourself to death like before? Ponyboy needs _you_, Darry—he wants _you_. I need you! And don't you think you should be talking to Bradley about this before getting yourself back 00up on a ladder so you can break your neck?"

I opened my mouth to argue when I looked over at Pony and noticed him licking chilli from his finger. I looked back at Beth and nodded towards my brother to alert her, and all the fuel to our disagreement burned out in a flash.

"Uhhhh…whadaya think you're doin'?" I tried to keep a serious expression on my face when I turned to scold my brother, but I couldn't.

Ponyboy shrugged; not even the slightest bit concerned that I'd caught him doing exactly what he wasn't supposed to be doing. He just stuffed his finger in the bowl again.

"Pony…" I frowned as I grabbed his wrist to keep him from having another taste when Beth stopped me.

"Wait, babe. Let's let him try."

"Let him? But Greg said…" I was worried over not following Greg's suggestions and how concerned he'd been over Pony choking

"Yes, I know honey, but that was with solids. Hold on!" Beth got up from the table and started rifling around the drawer for a spoon.

She came back to the table, and instead of sitting down in her seat, she sat on the other side of my brother.

"You wanna try a few sips of this, pumpkin? We have to go slow, and I mean it now. Slow as molasses, and if you start to cough, we're stopping, okay?"

Ponyboy blinked quickly, but then looked over to me to see what my reaction would be. It occurred to me then that my wife was right to be angry at me. To suggest she just cut back on her hours or just not work at all because I wanted to take care of her was ludicrous. She was special, and the work she dedicated herself to was too important. I thought of all the kids she must've helped besides my brother, and I knew I was in the wrong even though I thought my motives were chivalrous.

Beth looked at me expectantly, and I nodded my approval and couldn't help but grin when Pony smiled. It was a sense of normalcy for him, and I could've kicked myself for almost denying him that.

"Slow, Pony." Beth warned as she half-filled a teaspoon of pulverized chilli and potato and brought it up to his mouth.

It took more than thirty minutes, and our supper had long since turned cold, but it was a huge victory. Pony polished off his entire portion, albeit slowly with no sign of choking.

After, there was an aura of contentment that seemed to surround him. It was like something huge that he'd accomplished and overcame on his own, and I was so proud. Once again, my brother defied all the odds that were set against him.

* * *

"It ain't a big deal, I just thought you might wanna get outta the house for a bit while I work out the kinks."

I found myself babbling a lot when I was alone with Pony, mostly to fill in the silence. He'd been home for over a month, and that gave us a lot of time together, and in that time, it was hard to always gauge where his head was at. I guess maybe part of the discomfort I had was because Sodapop wasn't there to be the buffer between us that we were always used to. We were closer than we'd ever been before, but I still felt as though I didn't know him as much, or he didn't trust me as much as he did our brother. Our relationship would always be different than the one they'd had together.

Despite Beth's concerns about me returning to my job with Mr. Garver, I still wanted to get back into shape. I was finally able to get around without the cane, but still felt weak in my left leg by every days' end. I decided to meet up with Bradley at the East Community Center to get his input, and I wanted him to meet my brother.

He laughed cheerfully when he saw me coming in through the corridor, pushing Pony in the wheelchair towards him. It'd been awhile since I'd seen him, and I wondered if he'd notice the progress I'd made.

"Lookin' good, Curtis! Lookin' good!" He commended me with a pat on the back. "Man, you look great!"

"Thanks, Bradley. Listen, I want you to meet my brother. This is Ponyboy. I thought he could hang out with us while you set me up with a routine I can use to build my strength back up."

"So, this is him?" Bradley's attention shifted to my brother. "I finally get to meet you, Ponyboy. I've heard a lot of great things about you."

He held out his hand, and I noticed my brother's face pale as he took a long look at it, and then at me. I noticed the tremble at first before his eyes started to well up, and he shook his head before rocking back and forth, successfully moving the wheelchair back into me.

"Hey, buddy. It's alright." Bradley tried, but it just set Ponyboy off even more.

"Pony, what's wrong?" I asked as I moved from behind the chair to crouch down in front. "It's okay, Pony. Bradley's my friend. He helped me walk again."

"Your leg?" His voice croaked and I winced.

"Yeah, Pony. It was busted up real good. I was stuck in bed for a long while and couldn't walk on it. Bradley helped me get strong again so I could find you and bring you home."

Pony reached out and touched the side of my left thigh and I nodded.

"Yeah, babe. That one."

"Hurts. Walk funny." It wasn't a question; it was what he'd noticed, and I couldn't hide it from him or lie to him about it.

"Shhh…Pony your voice." I worried. "But yeah, it hurts some. It's a bit stiff, so I'm hoping to make it better by exercising more. Maybe you can help?"

Pony was quiet as he looked deep in thought. Bradley stood by, and I wondered what was going on in his head as he watched my brother. It was a few minutes before Pony seemed to make a decision, and he looked over to Bradley and offered him a smile.

'_Thank you for my brother,' _he mouthed and offered his right hand.

"You're most welcome, Pony. Your brother's one lucky sonofagun to have someone like you lookin' out for him." Bradley beamed as he took Ponyboy's hand to shake.

"Me." Ponyboy's voice raked out. "Lucky. I am."

"Easy Ponyboy," I ruffled my fingers through his hair. "Why don't we give your voice a rest, huh little buddy?"

Pony blinked with a nod and I grinned as I stood up slowly to push him forward in the chair.

"Where we headed?" I asked and let Bradley lead us around to the back of the gym.

"Go get changed and we'll start you off with some stretches. I don't wanna push it too much too soon."

"Fair enough," I nodded as I wheeled Ponyboy with me to the locker room while Bradley pulled out a couple of mats and threw them on the floor.

I shuffled into an old pair of sweats with the legs cut off and an old t-shirt, noticing Ponyboy as he stared at the long scar on my left leg. I wondered if it caused him any distress or fear, but he just looked interested in it.

"Does it freak you out?" I asked; trying to gauge his expression.

Pony rubbed the scars on his head while he shook his head.

"You okay?" I asked as I tossed my clothes into an empty locker and grabbed for my sneakers.

Pony didn't answer per se, he just made a grabbing gesture towards me like that was supposed to make sense.

"Whadaya want? Wanna go?"

Pony shook his head.

"You wanna touch it again? C'mon kiddo, you're makin' me feel like a sideshow freak." I tried to tease, but Pony wasn't having any of it.

'_You touch mine!' _he looked annoyed as he silently scolded me, and I could only grin at him.

"Okay, okay, okay. Don't get your pants in a knot; I'm just givin' you a hard time."

I moved closer towards my brother so he could reach out with his good hand and explore the scar on my leg a little more. He seemed entranced by it and I wondered why.

"Gimme hard time all the time," his voice scraped out before we both smiled at each other.

"That's 'cause I'm the oldest. It's my job—my right!" I teased, and he just rolled his eyes at me. "Okay, let's get back out there to Bradley."

Pony stopped tracing patterns across my scar tissue and nodded his head. "Scare me."

"You want me to scare you?" I looked on at him confused.

Ponyboy shook his head vehemently. "You did."

"I scared you?" I eyed him carefully while I locked my worthless belongings inside the locker and turned towards him. "What happened? What did I do, little buddy?"

"Was bad." He traced his hand over my leg a last time. "Superman. Not s'poseta hurt. Don't wanna lose you."

And just like that it felt like my legs were kicked out from underneath me as well as the ground. I used Pony's chair as support as I slowly kneeled in front of him. I looked at him carefully and he held my gaze head on, and it dawned on me that we'd suddenly reached another understanding together.

I let my hands wrap around his lithe arms. "I've lost count of the times I've let you down, and how many times I swore to God that I'd make it up to you."

"Darry," Pony shook his head. "Don't."

"Shhhh…just lemme talk, okay?"

Pony nodded.

"Truth is, I don't function so well without you and your brother. Losing you was like losing a part of myself. Losing him..."

Ponyboy nodded sadly, knowing where our heart-to-heart was headed. I reached for Soda's dog tags and looked at them fondly.

"Feels like everyone I love gets stollen away." I huffed out a pained laugh while I pushed back the urge to bawl like Soda used to do with his heart on his sleeve.

'_Still here with you._' Pony's hand covered mine and we both held onto our brother's name.

I couldn't help but be comforted by his strength. "I'm still here with you too, little buddy."


	31. Chapter 31

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

_Steve,_

_I feel like there's so much to say to you and yet I'm not sure where to start. Too much time has passed for subtleties, so how about I keep it simple and start with where the fuck are you?_

_I know we haven't always seen eye-to-eye on things, but you running away isn't going to help you. We know Soda's gone, Steve. We were told the basics of what happened and it's okay. Nobody is blaming you or thinks that it's your fault. I can't even begin to imagine what it was like for you, but you don't have to hide, or re-enlist or whatever crazy shit you've done with yourself lately. Soda wouldn't want that for you, and neither do I._

_You have a home here, Steve. You have a family here with us, and it's time to come back. I know you're hurting over Sodapop but you don't have to hurt alone. You're our brother. Please come back home._

_Darry_

* * *

I sat on the step in a daze; scratching my head and wondering how bad off Steve really was. The letter I sent more than a month ago was returned unopened.

I couldn't help but let my mind wander. What was it like that final day for both my brother and his best friend? I knew from his silence that Steve was there when my brother was shot down, and a cold nauseousness seeped into my body with the realization that it must've been a violent and gruesome death.

We'd all been there to witness the barrage of bullets from the cops' guns when they took Dallas Winston down at the vacant lot all those years ago, but war was another level of violence that few of us could comprehend. It nagged at me to think of how my brother met his demise. Steve's silence just reaffirmed my hunch that Soda may not have felt that last bullet, but his body had suffered greatly.

My thoughts of Sodapop shouldn't have been of him bloody and ravaged into pieces, but not knowing the real truth left my mind to wander. I could visualize his bloody corpse lying on the earth in some god forsaken jungle, and it made me ache for him even deeper.

He didn't deserve to die like that—nobody did, but Soda especially. He went over there because of me and because of Steve; wanting to protect us both, and not knowing how to do that without sacrificing his own safety in the process. And in his reckless, unselfish act, he saved so many other lives. He was no innocent, but his heart was pure.

That heart he wore on his sleeve…

And then I couldn't help but worry for Steve. I knew Steve thought that Soda was all he had in life. His own father hadn't given two thoughts about Steve once he'd left for training, and I couldn't understand. I knew the emptiness of losing family, and I just couldn't understand. It made me feel for Steve. Having only that one person you depended on for everything, and then watching him be taken away by something so senseless and violent as war…

I remembered back to how I'd found Ponyboy in the filth and coldness of that bedroom. Tied up and on the floor with his head beaten in and his body ripped apart, and couldn't help to wonder if that was how Steve felt. The sickness, the helplessness, and the guilt that led me to drink. I didn't want that for Steve. As much as he got under my skin with his cocky, know-everything attitude, he was another brother. A brother who needed to come home...

..."NO!"

Ponyboy's voice ripped from out of nowhere and yanked me out of my thoughts right before I heard the sound of glass shattering. There was a loud thump from the living room and I was on my feet and grabbing for the door before I heard Beth pleading.

"Pony, it's okay! He's not trying to hurt you, sweetheart!"

I rushed in to find both Bradley and Beth hovering over my brother who was cowering on the floor in front of the couch. The lamp on the side table had been knocked over; pieces of it scattered about.

"What the hell's goin' on?" I demanded; not knowing if I was mad for the interruption of my thoughts, or because I had to replace another lamp.

"Don't tie me up!" My brother all but begged, and my annoyance was immediately swallowed up by concern.

"No, Pony. It's not like that, kid."

"Pony, Brad wouldn't hurt you."

He shook his head repeatedly and looked to me desperately for help.

"What the hell were you two doin' to him?" I grumbled as I made towards my brother and dropped down next to him, hauling him into me.

"Nothing! Darry, you know I'd never do anything or let anybody hurt Pony! What's the matter with you?" Beth was angry and offended, and I guess she had a right to be, but right then my priority was my brother.

"They wanna tie me up! Don't let 'em, Darry! Darry please! I don't wanna be tied up again! I'll be good, I promise!" Pony cried, and I felt like I couldn't speak.

"Baby, no! We don't want to tie you up, pumpkin! We aren't going to do that!" Beth looked horrified.

"Shhhh…ain't nobody tyin' anyone up. Not over my dead body." I spoke lowly into Ponyboy's hair while my arms crushed him to me like a vice. "What's going on?" I looked up at Beth.

"I just had some ideas for Ponyboy's hand and his leg. Beth was helping me try it out. I'm…I'm so very sorry. I'm…" poor Bradley stuttered as he tried to gauge what had just happened.

"What ideas? Y'mean more weights? Why does he think you're gonna tie him up?"

My frequent trips to the gym resulted in Ponyboy getting full advantage of me having a therapist friend. From that first visit, I was left to work independently on my own physical recovery, while Bradley worked intensely with Pony; pushing him to reach beyond; giving him stretches and exercises in hopes of increasing his mobility and his quality of life.

"No, I had a few ideas to maybe loosen up the contractures. I wasn't trying to tie him up, Darry. I swear it!"

Ponyboy was distraught; hyperventilating while burying his face in my arm. "No tying!"

"Shhhh…" I soothed while I pet my brother's hair, and then nodded towards Bradley. "Show me what your idea was."

Bradley held out a thick washcloth, and I felt my eyebrow cock out of my control while I gave him a look like he'd just took a tumble off the idiot tree.

"A facecloth? You scare the shit outta my brother over a facecloth? What the fuck were you going to do with it?" I felt my temper flare, but my wife was there to cool my jets.

"Darry, it's so simple, but I think it'll work. Just listen to Brad, please!"

I looked back over to Bradley and watched as he folded the facecloth in half, and then rolled it into a tube. He looked it over before folding a second facecloth in half, and then rolled it around the first making the tube thicker.

"Beth, can you cut me off a few strips of that medical tape?"

I watched in silence and confusion while the medical professionals seemed to read each other's thoughts, working together so well in unison.

"It won't come undone this way. Now what I was trying to explain is that if we tie…"

"No tying!" Pony's voice broke as he sobbed, and I squeezed him before turning back to my wife and Bradley.

"Can you just explain what the hell that is, and enough about tyin' him up, 'cause I guaran-goddamn-tee ya, that ain't happenin' in this life or the next!" I hollered as old wounds and memories rose to the surface.

"Yeah, of course! Uh…yeah…um…could you hold his arm for me?" Bradley motioned for Ponyboy's crooked arm that I had tucked beneath my hold.

I let my arm slide from around Ponyboy's torso, and I held his arm out watching as Bradley reached for that mangled fist. I watched silently as Bradley rubbed and moved and stretched and coaxed the fingers open, and frowned as Pony's arm jerked in violent tremors. When I was about to tell Bradley to stop what he was doing, the rolled facecloth was placed into my brother's palm and his fingers were released to curl around it, effectively holding it into place.

"I just thought if I held it in place by tying gauze around the facecloth and the back of his hand, it wouldn't slip out. This could still work though." Bradley shrugged.

I realized then that my brother had perceived the situation all wrong, but I couldn't blame him. I knew where his fear of being tied up stemmed from, and there was no need to argue about it. He panicked, and that was okay. He'd been through enough in his life that it didn't matter the explanation. All that mattered was that he was safe with me.

"So what's the goal of this? I don't get it." I felt myself starting to relax as I felt Ponyboy let go; pulling his face out from my arm to inspect what Bradley had completed.

"Well my goal is to get that hand to loosen up, but it's contracted bad, Darry."

"So he holds onto a washcloth all day?" I thought the idea was asinine, and my voice made no effort to hide that.

"Darrel, stop bein' an asshole." Beth warned. "He can hold it when he's asleep. Over time the tendons and ligaments should relax a little. Maybe he'll regain some of the function in his hand."

I nodded my head as I looked downward to see Pony staring at his hand.

"How does it feel, kiddo?" I mumbled while I let my hand massage down his twisted arm. "Does it feel okay? Think you can fall asleep with that?"

Pony nodded slowly, but said nothing.

"Alright," I sighed; relieved the situation sorted itself out. "What else ya got in your bag of tricks, Brad?"

* * *

"Everything okay?" Beth asked as I entered the living room and sat next to her on the couch.

I'd spent the last hour trying to talk Ponyboy into wearing the wooden splints for his arm and leg that Bradley provided, but in order to secure them, meant we had to tie them on, and it was a lost cause no matter how much I tried to convince him it was what was best. So I laid beside him; gliding the back of my fingers gently across his cheek until he closed his eyes and fell asleep.

"No go." I mumbled. "He's using the roll for his hand; I guess that's something."

I could feel Beth watching me, but I was too tired to analyze it. I'd been short with both her and Bradley when the two of them were only trying to help, but it didn't matter. Pony needed me to speak for him, and so I did what I had to do.

"I'd never hurt him, I hope you know that." Beth said as if reading my mind.

"I know that."

"Then why did you treat me like a mad scientist earlier?" She snapped.

I'd hurt her, and I hadn't meant to.

"You weren't listening to him."

"Honey, he misunderstood…"

"He was scared, Beth!" I cut her off. "He was scared to death, of course he misunderstood. You don't know what he had to go through! You don't get that he'll never see some things the same way as he used to."

"I was there, Darry. I know how badly he was hurt. I saw the injuries. I…"

"You weren't there!" I raised my voice in frustration. "Look, you're an amazing nurse Beth, and I love you. You and Greg, Eric and all the rest of the people in that hospital are the reason he's still alive, but you don't know!" I was vibrating. "You don't know."

"Darry…" She started, but didn't finish.

She reached for my hand, and I let her take it. I wanted her to know that I wasn't angry with her, but that there were things she couldn't understand just by reading about them in a medical journal or text book. What Ponyboy survived was real, and so much had happened to hault his recovery. He'd never spoken to me about the details of what happened to him—just tidbits, but the one soul he did tell; the keeper of all his secrets was dead.

I sobbed out a laugh. "It's been four years, and I can still smell that fucking house."

I couldn't look at her, because if I did I knew I'd fall to pieces, but in my periphery I could see her mouth snap shut.

"He was just lyin' there. Slumped over and tossed away in the corner of that room, and I gotta wonder if that piece of shit woulda just left him there to rot if I hadn'ta been pushy and made our social worker take me to him."

"You found him? Darry, you never told me that." Beth squeezed my hand as she took a shaky breath.

I just nodded. Minutes ticked by as we sat in silence and I didn't know if it was worth re-living the past and upsetting my wife, but there were things about my brother she needed to know.

"The stench was nauseating; I mean it about fuckin' knocked me over, Beth. I was about to hit my knees and puke before I noticed him; his hands were bound and he was covered in…"

I couldn't finish.

"Darry, I'm so sorry." Beth's eyes were wet like mine. "You're right—I didn't get it. I wasn't there in the same capacity, and even though it killed me to see the cruelty of what was done to Ponyboy, it's not the same as what you'd been through and it was ignorant of me to think it was. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me."

I nodded. "I know that you'd never hurt him. I just need you to understand what it was like before you guys saved him."

"_You_ saved him, Darry. I need you to know that, and I need you to know that I love him, Darry. I'd die before I'd ever hurt him, I swear." Beth cried, and I wrapped my arms around her to hold her close.

"I know, doll. And he loves you too—I mean, crazy nuts about you. I'm sorry I got so short with the two of you, but he's been through enough. And losin' Soda on top of all that…"

"I think I understand a little better now." Beth smiled sadly. "I'm so sorry."

I nodded as we came to an unspoken agreement, and wrapped Beth up in my arms before leaning us back onto the couch. One of the things I loved most about her was her willingness to listen; even if I had no basis or rationale for the way that I felt, she would stop everything that was going on and listen.

"Will he be okay? Do you want to lay down with him tonight?" Beth asked.

"We'll play it by ear. He's got Mickey and the pillow. I'll hear him if he wakes up."

"You sure?"

I nodded and hugged Beth tighter to me; so thankful that I had her by my side.

"You ready for bed then?" Beth asked as she pulled herself out of my arms, and slowly stood up from the couch with her hand outstretched towards me.

"Sounds good." I grinned as I took her hand and stood next to her; leaning down so I could press a soft kiss to the corner of her mouth. "Thank you."

She tugged my arm as she lead the way to the television; turning it off before leading us to the hallway. The phone shrilled and made us both jump a little, and we both huffed a laugh at how we both reacted.

"I'll go get it. I dunno who the hell would be calling at this hour." I mumbled while rubbing Beth's shoulders.

"Alright. Get the light on your way back, would you?"

"Yep, I'll be right in." I answered as I jogged around the corner and made my way towards the ringing telephone.

"Hello?"

I waited for the reply, but the only thing I heard was muffled breathing.

"Hello?" I sing-songed which earned me a huff in either amusement or reproach, but I still didn't get an answer.

"You gonna answer pal, or can I hang up now?"

"Darry?" A voice whispered on the other end, and I was starting to get irritated.

"Yeah, it's me. Who is this?" I demanded before I heard the sobbing on the other end of the line, and my blood turned cold.

"Darry," came a whisper along with more sobbing, and my heart slammed against my ribs.

"Steve? Steve, is that you? Listen, Steve…you gotta come home, alright buddy? Come home. It's okay, you don't gotta hide. Come home and we'll get through this together. We all want you back. We all need you here. Come home."

My tongue felt like it was tripping over itself as I struggled to get everything out while pleading with him, but just as I finished the line went dead, and I was left listening to the dial tone.


	32. Chapter 32

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

Steve didn't call again, and I could feel my stomach start it's old tricks as I worried myself crazy. Where was he? Was he in Tulsa? Did he move on like Two-Bit and Greg and find himself starting a new life somewhere different? Had I said the wrong thing? Maybe I should've had a softer approach—like Sodapop—to coax him into coming home. I didn't have the answers, but the whole mess was eating me up inside.

"Darry, can you help this guy load up?"

I looked over to Mr. Harris, my boss as he finished ringing his customer through while I was stocking paint cans on the shelf. I nodded quietly as I headed towards my boss and he handed me the sales slip.

"Some two-by-fours," Mr. Harris drawled. "I've got a contractor due by in a few with a big order. Can you handle this with your leg, Darry?"

"Yeah, this ain't a problem, Mr. Harris. You know you can gimme more work around here besides stocking the shelves and minding the till. I ain't some fragile flower." I grinned fondly.

Having men like Mr. Harris and Mr. Garver in my life was sort of like still having my dad around. These old boys had watched me grow up from a little kid into a man, and had been friends of Darrel Curtis Sr. for as long as I could remember. Mr. Harris cared about me, I could tell, but he didn't still need to treat me with velvet gloves.

"I guess not, son. I see you're moving along without that dang cane. It's good to see you getting better. It would've been a damned shame if we'd lost you, boy."

I gave him a smile because in all honesty, I didn't know what to say to that. I slapped his shoulder lightly before taking the list from him and headed for the lumberyard knowing how lucky I was for the good people that were still in my life.

A green pickup truck was waiting by the gate. After I opened it, I motioned for the truck to back up into the yard closer to where the lumber was stored. I walked backwards well into the yard; signalling and signalling until we were at the right stack, and had the truck stop where I needed it to.

"How're you today sir?" I approached the driver's open window without even looking in. "Can I get you to double check this order and make sure nothing is missing?"

"Yeah, no problem."

I looked up as the man took the slip from me, and my stomach rolled when I stared at the face of Detective Davis. Part of me wanted to disappear, and I wished wildly that he wouldn't look up or recognize me, but he was a cop and I knew that wish was futile. Even though Davis had managed to be much less of an ass than his counterpart Backus; his presence brought up nothing but painful memories.

"Looks good, sir." He smiled and then his eyes met mine. "Oh! Mr. Curtis, I didn't know you worked here!"

_Fuck! Just what I needed!_

"Yep. Been workin' steady here for quite a while."

"Oh, that's good, that's good." His voice trailed off like he couldn't think of anything else to say.

"I'll get this loaded up for you, just gimme a few minutes." I moved to walk away, but he wouldn't let me.

"Y'know we never got a handle on your brother's case."

My stomach clenched, and I wondered if he could hear my heart pounding as I turned back to face him.

"What was that?" I struggled to keep my voice even.

"Martin Campbell."

Hearing the name out loud still gave me the urge to vomit, and I wondered if there would ever be a time when I wouldn't have that initial reaction.

"What?"

"We never found him. No sign of him anywhere, Mr. Curtis and I'm so sorry. I wanted justice for what your brother went through. I wanted to give him that."

I don't know why his words surprised me, but they did. The only real recollection I had of the two detectives was that of his partner acting as though Campbell's disappearance was more important than what my brother had gone through. The man had gone out of his way to try and upset me and my brothers, and I would never forgive him for that.

"I was under the impression y'all were more interested in Martin Campbell's rights; not mine, and certainly not my brother's."

Detective Davis frowned grimly as he nodded; staring straight ahead out the windshield of his truck. "Dale." He offered simply.

I shrugged not knowing what he was getting at.

"His methods…not always the most…"

"Your partner's a fucking asshole. Now let me load your truck so you can be on your way." I interrupted and turned around before he could reply.

I charged towards the back of his truck; finding the latch and slamming the tailgate down before spinning around to start loading the lumber in the bed.

I was fuming, and it was no surprise the way each two-by-four slammed against metal. The audacity of both detectives had me spitting nails. There were no good memories about that time of my life except finally being able to take Pony home.

"Darrel,"

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I whipped around defensively when I saw that it was Davis. He startled and held his hands up as though I were going to sock him one, and I scoffed at how ridiculous he looked before turning back to load more lumber.

"Darrel, please."

"Look pal, it's Darry or Curtis. Pick one or don't say anything at all." I threw another plank into the truck.

"Look, _Darry._ You're right about Dale. He can be an asshole; especially the way he handled your brother's case."

I stopped what I was doing and eyed him cautiously, careful that I wasn't falling into some sort of trap. Not a word was spoken by anyone about that night. What went down the night I'd confronted Martin Campbell would go with me to the grave.

"I'm sorry we never found that bastard to make him pay for what he did." Davis continued.

"I'm sure he's moved on to the next boy." I spoke coldly. "Just another no-good greaser from the wrong side of town. Not worth the time of day, so why bother? We're just poor white trash, ain't that right, Detective?"

"I never felt that way, Darry. I never wanted you or your family to feel that way."

"Then why didn't you fuckin' say something? Where were you when that asshole was following me around town? When he came to my house and caused my brother to have a seizure?"

"I'm sorry! I don't have a reason. At first we were just feeling you out to see if you had anything to do with his disappearance, but I saw you, Darrel. I saw you with your brothers and I knew…"

"You knew what?"

"That I'd kill the bastard if he'd done to my son what he'd done to your brother. That I didn't care if you took the law into your own hands to serve your own kind of justice."

I made every effort I could to keep my face stone. It wasn't hard—I'd been doing it since my parents died in order to keep my brothers from seeing me fall apart. I still didn't know if I could trust Detective Davis, but in other circumstances I may have respected him.

"Sorry to disappoint you. That scumbag is just a nightmare my brother and I will never get over. I know nothing else about him." I spoke calmly, and Davis looked sad.

"And you brother, how is he?"

I wanted to tell him how horrible it'd been—the seizures, the emotional trauma. I wanted to tell him that instead of a nineteen year old man, my brother was a seven year old boy wearing the face of our dead brother. I wanted to tell him about every struggle and set-back we'd had to face since before that monster ripped his way through our lives, but I didn't. My brother deserved so much more than that. He was strong, and beautiful, and full of life. He deserved nothing but respect and dignity. My brother was…

"He's…" I nodded. "He's a survivor."

Davis nodded sadly, but didn't say anything more, and I was glad. I loaded up the last of his order, and gave him a nod as he went on his way.

I brushed the dust off my jeans and headed back for the store to continue what I'd been doing before the past had come in and pushed itself into my present. Some things were just things that should be let go of; things that weigh a person down, and though I wasn't sure I'd ever forgive Dale Backus of how he'd treated me and my family, I felt sympathy for his partner. I didn't want to give much more thought than what was warranted, so I went right on back to the palette of paint and continued to stock cans on the shelf. The day passed like any other, and then it was time to go home.

As I made my way for the car I looked back towards the lumber yard and thought about my run-in with Detective Davis. Seeing him brought about nothing but bad memories, although I had to admit to myself that he seemed a good man. i wondered how he'd gotten paired up with such a lousy human being like his partner, when it seemed like he himself did care about the people he was paid to protect and serve.

"Hey! Watch it, asshole!"

My head whipped around when I realized I'd just about trampled over someone—a young woman with a bad mouth and a quick temper. Part of me wanted to help get her back on her feet, and part of me felt a little smug watching as she struggled to straighten out her clothes and push her hair back from her eyes.

"Christ, it's like walking into a fuckin' brick wall! Don't you watch where you're…"

The woman locked eyes with me, and it took a moment for me to realize that I recognized her.

"Curtis—shoulda known. Thought you died along with the rest of your herd."

Her cruelty was like a cold shower in the middle of winter—it chilled me to the bone. Her face was filled with disdain, and I wondered what it was I'd done in the past to make Evelyn Sanders hate me so bad.

"Sorry to disappoint you, Evie. Need a hand?" I motioned to the paper bag she'd dropped when we bumped into each other.

"Not from any of you." She hissed.

I should've just walked away, but beneath her tough exterior I could sense that she was hurting.

"I'm sorry, Evie. Wasn't my intention to upset you. You sure I can't walk you to your car? Take your bag for you?"

She eyed me suspiciously; tough as nails just like most of the girls from this side of Tulsa. Her face relaxed slightly, but I knew enough not to push my luck, so I quietly crouched down to grab her bag.

"Whatcha workin' on?" I asked casually as I glanced into the paper shopping bag.

There was twine, masking tape, and a few of different sized paint brushes.

"None of your business. This car is me."

She opened up the trunk to her busted up Ford, and I carefully placed her bag where there was an empty spot. The trunk was loaded with tools, and I closed my eyes tight enough that I saw stars after I'd counted five hub caps—no doubt courtesy of Steve's prowess around automobiles.

"Have you heard from him?" I blurted out; desperate to know anything about Steve.

"What?" Evie slammed the trunk door closed right before she turned around and gave me an incredulous look.

"Have your heard from Steve? Do you know what happened? Where he's at?"

Evie looked about ready to spit in my face and I took a cautious step backwards and out of her way. Cold hatred covered her face again, and I wondered if there was ever a time she didn't look like that. But it was her words that froze me in place; not the spiteful tone she took.

"Why don't you ask your precious Sandy."

"What?" I stood in shock.

Evie scoffed at me with disgust as she rolled her eyes and yanked the car door open.

"Ask that fuckin' whore of your brother's. Seems she's the only one that knows anything about what happened to my ex. Tell her I hope they're happy together." She choked, and then slammed the car door.

The ignition hiccuped before it roared to life, and she peeled out of the parking lot, leaving me there wondering what the hell just happened.

The unease inside of me only increased as I made the short drive home. Seeing Detective Davis seemed to give me a little bit of closure, but seeing Evie opened up a whole new world of questions and doubts.

"_Ask Sandy…_" she had all but snarled at me. What was that even supposed to mean? Did Sandy have contact with Steve after all this time? Did he turn to her after losing Soda when he thought he couldn't come home? Were they now together? In a lot of ways it would make sense; turning to each other for comfort after losing the one that was closest to them, but why would she lie about that when Two-Bit asked her flat out if she'd heard from him?

I couldn't exactly pinpoint what was going on, but my gut churned uncomfortably enough that I knew Sandy had been lying to me. I didn't know when, but I knew there was going to be a conversation between myself and the mother of my nephew, and it would be taking place real soon.

It was festering inside me like a hungry parasite as I took the four steps up to the porch. I walked through the open door, and could hear my wife speaking in hushed tones from the living room, and I wondered who she was speaking to. By the time I wrangled my work boots off from my feet, it occurred to me that she was reading out loud, and I snuck around the corner to peer into the room, only to find my wife and my brother on the couch together.

There was a pillow on her lap where my brother's head was cradled, and I watched as her fingers played with the strands of his hair while she read from the book. She looked up carefully as I quietly made my way around to them, and she pulled her fingers from his hair to signal me to keep quiet—my brother looking asleep and peaceful there on her lap.

I approached the two of them; sinking to my knees when I noticed the peculiar swelling from the bottom right corner of Ponyboy's mouth, and looked up to Beth for answers. She only nodded to acknowledge me, but kept reading the novel in that soft voice, and I thought back to the last time I'd walked in on her reading to my brother—when I'd gotten so desperate for a drink I'd abandoned him for a girl so hopped up on alcohol and drugs, she had no good sense left. I wondered if I'd screwed up again.

"He's okay." She spoke suddenly; most likely catching the expression on my face.

"Seizure?" I asked, knowing by the state he was in it was probably the culprit.

"He was crying for him."

I looked up sharply, wanting Beth to clarify. She shook her head, again being able to read me just by the look on my face.

"Soda. He kept asking for Soda. He fell asleep on the couch waiting for you to come home. I think he was having a nightmare. There's blood on the pillow—he bit through his lip."

I sighed; my eyes closed and head bowed as a sense of failure tried to settle in. I thought he'd been okay. He'd been so strong—putting on a brave face and keeping himself together for my benefit, but I knew in my heart it was all show. I knew in my heart that Sodapop's absence would take its toll on Ponyboy, it was just a matter of time. I'd been counting on it, but he'd been so good fooling me up until now.

"Who is Johnny?" Beth suddenly asked, and I looked at her in confusion. "There was a letter bookmarking the page. I read it, I'm sorry." Beth looked concerned.

"Johnny and Pony were best friends." My throat felt like gravel as I choked the words out.

"What happened?" Beth looked sad—as though she already knew.

"He died. The two of them got caught in a fire saving some kids. Johnny was hurt. Didn't make it in the end."

Beth nodded, closed her eyes and started weeping while feathering my brother's hair through her fingertips. Ponyboy had been in denial after Johnny's passing, and I couldn't remember much except the worry I felt over him being put in a reformatory, or a boy's home. But Soda had been there—Soda had always been there to soften the fall for the both of us.

But not now. Not ever again.

"You two deserve to be happy. After everything you've been through. It's like this whole damned town holds nothing but misery. Maybe we should leave?"

"You can't run from life, doll. One way or another, it catches up to you." I grinned at her for her suggestion. "Besides, where we gonna run to?"

"I'm not talking about running away. I'm talking about starting over fresh. Somewhere we can be happy—where we're not reminded of every single horror that happened within these walls and outside of them."

"You wanna go camp out with Two-Bit?" I looked at her like she was off her rocker until I saw the look on her face.

She was serious.

"Why not? At least we wouldn't be alone. Alberta is beautiful; I grew up there." She shrugged.

"It's minus a hundred up there!" I frowned as though the temperature meant anything compared to my family's happiness.

"So we buy warmer clothes. I'd rather be happy and cold, than warm and miserable Darry, and think of Ponyboy. Two-Bit's good for him. Right now he doesn't have anybody except us."

"I can't…" I stumbled.

"Why?"

"I have a job, for one. And we _do_ have friends! What about Bradley? Eric? What about your job and the people you work with?"

"We can work anywhere, Darry. I'm serious. What's keeping you here?" Her eyes were soft, but her question was not.

"I can't leave." I whispered as my throat grew thick with emotion.

"Why?"

"I can't…" I shrugged.

"Why, Darry?" Beth interrupted, clearly wanting me to just spit it out.

"I can't leave him."

"Soda." She didn't ask, she already knew.

I nodded.

"But he's gone, Darry. He's been gone and he isn't ever coming back. He's gone."

"I know. You don't have to be so cold about it." I whispered.

"Have you even gone to see him?"

I heard the question fall from her mouth, and I could only shake my head in shame. My brother had been dead for more than two years now, and not once had I gone to visit his grave. I couldn't bring myself to go, maybe for the same reasons I hadn't gone to see my parents until Ponyboy pushed. I couldn't face it. I didn't want it to be real. If I saw his name etched in stone, then it would be final. The end of him.

"Maybe you need closure. You'll never move on until you face what happened to him, and I'm scared that you'll drag Ponyboy down too. I meant what I said, Darry. I'm ready to move on. I'll follow you across the world if that's what it takes to make you happy. It's your call when you're ready."

I knew my wife was right, even though her words stung, but I was scared of letting Soda go. I was scared of moving on and scared that it meant that I'd forget him. I wanted to be happy; I wanted Ponyboy to be happy, but I still wanted to hold onto Soda. I still wanted him to be with us with an empty ache that couldn't be filled enough of him and the moments we had.

Ponyboy stirred, and my attention was brought back to the swelling of his lower lip. I pressed it lightly with my index finger as I thought about what Beth had proposed; leaving Tulsa and starting over. Settling up north, where the towns were strangers but the people—two of the most important people left in this world were there waiting for us. Would I be better off up in Canada? More importantly, would Ponyboy?

"You want to lay with him tonight? He'll probably feel better." Beth's voice was soft and understanding; knowing I was feeling a little sore from her words.

I nodded my assent. I didn't speak. I softly kissed her cheek before sliding my arms underneath my brother; scooping him up to carry him to his and Soda's room where I laid him down on his bed. Even in his sleep he looked riddled with sadness, and I knew I'd have to make a difficult choice in the near future.

I pulled off my work clothes and kiboshed our usual evening bath; too emotionally exhausted by the questions and doubts that were coming at me from all directions. I crawled into bed beside Pony and laid there stinkin' thinkin' just like my father had done most of his adult life.

I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder, and I looked down to see Ponyboy looking up at me worriedly.

"_You_ _okay_?" He mouthed.

No sound came out.

"Yeah, I'm alright little buddy. Heard you had a rough one."

My hand moved up to card through Pony's hair, and he gave me an over-exaggerated pout—showing off the inside of his lip where it looked as though he'd bit right through. Although there was no blood, it was swollen considerably.

"Ouch," I winced in sympathy, remembering the few times I'd bit the inside of my cheek by accident. "Ya gonna make it?" I touched his bottom lip with my finger gingerly.

And then Pony surprised me. He shook his head while making a choking sound before pretending to pass out. It was like a little bit of Sodapop shining through, and the fact that there was such an uncanny resemblance between the two of them made it sweeter for me.

"You're a nut!" I laughed out loud, and squeezed Pony closer when his head popped up and he grinned at me.

It would have been just like Soda to go out of his way to get me out of my head by doing something ridiculous like making blue mashed potatoes, or green pancakes, and here was Ponyboy—cute and playful and full of all the tricks our brother taught him.

"You sure you're okay? Besides bein' crazy as hell, I mean?" I grinned at my brother.

A blink and nod before Ponyboy mouthed, "_You?_".

"I am now, little buddy. Thanks, Pony. You saved me."

Pony nodded with a thoughtful look on his face, and then laid back down and rested his head against my shoulder. His voice scratched out; forever damaged by his ordeals in the hospital.

"You save me everyday, Darry."


	33. Chapter 33

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

It'd been years since I'd had the courage to make my way down the concrete walkway and through the trees to see my parents. It'd been a lifetime—so much happening that some days I wasn't sure if it'd all been real or not. The persistent ache in my gut; the gaping hole in my chest reminded me daily that it'd all been true—every agonizing detail still haunting me.

I was ashamed of myself. I should've made more time in my life to visit my parents, but one day would bleed into the next and I woke up one day and years had passed. It's what I'd always told myself anyways. The truth was, I was weak. I wasn't strong enough to face things. It was pure irony that I'd always been revered as being head-strong and dependable, but losing my parents had wounded me deep inside and it never fully mended.

And then Ponyboy…

I wasn't the same man. I fell to my knees—bared my throat to my demons, and they made their mark; tearing into my flesh. They figured out just how weak I was when it came to my brothers, and punished that one weakness I had; ripping and tearing away at the grip I'd had on both Pony and Sodapop. When they couldn't steal Ponyboy from me, they struck again and Soda slipped through my fingertips, and I _still_ couldn't face it.

I still couldn't face losing him when I'd tried so hard to protect him—to protect _me _from this pain again.

His plot had grassed over nicely, and it was everything he'd asked for—tucked snuggly in beside our parents. I busied myself with the task of clearing the leaves and the dead and wilted flowers that had mysteriously made their way to nestle against the headstone I never would have the money to pay for, and I still couldn't look, so I continued onto my parents; on my hands and knees to clear their space from garbage and debris, until it was time to lift my gaze and face my brother.

Soda Patrick Curtis

October 8, 1951 – December 30, 1970

Beloved son, father, friend

Brother

I held my breath, trying to count and multiply numbers in my head; struggling to stay detached, but as the rush of breath through my mouth filled my lungs, I could taste the salt on my tongue while my eyes betrayed me. I tipped my head back and clenched them shut to slow them down, but my heart had been holding onto this grief for just too goddamned long. My whole being stuffed full of all these feelings that I couldn't put a name to and like a volcano I found it all erupting.

"YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!"

The anger I'd unknowingly held towards my brother's death shocked me, and I clasped my hand over my mouth as though I could take it all back, but it was too late. All I could do was forgive him for leaving, and forgive myself for not being able to make him stay.

I knee-walked closer to his name, and rested my body against it as though it could bring the same comfort as Soda's arms always had. I clutched the front of my shirt in my fist while I fought for the right words to say to him, but I didn't know what else to say. There was just this vacancy in my life and in my body that I couldn't fill, and so I sat there with the smooth stone engraved with his name pressing against the damp skin of my cheek.

Silent.

Conflicted.

Alone.

"I'm so sorry, little buddy. I just miss you so goddamned much."

As I pondered that loneliness, I could hear the squeak and clunk of metal moving closer, and out of the corner of my eye I could see a flash of white and yellow, as bright as the sun. I turned my head to see Beth wheeling Ponyboy towards me, a look of worry plastered on both of their faces.

"Darry?" Beth stopped in her tracks as she eyed me carefully, and I didn't want her worrying so I hurriedly rubbed my eyes and tried to seem nonchalant about being curled up against my brother's headstone.

"Hey,"

I tried for normalcy, but there was nothing natural about being slumped over your brother's grave. My voice cracked and throat clamped shut, and I found there was no more use in pretending, so I looked away in shame. I should've been stronger than what I was. I was the one Beth and Pony were counting on to keep level and steady—to be sturdy for them when they needed.

"Baby?"

Beth made to approach me when Pony let his hands slap against the arm rests on his wheelchair. We both looked at him panicked, wondering if he was having a seizure or if he was just falling apart like his oldest brother.

His gaze never left mine as he held out a bouquet of daisies towards Beth. She reluctantly took them in her hands while he proceeded to engage the brakes on his chair. I watched him closely as he turned to lean on his right hip, and felt the tears start back up again when he struggled to push himself up; balancing his weight on his one good leg.

He made a gesture for me to come to him, but I didn't know if I had the strength to get up off the ground. I felt drained and weak and not much of a man as I sat there wallowing in the grass of Soda's resting spot. Then Ponyboy cocked his head to the side and motioned for me again.

There was a familiar twinkle in his eyes that didn't belong to him, but it was just so easy to get lost in the resemblance between him and Sodapop. I slowly stood up and winced a little at the stiffness in my leg, and my brother smiled knowingly, as he mirrored me and rubbed his own thigh.

"When did you get so big, huh?" I teased as I stood in front of Pony and looked down at him with so much pride and love, I could've burst.

Ponyboy didn't say anything, he just shrugged as a smattering of pink dusted across his cheeks, and he held out his hand to Beth for the flowers. She handed them to him carefully.

"Reminds me. Of him. Happy like sunshine."

Ponyboy's voice rattled as the sentences cut off abruptly, but I didn't need a translator. I understood him perfectly, and there was something deep and thoughtful about what he was saying—after all, who knew Soda better than Ponyboy?

"Like a smile." He looked at me carefully.

"_His_ smile." I added, and he nodded happily that I understood him.

I looked at the dead foliage I'd cleaned up earlier; a thought dawning on me.

"You two been coming here a lot?" I looked over at Beth while a protective arm found its way around my brother.

"Since you brought him home. It was the first place he wanted to go."

I looked down at Pony. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Ready. You weren't ready. It's okay. You miss. I know. I miss too."

"You been standing on your own for that long too?" I frowned as I looked between my wife and my brother, none too thrilled about then hiding this kind of progress from me.

"Don't look at me, I didn't know." Beth shrugged as she gave a pointed look at Pony, and he huffed a laugh.

"I always stand. Not a baby. Can't walk though. Darry help." He grinned and I grinned back as I tightened my arm around him, and acted like a human crutch of sorts for his bum leg.

We made the few steps to Soda's grave, and I watched in awe as Pony let go of me to reach out and hold onto the headstone. He let himself fall onto the soft patch of earth and shimmied his way closer to plant a kiss on our brother's name.

"See? He didn't forget you. He come, I told you. Look, Soda! More daisies! They're for you. I steal one for mom, don't get mad."

He gently plucked out one daisy, and without looking he held it out. I didn't notice she even neared us until Beth took the single flower from Pony with one hand, and held onto my arm with the other.

"Whadaya call a ghost's true love? A ghoul-friend!" Pony started talking as though Soda were sitting right beside him, and I didn't know how to feel.

"This is what he does," Beth whispered before checking with Ponyboy. "How much time do you want, pumpkin?"

"Ten?" Pony looked unsure.

"No hurry, sweetie. I'll check back. Take your time." Beth spoke, and then gently guided me away after placing the lone flower against my mother's headstone.

She led me to a bench not far away where we could give Ponyboy the privacy he wanted while still keeping an eye on him.

"Why didn't you say anything?" I asked while gesturing to my brother.

"It's like Pony said, you weren't ready. I was wrong, Darry. I thought facing this head-on would be the answer. I thought leaving Tulsa would be the answer, but look at him."

We watched Pony as he continued talking to our brother, and I'd felt bad for denying him this. I'd let my own denial and needs shadow what was best for him; maybe even convincing myself that he couldn't handle being confronted with the physical proof that our brother was really gone, but of course Ponyboy would teach me otherwise, and not judge me for one minute about my shortcomings as a brother and his guardian.

"Stop doing that." Beth's voice cut into my thoughts.

"Stop doing what?" I looked at her confused.

"Stop putting yourself down. Stop berating yourself for being human. You didn't fail anyone, Darry. For god's sake, you're not expected to be a robot. You're allowed to feel. You're allowed to fall. We'll catch you." She nodded her head towards Ponyboy, and I squeezed her hand.

"What would I do without you?" I brought her hand up to my lips to kiss, and basked in the comfort her and Pony gave me.

"It's okay for you to miss him, Darry. I'm sorry if I made you feel like it wasn't."

"You didn't," I responded quickly. "It ain't that…I just…" I couldn't find the words; I could only shrug my shoulders in resignation. "I'm lost."

And I realized it then. I'd been struggling to find my way since the night my parents were ripped from us. I'd been fumbling around in the dark trying to get through one disaster after another; slowly losing sight of who I once was in the process.

"It changes who you are, Darry—grief and loss, but don't you think for one goddamned second that you're not the wonderful, tender and most loving person that you always have been. I fell in love with you the first time we met because of that, and I'm telling you now, you're still him."

"I love you. You just don't know." I choked, and Beth held my face as she kissed me.

"Oh, I think I have an idea." Her eyes twinkled mischievously, and I couldn't help but grin. "Why don't you go sit with your boys. I'll wait right here until you're both ready."

"Y'know he loved you too. Was tickled pink when I said I was gonna marry you."

Beth smiled and nodded, but made no effort to move. "Another time. I think Pony's wanting you."

I looked over, and sure enough my brother was making grabby hands for me.

"Go on, babe." Beth nudged me, and I slowly eased from beside her and made my way to my brothers.

He was whispering when I planted myself next to him, and I wasn't sure whether to be worried or amused that he'd been gabbing so much that his voice gave out. Pony continued on talking to our brother as though I weren't there until he reached for my hand and squeezed.

"Darry's friend is nice. Helps me get better."

"Who you talkin' 'bout, Ponyboy?" I asked as I squeezed his hand back.

"Bradley," Pony huffed as though I were the village idiot for having to ask, and I just grinned.

"I can stand, but no walk. I tried hopping, but I fell." Ponyboy shrugged.

He stopped for a moment; lifting my hand onto his lap while staring down at our tangled fingers. I could tell something was bothering him—the way he kept his head down and avoided my gaze.

"Somethin' on your mind, Pony?"

He nodded before his voice croaked out. "'Member when Soda wrote letters I didn't answer?"

I nodded back to him. "Yeah, babe. You were pretty angry with him for leaving you."

"You say it okay, 'member? You say mad is okay as long as I tell Soda. Be honest with Soda."

I smiled. "That's right, Ponyboy. Your heart was breakin' over it. I knew you just needed to get it out and let him know how you felt. You two made up, right?"

"He understands. It's okay if you're mad. Soda not mad at you. He sorry for leaving."

And once again I felt flabbergasted by just how amazing my brother was. I was once again in awe by his strength.

"I love you, y'know that, right?" I couldn't help but get a little mushy after he'd shown me what I'd never seen on my own.

It was okay to feel whatever I was feeling because he was right; there was nothing that Soda wouldn't understand.

Pony nodded as he tugged on my arm, trying to put it around himself so he could curl up closer to me.

"He's okay, Soda. I promise I'll take care of him for you." Pony whispered at the headstone, and I felt my eyes start to sting again. "We go home now?"

"Yeah, kiddo. Take me home." I grinned feeling a lot more whole than when I'd first found my way to that green patch of earth and the epitaph of my brother's.

* * *

I groaned in annoyance as the high shrill of the telephone shot out in the dead of night. I tried to ignore it by shoving my head further into my pillow, but a gentle shove from Beth was enough for me to pry my eyes open.

"What the hell time is it?" I groaned as I rolled over; rubbing at my face tiredly.

"Mmmm," Beth couldn't even answer.

I looked over to the clock that read three-thirty, and my stomach flipped slightly knowing something was wrong. I threw the covers off as I hurried to make the phone before all of the ringing ceased. My heart was in my throat as I picked up the receiver.

"Hello?"

"Darry?" Sandy's shaky voice was on the other end, and I immediately felt my panic rising.

"Sandy, what's goin' on?"

"Please, Darry. You've gotta come down! Please!"

"Is it the baby? Is Jack alright? Are you okay? Sandy, what's goin' on?"

"It's him. I can't do this anymore, Darry. I tried…I just can't…" Her voice broke off as she sobbed, and I couldn't help but think back to my run-in with Evie.

"Is it Steve?" I blurted without thinking, and I heard Sandy take in a shocked breath.

"What?"

"I talked to Evie, Sandy. Whatever's goin' on with you and him, y'know I don't care. I just want y'all to know I don't judge. Soda wouldn't either."

Whatever it was I'd said cut her into pieces, and I listened quietly as she sobbed uncontrollably. I'd felt horrible that she felt the need to hide—that they both needed to hide from me. Steve was mourning the loss as much as we all were, and I'd made my peace that he found comfort in the mother of my nephew. We could all work it out.

And it's how I found myself at the VA hospital in Gainesville Florida the day after.

I shuffled down the hall nervously with my wife at my side while she wheeled Pony in front. Gainesville was the last place I thought I'd find myself, and I worried even more being as it was a hospital, thinking the worst had happened to Steve while returning Stateside from the war.

She was waiting for us at the nursing station as she'd said; nervous and shifty with her eyes red and swollen, but she said nothing to us. We were lead down to the end of the hall where I saw the familiar stature of the man I'd come to consider family.

"Greg!" Pony croaked, and my heart pounded as nausea set in.

We moved closer, and I stood in shock as Greg tearfully gazed at Ponyboy. He reached down to comb his fingers through Pony's hair before giving him a kiss on the forehead, but when he stood up straight to look at me, I stopped breathing.

"Why are you here?" Beth asked.

"She called. I was on the first flight down. I swear I didn't know, Darry. I made her call you as soon as I found out."

"Knew what?" I gasped, and then turned my head to peer in the small rectangular window of the door.

At that point I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but it definitely wasn't the soft curl of golden hair against the pillow where he lay facing away from the door. I didn't need to be told—the rush of breath through my nose seemed to light a fire in my veins, and nobody needed to tell me anything because I knew it was him.

"Pepsi!"


	34. Chapter 34

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who's still following this journey, and those that sent the enthusiastic reviews last chapter. I really thought I'd need a few weeks to regroup, but here I am ahead of schedule. Y'all may hate me after this, but...well...I hope not. Thank you!

* * *

"Pepsi?"

My stomach rolled and my heart pounded in my ears. I knew—I felt it. I could feel it coursing through my veins right along with the blood we three shared. My brother was alive, by some fucking miracle I didn't believe or understand. Soda was there— laying in that room just on the other side of the door.

It'd been two years ago those soldiers brought the news of my brother's demise, and my life had been spent in the shade. I hung on as much as I could for the sake of my wife and surviving brother, but losing Sodapop…

Two years, and now we were in the hallway of some military hospital so far away from Tulsa. He could've been home where I would've made sure he was safe and well looked after. He could've been home with his brother—sharing whispered secrets while they protected one another. He could've been home surrounded by family that loved and adored him while that family grew even bigger with the addition of his son. Two years were stolen. Two years that were filled with loss and the desperation that came with grieving somebody so integral to our existence.

Two goddamned fucking years of torture.

My arm shot out; shoving her into the wall while my hand wrapped firmly around her shoulder, and I found myself towering over her in a rage I'd only ever felt once before. She cried in remorse and desperation as my hand gripped her hard enough to leave bruises, but her tears would never be able to melt the coldness I felt for her right then.

Two years that were stolen away by her silence and by her lies.

"Darry!"

Beth admonished, and I felt my wife trying to pull me from the weeping blonde in front of me, but I could only focus on the betrayal and the lies.

"You _KNEW_!" I hissed through clenched teeth as I gripped her shoulders even tighter. "You watched us suffer. You let us burry him all the while telling me to find Two-Bit and Pony 'cause it was what he _WANTED_?"

"Darry! Let her go now!" Beth's voice was firm and commanding, and I suddenly remembered who I was and who I wasn't.

I looked over at my wife in shock and shame; my eyes welling up with the knowledge she'd seen me so physically aggressive towards a woman. It may have been warranted, but it wasn't who I was—it wasn't how my mom or my dad raised me.

"I'm sorry," I gasped before I lurched forward and found the contents of my stomach—bile and blood all over the tiled floor.

I heard my name being called from different sources, and I reached up blindly to steady myself against something—anything, when my knees hit the floor and I was a hysterical mess.

"WHY?" I screeched out at anyone who would bother to listen to my utter anguish.

"Shhhh…Darry. Shhhh…I got you, Darry."

And he did.

Greg held my weight as I couldn't even muster the strength to stay upright. My face was shoved into his shoulder as I let go and let myself fall apart.

"It's okay, Darry. It's going to be alright. He's here, Darry. We're all here to get him better and take him home. That's all that matters now."

"Why?" I cried.

It was the only coherent thought I could utter. Nothing in my head could make sense of what was going on. I'd finally found the last ounce of courage I owned to let me be able to let Soda go, and now I was on the hospital floor with him in the next room.

So close, but so far away from me.

"Just what on earth is going on here?"

A stern voice boomed behind me and I couldn't bring myself to care. Everything was raw; every nerve ending of mine exposed and vulnerable, and all I could do was cling to Greg like a lifeline to my brother where every promise he made was a promise I knew he'd never break because he never had before.

"I'm so sorry, Dr. Burton. This is his family. They didn't know…they didn't know he was alive." His voice was choking with emotion.

"Dr. Allain, we should take this to another place. This kind of scene isn't doing anyone any good, especially Steven."

I looked up in confusion. "_Steven_?"

"Shut up, Darry!" Sandy warned through tears, and I pointed my finger threateningly at her.

"Okay, that's enough, the both of you!" Beth took control of an uncontrollable situation before I could spit my venom. "Sandy, please. This is a lot to take in; he's in shock and rightfully so. Can you go find some towels and I'll clean the floor? Bring me a washcloth? Please."

I heard the light patter of Sandy's steps fading as Beth was suddenly there on her knees next to me and Greg; her hands cradling my face.

"Darry, you need to calm down. You're scaring us and you're going to make yourself even more sick. Deep breaths, baby. I want you to take deep breaths."

She was my rock like she always had been, and I felt my nerves settle a little as I looked in her eyes and followed her lead as we took slow breaths inward, and then slowly let those breaths go together. I could feel Greg's hand still on me offering even more support. My body started a weak tremble as I gathered my composure, and slowly got up off of my knees to look around.

"I'm sorry." I wiped at my mouth hastily; the taste of blood and bile turning my stomach sour. "I'm so sorry." I shrugged, not knowing what else to do or say.

"Up until this morning, I wasn't even aware Steve had a family. You can imagine my shock to walk into this."

I don't know why I was surprised the doctor was a woman, but it didn't puzzle me half as much as the fact that she kept calling my brother Steve. It was clear there was way more going on than I was aware of, but I was determined to get to the bottom of it all.

"Mr. Randle, I'm Joann Burton. I've been looking after Steve since he was transferred here last week."

"He's not…"

"I'm not…" I started at the same time as Beth, and we looked at each other and then Dr. Burton in confusion.

"I have a lot of questions, and I think it'd be best if we could sit in my office while we discuss Steve's case. Is this everyone?" She look pointedly at me, and I felt like I was in some sort of dream.

I nodded as I looked from Greg to Beth, and then back at the doctor before Greg squeezed my arm.

"Pony. Darry, where'd Ponyboy go?"

And I'd felt something shift as I neared the door and peered through the small window. He was so small and quiet—never asking for anything from anyone in order to buffer the shock to his heart. That was never his way. His way was to go to Soda—he would always seek out Sodapop. Soda…the secret to everything that was Ponyboy.

I eased inside the room to find his wheelchair pushed up against the side of the bed, and somehow Ponyboy had managed his way over the side rail and onto the bed next to his brother; curled up against his side. Sodapop laid still as a corpse with a blanket pulled up over his shoulders without any clue that we were even there.

I found myself that day in that hospital room. The pieces of me that were broken clicked together, and I remembered who I was. I remembered what my job was; the unsaid promises I'd made to my mom and dad over their graves—to love and protect my brothers no matter what. The two brothers laying in that hospital bed were everything. Beth had been right; they were the loves of my life and I wasn't complete unless they were both with me.

And there they both were, and there was more than just joy or relief. There wasn't enough to be said about the peace brought to me. I felt whole. The stitching, patching, and taping the pieces of myself had only been a bandaid and the pieces were just too heavy. The bandaid couldn't hold; but the sight of my brothers together washed over me like those waves in Mexico washing over my feet, when I tried to forget and couldn't. Peace was now mine to be had.

Sodapop looked awful. Happy, delighted, enraged or cut down to tears, his face had always been an abundance of life that expressed whatever he was feeling to the world, but here he was pale and emotionless. His eyes were closed; sunken in with dark circles screaming to me how tired he was even though he wasn't conscious, and I wondered what in the world had happened to him.

Pony sucked in a breath and brought me out of my thoughts. He clung onto Sodapop like Soda had clung onto him when it was Ponyboy laying in a hospital bed, and I let my hands rub over the backs of his shoulders while he trembled.

"I dreamin'?" Pony croaked as he tried to hold onto Soda tighter with his weak arm.

"Feels like it, but I don't think so, baby. If you are, then I am too." I whispered into his ear before kissing it.

"I miss him so…bad!" Pony's harsh whisper was broken off by his body as it racked from the tears he was trying to hold back.

"I know, little buddy. I miss him too." I cooed while my fingers threaded and ran through his hair.

"Darry, you sick…you okay?" Ponyboy suddenly seemed to be back in the moment and my initial reaction to the truth that our brother—our Sodapop was still alive.

"Hey," I grinned at his worry for me, feeling touched by it. "It's alright, don't worry 'bout a thing. I'm okay now."

While Ponyboy monopolized the one side of our brother where he decided to lay, I decided to shuffle over to the opposite side where I could see them both better. There was a chair up against the wall, and I pushed it closer.

"Home." Pony sniffed and then looked at me. "We go home and take care of Soda. You—me."

I nodded as my fingers tentatively touched Soda's face. That was exactly what was in my mind; there was nothing more that I wanted to do, but there were so many unanswered questions gnawing at me.

"Close your eyes, little buddy. It's been a long couple of days; get some sleep."

"What if they come? Push me away?" Pony stared at his brother in absolute adoration, and despite the unknown looming over us, I felt a security that had been missing since Soda shipped off to war.

"Anyone touches a hair on your head, they're gonna answer to me, savvy?"

Pony gave a small smile before shoving his face into Soda's neck. I eased back into the chair and took my place keeping watch over two of the most important people in my life.

* * *

I startled ; eyes snapping open while my body jerked itself awake with the rest of me. My eyes locked onto the two sleeping forms in the hospital bed, and I could take that breath my body needed in order to settle. It hadn't been a dream. Sodapop was alive, and this was really happening.

"You nodded off, I didn't want to wake you." Beth's voice was soft and soothing from a chair that was pushed next to mine.

"What time is it?"I slurred as my hands rubbed up and down my face in an attempt to wake.

"Supper. It's okay, you haven't been asleep long."

I nodded as I looked curiously at my brothers. Pony was still curled into Soda like he was purposely made to fit next to him. Soda had moved while I'd been asleep; his face turned awkwardly towards his brother while he lay still and flat on his back. He looked uncomfortable and unlike his usual self that would've been curled up right along with Pony by now.

"What is it?" Beth asked concerned, no doubt noticing the expression on my face.

"This ain't right—he ain't right." I whispered as I pulled the corner of the blanket down so I could hold Soda's hand, but found it was held down to the bed in a thick leather strap and buckle.

"What the fuck?" I felt my temper flare as I grabbed at the sheets and found his ankle buckled too.

Pony lay on top of the covers on his left, but I could still assume all four of Soda's limbs were held down. All I could think of was how I'd found Ponyboy tied up and left for dead, and my rage escalated.

"Darry," Beth saw the switch in me right away, and had her hands on my shoulders. "They're pinel restraints."

"What the fuck are they doin' restraining my brother for?" I yelled, but it wasn't at Beth and she knew it.

"Baby, they use them for good reason and we'll find out why. You need to calm down." Her hand brushed into my hair, and I looked over at her and forced myself to listen.

Beth knew what she was talking about, and would never lie to me. She cared for my brothers. She wanted what was best for them, and I trusted her as much as I'd ever trusted another soul.

I nodded. "I don't want Pony to see him like this."

"Alright, baby. What do you want me to do?"

I looked back over to my brothers, and pulled the sheets up over Sodapop. His head was still facing his brother—neck bent awkwardly so his face was resting in Pony's hair. I wanted to reach out to touch Soda; to give him some sort of comfort but I reached for Pony instead.

"Pony?" I spoke lowly while I pet his head firmly. "Pony, wake up."

Pony opened his eyes lazily at first, but then closed them as he burrowed his face further into Sodapop's shoulder.

"Ponyboy, I need you to go with Beth."

"Not goin'," was the grumble I got in return. "Not leavin' him."

"Ponyboy, look at me." My hand urged his head, and he faced me tiredly. "I want you and Beth to go get somethin' to eat, ya hear?"

"Darry," Pony shook his head in complaint, and I knew I'd have my work cut out for me in order to ever separate my two brothers again.

"Don't argue, Pony. You wanna take care of him, don'tcha?"

Ponyboy nodded eagerly.

"Then you gotta eat and keep up your strength for Sodapop. I'll watch over him until you get back and then you watch him for me while I go eat. Sound like a plan, little buddy?"

Pony watched me for a moment before nodding resignedly. "'Kay, Darry. But what if he wakes up 'n I ain't here?" He whispered.

"I promise I'll keep him awake for you if he does."

I stood straight, and turned to my wife; wrapping my arms around her and feeling the security of her arms around me.

"Keep him occupied. Gimme half hour if you can." My mouth was up against her ear so Pony stayed unaware of my request.

Beth turned her face into mine, and our lips seemed mostly resting against each other more than it was a kiss.

"I love you," I kept my voice low, and she nodded that she heard.

"You need help, little buddy?" I asked as I moved towards him; not waiting for his answer, just hauling him up off the bed so I could quickly get him in his chair and out of the room.

"O…kay?" Ponyboy looked at me puzzled, but didn't say anything more before Beth was at the back of the wheelchair and pushing my brother towards the door.

"Let's go, pumpkin. We won't be long."

I didn't waste time feeling guilty for all but pushing Ponyboy out of the way. I didn't want him to see his brother chained down to the hospital bed. I didn't want him seeing Soda like that or the memories it could stir up for him.

I stood there watching Soda, and it seemed so strange—so surreal. I eased over to the bed and slowly lowered the side rail so that I could sit in the spot Pony had occupied a few minutes before. I didn't notice the emptiness when I sat down, I just concentrated on how defeated Soda looked, and when I tugged on the sheets and looked at the blue hospital acquired pajamas he'd been dressed in, it didn't hit me right away why I didn't find his wrist strapped to the bed like his other one. I couldn't understand why his left sleeve was empty.

My stomach pulled and I think I was in shock. I gasped and my eyes flickered back to my brother's face and I was met with a couple of half-open pools of brown that looked as weary as the rest of him did. His eyebrows pulled up as he mouthed my name; his face suddenly filled with sadness.

"Shhhh…" my hands cupped his face.

"She called you? I didn't want her to call you. I told her not to call you." His voice was weak like the rest of him.

"Why? Why would you do that Soda? Why wouldn't you want me to know you were here? Why wouldn't you wanna come home?" I felt the tears on my face, knowing there was no way of hiding anything from him.

He knew everything about me. He knew me better than I knew myself. That was who Soda was.

"I didn't want you to know."

And the dam within him broke, and he cried. I wanted to hold him but couldn't for the goddamned belts holding him in place, and I knew there was so much more going on than what I was seeing and feeling.

I held my brother's face as I pressed my lips to his forehead which only set him off further, and instead of trying to slow his tears, my own joined. I let my forehead lean against his, and I cried with him. Sodapop was bright and clever. He was soft and strong and everything that war wasn't. He was the sun shining in my life again.

"I'm sorry, Darry! I'm so sorry!" Soda's cries broke into my heart, and I kissed his head again.

"Why on earth are you sorry? Soda…" my voice choked off seeing him in so much pain.

"I was supposed to make you proud. I didn't mean to let you down!"

"Soda…c'mon, little buddy ya gotta stop talkin' like that. You didn't let me down! I could never be more proud; you could never let me down!"

But my insistence just seemed to cause him more grief. He arched his back and struggled to break free from the restraints, but his attempt was in vain. I let up—watching him struggle when the flash of a metal chain around his neck caught my eye.

I frowned in confusion and fished the dog tags out from the buttoned pyjama top, and I could feel the blood drain from my face.

RANDLE

S.N.

US

O NEGATIVE

"No, Christ no!" I closed my eyes and clenched them tight.

What had happened—I didn't know, but I knew with time my brother would heal enough to tell me. Right now his suffering was clear, and there was no way I wanted him to feel as though he were alone.

I didn't want to jostle him, so I was extra careful when I slipped an arm underneath his shoulders; an unease hitting me as I became even more aware of Sodapop's missing arm. He watched me as I moved; no physical pain registering when I curled up close against him like Ponyboy had. The hospital bed was small and cramped, but I made it work by curling up to my brother even more.

"Darry…please!" He sobbed, and rolled his head closer.

"Together, remember? Us three against the world?"

Soda nodded solemnly, tucking his face into me, and I held onto him for dear life. Having Soda back was everything, and I was still trying to process it all. It was a shock to the system, and I knew our good fortune had come at a great cost. A great cost to us all, but especially to Sodapop.

Steve Randle was gone.


	35. Chapter 35

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

* * *

Thank you once again to all that have followed; whether you leave feedback or not, you are very much loved and appreciated by me, so stay safe out there!

* * *

Sodapop slept like he hadn't slept in years, and knowing the tidbits of what he'd been through by the clues left on his body, it seemed likely that he hadn't. I stayed glued to the uncomfortable chair at his bedside, and hoped I could coax Soda out of the protective cocoon he encased himself in, but Soda would barely speak to me since that first day he broke down.

Nobody but Soda knew the horrors of what he'd been through over in Vietnam, and no amount of begging or pleading would make him break his silence. Dr. Burton had expressed her own concerns over his reluctance to talk about his experiences during therapy, and warned about the dangers of him keeping it all in; like a container under pressure just waiting for the first sign of an air leak so it can explode.

Again, Greg had come to the rescue. He never said anything about the life he was leaving back in Alberta to stick around, but it was just like him. The count was too high; all of the times Greg stayed strong and steady for all of us. He risked his own security—his job and dream of being a doctor just to help my family, and here we were once again. I could never repay Greg, and he never asked me to. He only ever wanted a place to belong, so it was important to me for him to know he'd always belong with us.

Things became increasingly stressful when the hospital clamped down on when we could visit. Because Soda's emotional condition seemed tenuous, we weren't allowed to visit for prolonged periods. I didn't understand what they meant by his "emotional health" at first, until I saw the bandage wrapped tightly around Sodapop's remaining arm. I hadn't been there to see Soda at his worst, and he refused to even acknowledge it.

I didn't know how to help my brother.

It took some time, but when Dr. Burton and the staff noticed how much more pliant Soda was with Ponyboy and I, she conceded to allow one of us to stay with him overnight. It immediately got Ponyboy's shackles up. He knew I'd be the one to stay, and I'd felt guilty until the holes in my bones gave a throb of reminder of just what life was like without Sodapop, and the guilt didn't matter. The image of my brother trying to take his own life was more than I could handle. I'd made up my mind that nothing would remove me from his side. I'd be the one to help him through this setback. I'd fix it—it's what I would do as his big brother. It was _my _job. I was going to get my brother back.

It was early morning on a Monday when I felt the door open. I opened my eyes to watch my youngest brother quietly wheel himself up against the hospital bed, engage the brakes to his chair in order to push himself up to stand so he could slide into the bed next to his brother. Words between Pony and I had been few. He blamed me for him not being able to stay.

I closed my eyes and waited for the tell tale signs of my wife entering, when I heard Soda's voice instead.

"Hey, you. How long you been there starin'?" I heard Sodapop grumble with the sound of bed sheets rustling.

I couldn't hear Pony's answer; I assumed he mouthed something to his brother.

"You didn't wake me up, don't worry. Your voice real sore, honey?"

Again there was a silent reply.

"We gotta get you drinkin' warm things for your throat, like hot water n' honey, tea, or hey, you can start drinkin' coffee with Darry!"

I could imagine the horrified look on Pony's face for the suggestion by the snicker Sodapop let out.

"No to coffee—got it. How 'bout hot chocolate? You wouldn't say no to that, would ya?"

"With marshmallows," I added while I slowly opened my eyes and I looked at my two brothers squished together on the hospital bed.

Sodapop's eyes still had a tiredness to them, but the days he was able to sleep seemed to help erase the dark circles. He gave me a small grin before turning his head to hide his face in his brother's hair, as though he were hiding from me. As if I'd know his deepest, darkest secrets by just looking at him.

"You hungry, Soda?" I asked as I eyed the tray of food on his bedside table.

"'Spose so. Food here ain't much to write home about, though." He croaked before bumping his forehead lightly against his brother's.

"Let's go down to the cafeteria. We'll keep it simple. Don't order anything they can mess up."

Soda nodded.

I eased myself out of the hard chair I'd been sleeping in, and stretched out while giving a ferocious yawn. Twisting at the waist, I heard the vertebrae in my back pop before I slowly bent down to throw my shoes back on. I winced as I felt the muscles in my left leg pull.

"Darry," Soda looked at me with concern. "Go get some rest, for Pete's sake!"

"I ain't leavin' you here by your lonesome, so don't start." I brushed him off.

"I ain't by my lonesome. I got Pony here to keep me company, 'sides, he's better company 'n you are."

"You need a wheelchair? You can sit on Pony's lap." I didn't acknowledge Soda's plea.

There was no discussion to be had; I wasn't going anywhere. I gestured to Ponyboy's wheelchair that was tucked up beside the bed.

"I think I can manage. Still have both my legs at least." Soda muttered at me as he rolled himself out of the bed. "Gimme a sec, I gotta pee. And no, I don't need you to hold it for me. I can do it myself."

Ponyboy and I stood awkwardly looking after him as Sodapop slowly shuffled to the bathroom. He looked a little off balance, and I wondered if it was because of the missing arm at his side, or if he was swaying because he was still tired. He left the door open, as were the orders by Dr. Burton.

He was still deemed a danger to himself.

"You ever gonna talk to me again?" I turned to my other brother when he refused my extended hand as help to get back into his wheelchair.

Pony shrugged stubbornly while avoiding eye contact. I could only roll my eyes.

"Cripes," I muttered as Soda slowly made his way back.

"Mind givin' me a hand with that robe?"

Soda nodded towards an ugly patterned robe that was no doubt courtesy of the hospital. It was slung carelessly over a table at the side of his bed. I walked over and grabbed it before returning to my brother.

"Where ya need me?" I asked clumsily, not knowing if my brother was comfortable with his new body yet.

"Just hold it open for me so I can shove my arm in, thanks." He mumbled moodily, and I didn't know what to say.

I realized that I was the one uncomfortable with his new body.

He pushed his right arm through the sleeve and then reached around the front of his neck to grab for the robe's collar to pull it over his left shoulder. When it looked secure enough that it wouldn't slip off, he turned around to face me.

"Tie me up; now's your chance. Everybody in this shithole's been jumpin' at the chance to tie me down."

He wasn't trying to be funny. He was picking at me to see if I'd take the bait.

"Is this a mistake?" I cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Is what a mistake?" He sneered back at me.

"Letting you out of this room. You spoilin' for a fight, Pepsi-cola, or you just wake up on the wrong side of the universe?" I warned him.

"You ain't even gonna ask me about my arm?" Soda deflected.

"Do you want me to ask you about your arm?" My heart thudded at the prospect of Soda opening up finally, but I should've known it was just wishful thinking.

"Cut it out! Don't hand me any of that mumbo jumbo horseshit the shrinks do, Darry. I get enough of it already!"

Soda's gift had always been understanding everyone else. All our lives I could count on him to know me more than I knew myself, but what he'd forgotten while he was away at war, was that I knew him the same way. This was him testing my love and my patience. This was Sodapop being terrified of me not loving him anymore.

"You can talk about it in your time—when you're ready, Pepsi. I ain't here to fight with you, and if it makes you feel better, then give it your best shot kid, 'cause I just got you back from the goddamned dead, and it'll be a cold day in hell that I let you go again. So go on—do what you gotta do to get through this. I'll be here for you when you're ready."

The glare he wore eased a bit, but I could tell we were far from where we needed to be. I'd meant what I'd said—I could be the target for all of Sodapop's anger and resentment over life and the shitty deal he got handed in it, and I'd take whatever he wanted to dish out. I wasn't going anywhere. I'd see him through the pain he was dealing with.

Pony took a shaky breath at our stand-off, and we'd suddenly realized he was there too; quiet and not quite understanding what was happening between his two big brothers. I sighed resignedly; letting Soda know I was bowing down to whatever he was ready for, and he gave a nod towards Pony.

"You're gonna have to steer."

"You need a lift as well? Doubt he'd mind if you sat on his lap."

Soda didn't answer, but gave me a short huff and a ghost of a grin.

* * *

"Do you think it hurts?"

Pony's voice raked out in the dark startling me, but it wasn't because I was asleep. The reality was that I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep because I wanted to be with Sodapop, but utter exhaustion had me ready to collapse on my face, and before I knew it Beth was giving me hell and pushing me out the door. It'd been a few weeks and I'd left reluctantly only because I knew she'd look after my brother better than I was probably capable of.

I left for the cheap motel room, and the lumpy mattress I was sharing with the other brother who was barely speaking to me.

"What hurts?" I asked.

"His arm. Think it hurts?"

"I dunno, Pony. I know Soda's in pain, but not necessarily physical pain, ya dig?"

"'Cause Steve's dead?"

"Yeah, Pony. Also 'cause of the war and everything that happened there. Whatever it is 's eatin' him up inside. He's struggling."

"Wanna help." Pony rasped, and I nodded even though he couldn't see.

"I know, Ponyboy. I do too, but it'll be hard until he decides to let us in."

He was quiet after that, and I worried I'd said the wrong thing. I'd been so blinded by my relief and joy of having Sodapop back in our lives, so much so that maybe I hadn't been what he was needing right then. I wanted Soda to open up to me, and told him as much, but maybe Soda needed a different approach.

I was so tired of struggling, and so afraid of losing my brother again, I wasn't sure what to do anymore. I'd brought it up with Greg the next day in the hospital cafeteria while we grabbed supper. Soda had another bad night and wasn't allowed to leave the ward. Beth and Ponyboy stayed with him in his room while Greg pulled me away so I could take a break.

"Darry, he knows he's safe with you. He knows he can push and you'll still love him. This is going to take some time."

"I don't understand," I pushed my tray away in frustration. "Why can't we just talk it out? It's like he don't even want me here. He don't want my help."

"He isn't open to anyone's help right now. It's shell shock, Darry..."

"Shell shock?" I frowned at Greg's suggestion. "C'mon, you can't be serious. I mean with all due respect, that ain't Soda."

I'd read stories about the soldiers in the first and second wars coming home mute and not able to remember who they even were. I didn't think it fit what was going on with Soda. My brother was functioning, he was just acting irritable and detached from me.

"Darry, they're doing more and more studies on battle fatigue and shell shock. Just think about it—Soda was still a kid when they sent him over. He was put in impossible situations; saving people's lives while being scared to death that he was going to lose his own. Everyday dodging bullets and explosions while men are laying next to him bleeding out and dying. Trust me, it's not a ridiculous deduction."

"And Steve…" I added, the truth suddenly dawning on me that Greg wasn't really that far out in left field about Soda at all. "I'm scared, Greg. He's always talked to me about things."

But that wasn't exactly the truth. Soda had kept a lot of big things a secret from me. He'd kept his signing up for Vietnam a secret, and then finding out about Jack had been another shock. And then that night when the unthinkable happened, and Martin Campbell had helped himself into our home—making Sodapop watch as he terrorized our brother.

"He hasn't talked to Pony?"

I shook my head. "Don't think so. They just huddle together on that bed 'till they fall asleep."

"Darry," Greg suddenly looked uncomfortable. "Can I maybe make a suggestion you might not like?"

I nodded, concerned over Greg's sudden self-consciousness.

"You've always said that Sodapop was the answer to everything that was Ponyboy. Is it maybe possible that the same thing is true in reverse?"

"Yeah, of course. Those two are…"

"Like two peas in a pod." Greg smiled warmly. "You've said that often."

I nodded and couldn't help but to think back to my brothers. They were constantly glued to each other, even when the worst had happened.

"That night," Greg's voice cracked. "The night that man took Ponyboy from the house…I know you don't like to talk about it, but…the way Pony and Soda were together…do you think that maybe Soda would feel more comfortable talking with Pony?"

"But he hasn't, Greg. That's the thing!" I was worried and frustrated.

"I know, Darry, but he hasn't been given the chance to be alone with him, right? You're always around. I…I don't mean that like it's a bad thing, I just…" Greg tried to backtrack.

"No," I shook my head, knowing that Greg was onto a great deal of truth. "No, you're right. They've only had a few minutes of alone time. I just…I'm too scared to leave in case…if Soda tries to hurt himself again, I could never forgive myself."

"I know how much you love both of them, Darry. My God, I see it in your face when you talk about them…but maybe it's not your turn to save him. Maybe it's time to step back?"

"I know what you're tryin' to say. I'm not the one he needs right now, I just…"

I couldn't help but feel rejected. It was selfish, but I couldn't help the twinge of jealousy. Greg was right to bring up that night—it'd been on my mind for awhile. Ponyboy had survived his own horrors—his own trauma, and it made sense that Sodapop would open up to him. I just needed to get over my own shit.

"Darry, Soda will always need you." Greg reached across the table and grabbed my hand.

I could only nod.

"Darry," Greg started, and I'd felt ridiculous.

"I know; I'm being stupid. I just…"

"You're his big brother. It's ingrained in you to want to protect and to save him, but only Sodapop can save Sodapop, Darry. All we can do is stand by and support him when he needs it."

I felt my eyes burn with tears as I clenched my jaw. A part of me died the day I was told my brother was killed in action. Having him alive and seeing him suffer felt like it was killing me too.

"Okay," I sniffed as I felt the trickle trace down my cheek. "Let's round up Beth and go. Ya know if there's anything to do around this place?"

Greg squeezed my hand and smiled reassuringly. "It's going to be okay, Darry."


	36. Chapter 36

I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

**Warning: Fluff, fluff, a lot of Curtis brother fluff. Read at your own risk.**

* * *

I was feeling defeated as Greg and I returned to Soda's room from the cafeteria. I knew in my head that it had nothing to do with me not being enough, or Soda not wanting me around to smother him and mother-hen him to death, but I still felt a gnawing in my gut that told me I'd failed.

I'd been failing since my parents died. I'd been making promises that I couldn't keep.

Greg placed his hand on my shoulder as we walked to the end of the hall where Soda's room was, and I could feel my insides churning. This should've been one of the most happy and thrilling moments of my life—finding out that my brother had made it out of Vietnam in relatively one piece, but he wasn't the same and I didn't know if he ever would be because he wouldn't let me in, and I had all of these conflicting feelings about it.

"Darry, you need to take a deep breath." Greg's voice was steady; everything that I wasn't at that moment.

"Wha?" I was only half-listening as I looked in the doorway to watch my brothers together with Beth.

Her hand was over her mouth and she was laughing as Soda teased his brother lovingly over a story that no doubt took place before my world started eroding away from the centre.

"He wanted to save it?" Beth's face was red, and tears leaked from the outside corners of her eyes as my brother had her laughing hysterically.

"I don't 'member! No fair!" Pony was winded as he, along with Soda and Beth, were laughing; his face pink with embarrassment.

"Awe Pone, ya don't remember worryin' your head over that cotton mouth? He sure did like your drawers." Soda teased, pulling Pony closer to him so he could kiss his head.

"What did Darry say?" Beth wheezed.

"I thought he was gonna strangle 'em!" Soda vibrated; kissing Pony on the head again before he caught sight of me and Greg in the doorway. "There he is! Darry get in here! I was tellin' Beth 'bout that time Pony had the ratt'ler in his drawer!"

The smile on his face was genuine, and it sparked a bit of hope in me. I could see the remnants of the boy he once was as he sat side-by-side with the brother he'd always been so crazy about. Greg had been right, of course. Only Ponyboy could pull Soda out of his shell.

I thought back to the day Soda was sharing, and I grinned fondly. It was a time of youth and innocence; a time in my life I wasn't remotely aware of the horrors that would face any of us. I thought the worst thing that'd ever happen to us would be the passing of our parents, but I was naïve. I had no clue how bad life could get. I had no clue about the pain of loss until I thought I'd lost everything.

"Crazy morning, that's for sure." I added quietly. "Look, I'm gonna head 'er. Think you two can manage without burnin' the place down, or gettin' thrown in the slammer?"

"We're going?" Beth looked surprised as I nodded stiffly.

"C'mon Darry, I was just gettin' started with all the embarrassing stories about you. Don't bail now!" Soda teased, but there was somethin' in the look he gave me that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

"Sorry to disappoint." I grinned tightly before turning to make my way out the door.

"Darry!" Pony's voice cracked as he tried to holler, and I turned my head to see my youngest brother panic-stricken.

"Hey," I rushed over to the bed and over to my brothers. "Pony…"

"Are you mad?" Pony rasped as he worried the side of his head with his crooked hand.

I sat on the other side of him and pet his hair while I smiled gently at him. "Now, why would I be mad at you, hmmm?"

Pony shrugged. "'Cause I was a jerk and mad at _you_?"

I huffed a laugh before pulling him gently from under Soda's arm so that I could wrap both of mine around him. I looked at Soda, and noticed him cock his head slightly before a soft smile covered his face—a smile that reached his eyes.

"You were right to be angry. You two deserve some time together and I hogged Soda all to myself." I gently pulled myself from Pony's hold. "I'm sorry for doin' that. Forgive me?"

Pony nodded with a sort of sad look on his face, and it looked like he was going to start crying.

"Hey," I pulled him back into me tightly. "I want you to take good care of him tonight, okay? It's your turn, baby."

"'M'kay," Pony sniffed before shoving his face in my neck. "You sure, Darry? What if I mess up?"

I broke our hold and gave him a playful wink before nodding. "He needs you, little buddy. We're gonna putter off and look around town—find out if this place has anything worth seein'. If you need anything, I'll leave the number of the motel at the desk."

I pressed my mouth to his forehead and breathed in while I kissed him. I pulled away and stood up; heading for the door without looking back so I wouldn't change my mind.

"Darry?" I heard Soda call after me as I made to leave the room.

I didn't stop to see what he had to say. I was too weak. If he asked me to stay, I knew I'd cave and say yes.

"Darry, c'mon! What the fuck?"

I felt his hand grip my shoulder from behind, and I let him slowly turn me around to face him.

"What the fuck was that? Where ya think you're goin'?" Soda looked at me in confusion.

"You don't need me…"

"What? Don't be ridiculous, Darry. Of course I need you!" Soda was exasperated as he interrupted me.

"Just let me speak, for cripes sake, would ya?"

Soda stopped, biting the bottom corner of his lip.

"I've been lookin' at this whole thing wrong, okay? I've been selfish, and…" I didn't know what I wanted to say to my brother except that I was…

"I'm sorry. It's just finding you here after thinking you've been dead for the last couple years 's sorta scrambled my brain, y'know?"

I watched his face for some sort of understanding, but his eyebrows furrowed, and he avoided my gaze.

"I thought I could just bust in and take charge, y'know? And everything would be like it useta be. Y'know, I could just be your big brother and make everything okay again, but life don't work that way, does it?"

A tear fell down his cheek as he slowly shook his head. "I'm sorry, Darry."

"Why?"

"'Cause I feel like I'm hurtin' you, and I don't wanna do that. 'S why I didn't want you here—I didn't want you findin' me and seein' how fucked up I am. I just hurt you 'n it's the last thing I wanna do. You don't deserve that."

"Shhh…" I didn't know what else to do except grab onto Soda, and clutch him to me. "If you need me to go…if this is what you need, then I'll do it. Just don't…"

I wanted to beg Soda not to shut me out, but it wasn't up to me. It was up to Sodapop.

"…Just know I'm here for you, little buddy. God, I just love you so much!" I fought back the urge to cry.

"Awe, c'mon Darry. You act like I'm gonna disappear." He hiccuped a laugh.

"You did disappear, Soda. You did…" I choked as my eyes began the tell-tale stinging of an older brother about to break down and start bawling.

I felt Soda nod, and his arm wrapped around my waist before he growled in frustration.

"I can't even fuckin' hold you the way I want to!" He burst into tears, and my heart broke.

"Shhh…I'm here, little buddy. I can feel you." I whispered in his ear before kissing it. "I feel you."

Soda burrowed into me deeper, and we held on tightly to each other.

I relished in the moment. I'd been feeling so far away from Soda, and I hated the feeling. Soda was never just my younger brother; he'd always been my best friend and later when our parents were gone and it was just me and him doing our best to keep Ponyboy from sinking, that bond had grown even stronger.

I held onto him desperately, but eventually we had to let go of one another. Soda pulled away first, and I'd felt a pang of disappointment until I felt his hand on my cheek, and I could see the love on his face as he looked at me and smiled. His eyes spilled over some more as his hand moved, and his fingers combed through my hair; playing with the long strands at the back of my neck. I couldn't help but smile back as he moved his hand over and around to my jaw, and he shook his head while he rubbed at my beard.

"Does Beth really let you go out lookin' like a bum?"

The laughter bubbled out of me and Soda's face lit up like the sun when he laughed right along with me.

_Sunshine._

"She…" I could feel my face heat up as I looked at Soda awkwardly.

"She what?" Soda urged. "C'mon, Darry. Quit bein' such a stiff. What'd she do?" Soda let go of my jaw to give me a playful shove.

"She said she thought it looked sexy?" I sounded sheepish as I shrugged.

"Yeah for a fuckin' greaser hippie!" Soda snickered, and I nodded along.

"Hillbilly hippie—that's what Pony calls me."

Soda's nose scrunched up and wrinkled as he continued to snicker at my expense, and I didn't care. It was a lot like hearing Pony laugh or giggle those first days after I thought he'd never smile again, let alone find something to laugh about. I felt like juggling, or doing some odd circus act to keep my brother's smile on his face, but as Beth and Greg came out of the room, the moment evaporated.

"Ready?" Beth snaked her arm around mine, and I nodded without breaking my gaze from Sodapop.

"Yeah, lets go before we get him in shit for leavin' his room. Y'know how to get ahold of me?"

"Number to the motel's at the desk." Soda gave a nod.

"Alright then," I nodded back. "Y'all stay outta trouble." I tried to grin, but the muscles in my face were all clenched as I struggled to keep my composure, and I was sure it looked as though I were grimacing.

"Aye aye, Superman." Soda saluted me with a playful wink, and I winked back at him before the three of us walked away.

Beth squeezed my arm in encouragement, and I felt Greg's hand rub my shoulder when I heard Soda holler after me.

"Hey, Darry?"

I turned around to look at my brother, and it felt like an apparition. Had I imagined these last weeks? Was this even real—him coming back from the dead? Part of me was screaming to turn back and stay, but then I remembered my place. This wasn't about me. This was about Soda and what he needed to get better.

"Yeah?" My voice cracked as I stared awe-struck by how beautiful my brother was.

Even sleep deprived and weary with only one arm left, he still could've been in the movies with that face of his. Soda Patrick Curtis was a looker.

"Y'know I love you, right? 'Cause I do."

And maybe that's all I needed to hear from him, because my face relaxed and I felt my mouth pull up into a genuine smile.

"I know." I nodded.

"Thank you, Darry."

"For what?" I looked at him confused.

"You always know." Soda shrugged his one shoulder. "You always know what to do. You always know what I need even when I can't seem to figure it out myself. You just always know."

"There he is," Greg whispered beside me, and it dawned on me that I was still taking care of Soda.

Me walking away and giving him room was still taking care of him. He still looked to me—his big brother for all the answers, and though I thought I was out of answers for all of us, I'd given him the one he was too afraid to ask for.

My smile grew as I felt for Beth's arm with my other hand, and gave her a squeeze.

"Be good, 'n mind your brother for me, yeah?"

Soda bit his bottom lip again and his smile was so big, he looked like he was glowing.

"You got it!"

* * *

"You nervous?" Beth squeezed my arm as I pulled the car into the empty parking spot, and turned off the ignition.

"I don't think there's anything to worry about." Greg smiled as he looked at me from the back seat. "He seemed at peace yesterday before we left. More like himself."

"I guess Pony will let us know." Beth shrugged.

"Don't count on it," I shook my head with a wry grin. "It's never worked in the past."

"What's never worked?" Beth frowned.

"Tryin' to spy on one through the other. It don't work."

I thought back throughout our childhood, all the way up to when I found out about Jack, and I knew that if Sodapop asked Pony to keep anything a secret, he'd take that secret to the grave.

"Not even for Soda's well-being?" Beth looked like she didn't believe me.

"Nope," I replied, popping the 'p' for effect. "They're the lock and key to each other. I know it's frustrating sometimes…hell, who 'm I kiddin'? It's frustrating all the time, but it works. They work it out together. I can't imagine it if they didn't have each other; after what Ponyboy went through, and I know I don't even know the half of it. Soda does though."

"He'd tell Soda and not you?" Greg looked at me curiously.

"They tell each other everything."

"Why wouldn't he tell you though? You two are so close, I don't understand." Greg shook his head.

"I was there after 'n I saw him. I dunno if it's embarrassment? Shame?" I shrugged and looked out the window. "Afraid he let me down, even though that's impossible. He has no idea just how special he is." I spoke wistfully, forgetting I had an audience.

"I think you're selling yourself short, babe." Beth reached for my hand and squeezed it in both of hers.

"No," I shook my head and grinned. "I'm his big brother—Superman. I'm the one that thumps skulls and kicks ass when someone tries to mess with them, but together…" I didn't know how to put into words what I'd witnessed all my life.

"They're a kindred spirit—soulmates I guess. I dunno how to explain it, but you'll see. Let's get in there."

And there they were as we filed slowly into the room. Soda was gazing out the window while sitting in bed—the head of it rolled all the way up. Ponyboy was asleep with his head on his brother's lap and his arms wrapped around his hips.

"Hey," I spoke quietly as I approached the bed.

Soda slowly tore his eyes away from whatever it was that he was watching, and looked at me soberly.

"I wanna go home, Darry." His voice cracked as his fingers sunk into Ponyboy's hair.

"Of course! Once Dr. Burton gives the okay we'll…"

"I don't give a shit about Dr. Burton. I wanna go home."

It wasn't the Soda that had glowed and gave me hope for the future. That was a different Soda, and that was yesterday. This Soda was red-eyed and tense. This Soda was on the edge, and I was afraid of pushing him.

"What happened, little buddy? You two okay?" I asked concerned.

On closer inspection of my youngest brother, it looked like Sodapop wasn't the only one of them struggling. His left arm was tensed, and his breathing sounded strained.

"He had a seizure." Soda confirmed. "It just…I wanna go home."

"Did you wanna call Sandy? Let her know that…"

"Not Jacksonville, Darry. I wanna go _home. _I wanna go back to Tulsa."


End file.
